French Inter-Village Orgy Tour

The very weasels of our anticipation are all atremble with the prospect of next weekend’s encounter between the currently on-form Little Frigging Inter-village Orgy squad and the leading French side Languedoc Zut Alors, as they continue their English tour. In their last match a thrilling, 17 points, 3 penalty fondles and an underwhelmed mallard duck each, draw against Titten-Growper last week, we saw some of the finest examples of the much more languid French approach to competitive orgiastics. Where, for example, applying the melon to an assistant librarian can take up to half of a match quarter with their use of the slow build-up towards the use of the long fondle.

Of course, this does not mean that they in any way outclass the traditional English approach of lobbing the devices up to the forwards at every opportunity. There is a lot to be said for the more direct Anglo-Saxon method of making sure the chicken gets a regular surprise as well as making sure the midfield quarter-halfbacks are always well-lubricated.

The French, however, have traditionally made much use of the surprise baguette and onion string in their encounters with the postmistress near the halfway line, which could - in some competitive orgies - leave the flanks of the centre rear fondlers exposed to a sudden inquiry from the wingers.

Traditionally, the French have always made much more use of the bicyclist in their Inter-Village orgy squad. This is often in a role that seems to combine both the fetish unicycle and pogostick roles usually performed by both wing backtofronts in a traditional English village team, with each staying much on their own side of the orgy field, leaving room in the centre of the pitch for a much more accurate placement of the marrow.

There is also the problem of the traditional French fetish beret, which often leaves a traditionally-garbed English village orgy team with nowhere suitable to apply the cucumber sandwiches until – at least – the first penalty grope is awarded for using the fetish beret in an offside position. However, we have developed a few surprise tactics of our own to counter the French berets, especially early on before the centre gropers become over-lubricated by the French team’s over-reliance on salad oils.

So, we will have to just wait and see how the match plays out.