The Greatest Prime Minister Great Britain Never Had

Fluffybum Haberdashery was - without the slightest doubt - the greatest Prime Minister Great Britain never had. Although he only ever reached the heights of Under-secretary of State for Tadpole Audits (with special responsibility for tea and biscuit provision at Cabinet meetings), he was surely destined for greatness and much higher office.

There was no doubt in the minds of his contemporaries in the Commons that Haberdashery had the talent for ruthlessly abandoning political allies, vicious backstabbing of fellow party members and a marvellous ability to climb over the political corpses of those less fortunate than himself in order to facilitate his ascent to ever higher office.

Not only that, Haberdashery also had the full head of hair, wide-toothed inane grin and complete lack of Welsh accent or ancestry to succeed with voters, irrespective of the trivia of mere political opinion, stance or creed. In fact, Haberdashery's ability to switch party from first Labour to Conservative, then back to Labour to Liberal Democrat to Conservative to BNP to Green to UKIP to Socialist Worker and finally back to Labour again just for his own short-term electoral advantage showed a welcome streak of pragmatism often lacking in other more ideologically-blinkered politicians.

For politicians these days often seem to fail to realise that political affiliation is no longer - if it ever really was - a matter of class loyalty or ideological commitment, but merely a personal fashion statement and therefore changeable by whim or with the seasons and styles.

Fluffybum Haberdashery was alas never to fulfil his early promise. An undercover ITN news team captured Haberdashery on film, paying an under-age Latvian illegal immigrant to perform perverted sexual acts with him, his second-cousin, Furrythighs Haberdashery, and a gerbil called Sammy in the penthouse suite of a leading London hotel. Haberdashery continued to deny the allegations, despite seeing the filmed evidence and sued for libel.

He continued to deny the allegations in court, claiming disgruntled political opponents using a look-alike had set him up, and that he was on holiday in Wigan at the time.

Haberdashery was sentenced to seven years for contempt of court, and - thus - his political career was over.

However, although justice has been served, maybe mere justice isn't everything. Just ponder for a moment the overwhelming advantage such outright bare-faced mendacity, that makes even the egregious Tony ‘Del-Boy’ Blair seem like the tenth-rate con-man he actually is, and what great advantage it would give to this country, say, for example, in international diplomatic negotiations. Then you must ask yourself if mere illegal acts and imprisonment should be a bar to those with such great potential achieving all they are capable of achieving in the service of this country.