First All-Village Orgy Advice

‘If in doubt, always grease the wallaby first,’ wise words, I’m sure you will all agree. It was always the advice I received from Grand Old Uncle Stagnant when I, as a callow young man, first began attending the all-village orgies in the Little Frigging village hall. It seems a long time ago now, mainly because it was - indeed – a long time ago. So now when I look upon the young men and ladies of the village as they arrive at their first orgies, never quite sure of where to put their coats, or what to do with their small furry animals, then I can feel a smile of indulgence. For we were all – hard as it may seem – young once (including Old Feebletrousers and Grand Uncle Stagnant), and until they can find a cure for it so everyone else will have to go through those awkward and often-troubled teenage years.

The first all-village orgy is always a difficult time for the teenager. There is the social awkwardness of seeing people, usually met about the village, engaged in acts that would make a porn star reach for the small print of their contracts and their reading glasses.

There are people the youngster has known, looked up to, or pitied, for years, stretched out all around the village hall wearing the kind of fetish gear usually found only at the very back of a wardrobe belonging to a member of the clergy, or a very senior politician.

Not only that, normal small talk can seem rather inconsequential when trying to – for example – discuss the weather with someone engaged in an intimate act involving a watermelon, a vicar and several freshly-grouted wallabies.

All-in-all, then, a rather awkward time indeed for the first-timer in any orgy situation, and one us more seasoned* practitioners ought to attempt to alleviate. Perhaps we could do this by seeking out the newcomers and taking them in hand, or under our wing, (dependent on what fetish gear is being worn at the time) whenever possible, until they have overcome their tribulations.

* in my case, a marinade of lemon juice, white wine, black pepper and just the barest trace of extra-virgin weasel essence.