Tales of the Unexpurgated

By hadley

A collection of tales, historical stories and current affairs events.

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  • 2654 reads

Pottering About

By hadley on Fri, 28 Jan 2011

Hopalong Gravelpath is – quite rightly – well known throughout these islands as one of the leading exponents of Premier Division Pottering About, and is all set to be the captain of the UK’s Oly
Humour
Story
Certificate U

2012 Olympic Sports

By hadley on Mon, 27 Jun 2011

As the 2012 London Olympic games draw ever closer, now is perhaps a good time to take a look at which athletes stand a good chance of winning gold for Britain.
Humour
Story
Certificate U

A Day in the Life

By hadley on Tue, 28 Sep 2004

Just another day
Humour
Story
Certificate U

A Glamorous Career

By hadley on Mon, 15 Mar 2010

Astrolabe Mamaripreponderance first shot to fame as a theoretical physicist and topless model in the late 1970s.
Humour
Story
Certificate 12

A Great Victorian Engineer And Inventor

By hadley on Fri, 29 Oct 2010

Chainlink Foottreddle was one of the great Victorian engineers and inventors who first shot to fame as the inventor of the Hand-Cranked Wanking Engine. It was market as:
Humour
Story
Certificate 15

A Long Time Ago In A Chip Shop Far Away…

By hadley on Mon, 15 Jun 2009

A long time ago, in a chip shop far away, a tall being, dressed from head to foot in rather cheap-looking plasticky body-armour and a long black cape, was ordering cod, chips and mushy peas.
Humour
Story
Certificate 12
Cherry

A Sexual Peccadillo

By hadley on Mon, 09 Nov 2009

Well, as most people know the great crested peccadillo was a large flightless bird (only slightly smaller than the average Welsh canteen manageress) which lived on the island of Feebletrouzers in the
Humour
Story
Certificate PG

A Workplace Romance

By hadley on Mon, 06 Dec 2010

If we could just dance together like clerical assistants in the moonlight, before cuddling close under the star-filled sky to swap underwear requisition forms together as if we were teenagers once mor
Humour
Story
Certificate 12

After The Summer Of Love

By hadley on Fri, 03 Dec 2010

Of course, with the inevitability of a turbo-charged stoat winning the Norwegian Small Furry Animal Grand Prix the Summer Of Love soon gave way to the Autumn of Custard.
Humour
Story
Certificate 12

All-Nude Chicken-Intriguing

By hadley on Mon, 18 May 2009

Nasturtium Cheeseincident (1946 - 2009) began as a Chicken-Intriguer of the old school.
Humour
Story
Certificate PG

Alternative Energy Sources

By hadley on Mon, 07 Mar 2011

As you well know, the theoretical critical mass to start a chain reaction in a fully-rice-and-treacle-primed weasel horde is 27,
Humour
Story
Certificate PG

An Actor’s Life

By hadley on Mon, 26 Sep 2011

Spendapenny Pissedup is probably the 20th century’s most well-known heavy-drinking actor, famous for his 274 day drinking spree in Las Vegas back in 1978 when he drank three casinos dry, left Oliver
Humour
Story
Certificate 15

An Eminent Victorian Natural Philosopher

By hadley on Mon, 25 Jul 2011

Eigenvector Plimsoll-Line was without doubt one of those influential Victorian natural philosophers who help create what we now know as science.
Humour
Story
Certificate 12

An Episode From The History Of British Pop Music

By hadley on Mon, 11 Oct 2010

Elderberry Mudguard first hit the UK singles chart with her song: 'Reconcile My Cashbook Baby', now regarded as the first song in British pop music’s Accountancy boom.
Humour
Story
Certificate 12

Animal Rights Action

By hadley on Mon, 21 Dec 2009

Earlier today a spokeswoman for PFFAR (People For Fluffiness Against Rationality), the 'animal rights' activists announced that overnight they had broken into Tewkesbury University and liberated over
Humour
Story
Certificate PG

Annual Rub Your Genitals In a Bowl Of Raspberry Jelly Day

By hadley on Wed, 30 Jun 2010

This is – as you probably well know by now – 'Annual Rub Your Genitals In A Bowl Of Raspberry Jelly Day'.
Humour
Story
Certificate 12
Cherry

Are You Ready To Rock ‘N’ Roll?

By hadley on Mon, 22 Feb 2010

All Right kids! Are you ready to rock ‘n’ roll? In which case please: • fill out the appropriate release forms • make sure you are wearing a high visibility boogie-woogie jacket
Humour
Story
Certificate U

Astronomy News

By hadley on Wed, 17 Nov 2010

It was announced earlier today that astronomers at the Tipton Astronomical Institute have finally discovered what the famous 'dark matter' that makes up a large amount of the universe actually consist
Humour
Story
Certificate U

Battle-ready Surveys

By hadley on Mon, 07 Nov 2011

‘Fix your sheets to your clipboards, boys, and don’t start asking the questions until you can see the whites of their eyes!’ Thus were the famous words of General Gideon ‘Soggy Biscuit’ Rupe
Humour
Story
Certificate PG

Brussels Sprouts And Their Role In History

By hadley on Mon, 13 Sep 2010

Now, it is common knowledge these days that Hitler's final great offensive in the last years of WWII was the Ardennes Offensive of 1944/45, also known as the battle of the Bulge.
Humour
Story
Certificate U
Cherry

Celebrity Accountancy On Ice

By hadley on Mon, 21 Feb 2011

Munchkin Coinslot came to our TV screens from the hectic glamorous world of internal auditing in order to bring her much needed professional experience to the judging panel of ITV’s hit new Saturday
Humour
Story
Certificate 12

Celebrity Cheese Contemplation

By hadley on Fri, 26 Nov 2010

It seems, these days that the wonderful world of 'Celebrity Cheese Contemplation' is once again making headlines.
Humour
Story
Certificate 12

Celebrity Extreme Gardening

By hadley on Mon, 01 Nov 2010

Perusal Travelbrochure is now credited with bringing about the revival of what had seemingly become a moribund TV genre with her introduction to the early evening schedules of 'Celebrity Extreme Garde
Humour
Story
Certificate 12

Celebrity VAT Inspector

By hadley on Wed, 28 Jul 2010

Last night Trickshot Weaselcheese, the daytime soap star, became the first ever winner of Celebrity VAT Inspector, C4’s new reality show.
Humour
Story
Certificate 12

Creation Myths Of The Modern Tribes – Part One

By hadley on Mon, 04 Oct 2010

Of course, the familiar story of the creation given in the Bible is not the only creation myth in existence. Most, if not all, human societies, civilisations and tribes have their own creation myths.
Humour
Story
Certificate 12

Days of Exploration

By hadley on Wed, 27 Apr 2011

Instance Banjoweasel became an official government experimental parachute testing operative at the age of 27, after failing in her attempt to be the first person to circumnavigate the globe on a steam
Humour
Story
Certificate 12

Death By Chat Show

By hadley on Fri, 12 Nov 2010

Yesterday, Trite ‘Halfpenny’ Hatchback, the former Keeper of the Queen’s Weasels was found guilty of ‘keeping an unlicensed and un-lubricated weasel with intent to cause severe embarrassment a
Humour
Story
Certificate PG
Story of the week

Ode to a Stickleback and Romanticism

By hadley on Wed, 12 Jun 2013

Trackback Pseudopod is – probably – the least well-known of all the Romantic poets, even though to his contemporaries, his 'Ode to a Stickleback' was one of the best known poems of the time, even
Humour
Story
Certificate PG
Cherry

Spadgecock’s Patented Wildfowl Distractor

By hadley on Wed, 19 Jun 2013

It was never that easy for a gentleman to find a suitable device for intriguing any waterfowl before the invention of Spadgecock’s Patented Wildfowl Distractor, back in the Mid-Victorian period.
Humour
Story
Certificate 12

UK TV’s Leading Survival Expert

By hadley on Wed, 05 Jun 2013

Fluffybunny Roadkill is undoubtedly UK TV’s leading survival expert.
Humour
Story
Certificate 12

Shakespeare and Advertising

By hadley on Wed, 08 May 2013

‘How weary, stale, flat, and unprofitable Seem to me all the Cornish pasties of this world! Fie on’t! O fie! ’tis an unweeded garden,’
Humour
Other
Certificate 12

2030: A Lingerie Odyssey

By hadley on Wed, 07 Aug 2013

‘Oh, my god… it’s full of bras!’ Everyone recognises that quote from Stanley Housebrick’s film 20:30: A Lingerie Odyssey , which tells of the journey...
Humour
Story
Certificate PG
Cherry

Trilobite Hatstand – Revolutionary Poet, Playwright And Arc-Welder

By hadley on Thu, 14 May 2009

Trilobite Hatstand - the almost legendary poet, playwright and arc-welder - first met Aorta Mammary-Swelling at the gates of the world-famous Tipton shipyards.
Humour
Story
Certificate PG
Cherry

Extreme Sports

By hadley on Mon, 25 May 2009

Sopwith Coathanger became interested in extreme dangerous sports at quite a young age.
Humour
Certificate PG

Romeo & Juliet – The Real First Folio Edition

By hadley on Mon, 01 Jun 2009

We are all – of course – familiar with this first folio edition of Romeo and Juliet and how it differs significantly from the more usually performed edition.
Humour
Story
Certificate PG

Hernia von Volenipples - A Chronology

By hadley on Mon, 08 Jun 2009

The Life and time of the legendary opera singer Hernia von Volenipples
Humour
Certificate PG

Lamb casserole at Forty Fathoms

By hadley on Mon, 22 Jun 2009

Of course, everyone must now know how Floodplain took the then moribund culinary world by storm with his 'Ratatouille in a Puddle'....
Humour
Story
Certificate U

How The SAS Began

By hadley on Wed, 01 Jul 2009

Many people have, no doubt, heard of the SAS.
Humour
Certificate U

Unbridled Politically-Motivated Poultry Taunting

By hadley on Mon, 06 Jul 2009

Now it seems that the days of Unbridled Politically-Motivated Poultry Taunting are - at long last - coming to an end.
Humour
Story
Certificate PG

Louise, Naked in the Woods

By hadley on Mon, 20 Jul 2009

Louise eased her hands back down inside my pants and smiled at me. "Are you sure it's all right to do this here?" she said. "Oh, yes," I answered as her hands began to move, slowly.
Humour
Story
Certificate 18
Cherry

God Condemns 'So-Called Intelligent Design'

By hadley on Mon, 16 Nov 2009

At a press conference called earlier today, a being claiming to be God severely criticised and denounced the cod-scientific movement known as Intelligent Design (ID), claiming 'it has absolutely nothi
Humour
Certificate U
Cherry

Experimental Mishaps

By hadley on Mon, 23 Nov 2009

These days, it takes only one small and insignificant explosion to run your weasel experiments.
Humour
Certificate PG

Gravity

By hadley on Mon, 30 Nov 2009

Here it is, another day. Well, I must admit, we were all quite surprised. None of us expected it. For quite a while now all the old certainties have been collapsing - as you well know.
Humour
Certificate U
Cherry

Stranger In Town

By hadley on Mon, 07 Dec 2009

He was the son of an itinerant weasel defenistrator and he rode into town at high noon one spring day on a tandem built for one.
Humour
Story
Certificate U

Worldwide Admire Your Own Genitals Day

By hadley on Mon, 14 Dec 2009

Now, it just so happens that today is the day for doing stuff that there is no other special day for. Only yesterday, for example, was National Staring At Cheese Day.
Humour
Story
Certificate 12
Cherry

Full-Frontal Accountancy

By hadley on Tue, 29 Dec 2009

"Are those really your spatulas, uncle?" He nodded, slowly.
Humour
Certificate 15

The Great Age Of Exploration

By hadley on Mon, 04 Jan 2010

Esperanto Hepatitis is probably one of the most famous gentleman explorers of the Victorian era. It was an era of great explorers, of course, but few could match the exploits of Hepatitis.
Humour
Story
Certificate 12
Cherry

The Tragic Death of the World's Greatest Film Actress

By hadley on Mon, 11 Jan 2010

Despite the tragic accident than claimed her life at the relatively young age of 35, Spoon Llamagasket will - most likely - be regarded as the greatest film actress of our age.
Humour
Story
Certificate 12

Shopping Trolleys

By hadley on Mon, 18 Jan 2010

Those days are long gone now when the mighty herds of shopping trolleys would sweep majestically across the wipe open plains of the unspoilt car parks of this land.
Humour
Story
Certificate U

The First Computer

By hadley on Mon, 25 Jan 2010

Entwhistle Mantelpiece was yet another eminent Victorian without whom a good many of the entries in this… this… whatever it is would not exist.
Humour
Story
Certificate 12

Siege Warfare

By hadley on Mon, 01 Feb 2010

As the Anglo-Saxon Chronicle has it:
Humour
Story
Certificate PG

The Periodic Table

By hadley on Mon, 08 Feb 2010

As most people are aware, the science we now know as chemistry grew out of what was once alchemy, a semi-mystical method of arsing about with various substances.
Humour
Story
Certificate U
Cherry

Small Woodland Creatures On Ice

By hadley on Mon, 15 Feb 2010

Hard to credit it now, I know, but that first pilot of what became 'Small Woodland Creatures On Ice' did point the way to the future of television.
Humour
Story
Certificate PG
Cherry

The Mathematics Of Cupboard Space

By hadley on Mon, 01 Mar 2010

The accurate placement of the raspberry jam is vital if you wish to fully understand the complexities of modern mathematical theory.
Humour
Story
Certificate U

When Cheese Attacks

By hadley on Mon, 08 Mar 2010

But there is no reason whatsoever why one should not start a sentence with the word 'but'.
Humour
Story
Certificate U

The Life-Cycle of The Shopping Trolley

By hadley on Mon, 22 Mar 2010

As we all know, the shopping trolley has a symbiotic relationship with the goods on sale in a shop.
Humour
Story
Certificate PG

The Justice League Of Accountancy

By hadley on Mon, 29 Mar 2010

Hollywood Historical Pictures is extremely proud to present the Latest band of superheroes in motion picture history: The Justice League Of Accountancy!
Humour
Story
Certificate U

Holy Tax-Inspector Immersion Day

By hadley on Tue, 06 Apr 2010

Now, as the spring at last begins to evade the winter’s frosty claws, we must get ready for Holy Tax-Inspector Immersion Day.
Humour
Certificate 12

The World Cheese Arrangement Finals

By hadley on Mon, 26 Apr 2010

There were tense moments last night in the dying minutes of the World Cheese Arrangement Finals in the new Wembley Stadium, when the reigning champions the Norwich Explicators were left in possession
Humour
Story
Certificate U

The Doorhinge Badgerdangler Phenomenon

By hadley on Tue, 04 May 2010

These days Doorhinge Badgerdangler is probably Britain's best-known celebrity Trilobite Fossil-Arrangement artist, certainly since the wild and heady days of Splurt Hackingcough, the leading Trilobite
Humour
Story
Certificate U

The World’s Biggest Grossing Film Star

By hadley on Thu, 13 May 2010

Pumpkin Dropincentre became the world’s biggest grossing film star, in the main, because of her first-ever staring role in the Hollywood blockbuster 'March of the Killer Death Sprouts', where she pl
Humour
Story
Certificate PG

Full-Frontal Teenage Lesbian Sex Orgy

By hadley on Mon, 24 May 2010

'Full-Frontal Teenage Lesbian Sex Orgy' is the latest film by the renowned documentary filmmaker Spasmodic Weaselinversion.
Humour
Certificate 15
Cherry

People Staring At Walls

By hadley on Fri, 18 Jun 2010

Slopout Puddleduck first became a so-called celebrity through the C4 ‘Reality’ programme, 'People Staring At Walls', where ordinary members of the public are filmed 24 hours a day sharing a house
Miscellaneous
Story
Certificate 12

The World's Greatest Rockstar

By hadley on Wed, 07 Jul 2010

Anthrax Goatstrangler is - arguably - the most infamous and influential rock musician still alive on the planet today.
Humour
Story
Certificate 15

Philosophy And Waterfowl

By hadley on Mon, 02 Aug 2010

Salmonella Transponder is often regarded as the first female philosopher to engage openly in Socratic dialogue with waterfowl.
Humour
Story
Certificate 12

The Diversity Outreach Co-Ordinator With No Name

By hadley on Fri, 13 Aug 2010

It was a one horse town, out in the wilds of the country, the badlands far beyond the M25.
Humour
Story
Certificate 12

The Shopping Tiger and its Advantages

By hadley on Mon, 16 Aug 2010

A shopping tiger is a very useful addition to your shopping expeditions and can often add a completely new dimension to the retail experience.
Humour
Story
Certificate U

Doormat's Penultimate Theorem

By hadley on Fri, 20 Aug 2010

Still the most outstanding problem currently left unresolved in mathematics must be Doormat's Penultimate Theorem.
Humour
Certificate 12

I’m A Publicity Seeking Tosser, Bury Me Alive….

By hadley on Mon, 23 Aug 2010

Although original achieving fame as a topless model and professor of Advanced mathematical Modelling at Nuneaton University, Perambulator Amplitude is these days perhaps better know as the co-host (al
Humour
Certificate 12

The Lesser Great Spotted Night Hens

By hadley on Mon, 06 Sep 2010

At the turn of the 20th Century there were less than seventeen Lesser Great Spotted Night Hens left in the whole of the UK.
Humour
Story
Certificate 15

Summoning The Plagues

By hadley on Fri, 17 Sep 2010

We arranged the artichokes in the ancient mystical design.
Humour
Story
Certificate 15
Cherry

Exclusive! Film Star Interview

By hadley on Fri, 24 Sep 2010

Spotweld Badgerinversion first came to the public’s attention when he starred as the third corpse from the left in the opening scene from the Hollywood Historical Pictures adaptation of Jane Austen
Humour
Certificate U

The Legends Of The Shopping Mall

By hadley on Fri, 22 Oct 2010

Our very chins are all aquiver with excitement this fair morning as we prepare to face the ordeal by supermarket with only the barest minimum on our holy shopping list to protect us from the beguiling
Humour
Story
Certificate U

Major Scientific Breakthrough

By hadley on Mon, 25 Oct 2010

Implication Venndiagram will probably go down in history (even if it is only as a footnote) as the person who truly discovered the full implications of the branch of modern physics known as Weasel The
Humour
Story
Certificate U

I Can't Believe It's Not Cat Vomit

By hadley on Fri, 05 Nov 2010

'I Can't Believe It's Not Cat Vomit' first appeared on our supermarket shelves only three years ago, but already an almost staple part of the 'cool' young British person's diet.
Humour
Certificate PG

Protagonist Beetlelicker

By hadley on Mon, 08 Nov 2010

Protagonist Beetlelicker was 'one of them'. But not a 'one of them' them. Although it was not unknown for 'one of them' to be 'one of them'.
Humour
Story
Certificate 12
Cherry

The Quadratic Equations Of Summer

By hadley on Fri, 19 Nov 2010

Surreptitious And The Obfuscators were, of course, the band of the moment that summer.
Humour
Story
Certificate 12

The Contrivances - A History (Part One)

By hadley on Mon, 22 Nov 2010

I thought that today we would look at the almost interesting history of The Contrivances that is unless you can think of something more interesting. Part One - The Ancients
Humour
Story
Certificate 12
Cherry

The Vibrant World of Car Park Design

By hadley on Mon, 29 Nov 2010

These days Furrymouse Protondesign is a name familiar to almost everyone with even a passing interest in the vibrantly thrilling world of modern car park design.
Humour
Story
Certificate U
Cherry

It's An Outrage!

By hadley on Mon, 20 Dec 2010

Do you - only too often - see news stories where people stridently claim 'It's an outrage!' about something you've never even noticed, let alone thought about before?
Humour
Certificate U

Sports 'Personality' of the Year

By hadley on Fri, 31 Dec 2010

Eaglesprout Draingurgle, winner of the BBC Sports ‘Personality’ of the Year 2010, first decided to take up the sport of Standing-Around-In-A-Field-For-No-Discernable-Reason at the relatively young
Humour
Story
Certificate 15
Cherry

The UK's Leading Conceptual Artist

By hadley on Mon, 10 Jan 2011

Lepidoptera Disestablishment has - over the last few decades - become one of this country's leading conceptual artists.
Humour
Story
Certificate 15

Inspector of the Queen's Tandems

By hadley on Fri, 14 Jan 2011

These days the post of Head Inspector of the Queen’s Tandems is mainly a symbolic role, that is since Her Majesty has forgone the use of the Crown Ceremonial Tandem since that infamous incident invo
Humour
Certificate 12

The Fastest Jelly Baby Diversity Co-Ordinator In The West (Midlands)

By hadley on Mon, 17 Jan 2011

Plectrum Bivalve once seemed destined for no great things until one day when she found herself working part-time as a jelly baby diversity co-ordinator in the darkest depths of the Tipton urban jungle
Humour
Story
Certificate 12
Cherry

The Surplus Theory In Economics

By hadley on Fri, 21 Jan 2011

One of the most contentious areas in the history of economics has been the theory of surplus toast.
Humour
Story
Certificate 12

Lingerie: Its Role In History

By hadley on Mon, 24 Jan 2011

Dampcourse Electronvolt first came to prominence as the leading TV academic specialising in the history of ladies underwear, specifically its important role in some of the most significant periods and
Humour
Story
Certificate 12

The Greatest Conspiracy

By hadley on Mon, 07 Feb 2011

For many people, quite possibly the most famous conspiracy in the world… ever, is the now infamous Stoat-Beguiling Incident that took place during the night of March 18th 1976 at Bridgnorth in the W
Humour
Story
Certificate 12

The English Cheese War

By hadley on Fri, 11 Feb 2011

“It seemed the very cheeseboards of our souls were all atremble!” So said Plenitude Bosom-Frontage, back in the early days of what was to become the English Cheese War.
Humour
Story
Certificate 12

Digitalis Happenstance – An Obituary

By hadley on Mon, 28 Feb 2011

Digitalis Happenstance was, until the tragic accident that claimed his life almost twenty-seven and a half minutes ago, this country’s leading cattle grid impersonator.
Humour
Certificate 12

Polar Exploration

By hadley on Fri, 11 Mar 2011

"We may – just – have enough cheese to avert the disaster of un-becheesed crackerness, but things do not look good.
Humour
Story
Certificate PG

Modern Sporting Stars

By hadley on Mon, 14 Mar 2011

Underwire Treelicker has often been credited with bringing the sport of professional tea-drinking to a wider audience through her use of the sometimes-tricky over-arm teapot technique while pouring fr
Humour
Story
Certificate 12

The Most Pressing Problem In Contemporary Physics

By hadley on Fri, 18 Mar 2011

One of the most pressing outstanding problems in modern-day physics, both at a theoretical and at a practical level, is what has become known as the Cheese Uncertainty Principle.
Humour
Story
Certificate PG

Mandatory End-of-Year Marmoset Nipple Inspection Time.

By hadley on Fri, 25 Mar 2011

Now it just so happens that today is not quite the day for Mandatory End-of-Year Marmoset Nipple Inspection.
Humour
Story
Certificate 12

The Greatest Inventor Of This Age

By hadley on Fri, 01 Apr 2011

Palmtree Doodlebug is probably best known these days for the invention of the all-weather knee hat; a device that has proved invaluable for those places where shorts are worn on a regular basis, to pr
Humour
Story
Certificate PG

The Greatest Prime Minister Great Britain Never Had

By hadley on Mon, 04 Apr 2011

Fluffybum Haberdashery was - without the slightest doubt - the greatest Prime Minister Great Britain never had.
Humour
Story
Certificate PG

The SAS in WWII

By hadley on Mon, 11 Apr 2011

Balaclava Stropweasel is – surprisingly - nowadays not quite as well-known as his exploits in the SAS* during WWII merit.
Humour
Story
Certificate PG

One Of The Strangest Incidents Of The Last Decade

By hadley on Mon, 18 Apr 2011

Napalm Cheeseguttering has now become famous mainly through one of the strangest incidents of the last decade, at a time when mere fame became the lot of anyone un-self-aware enough to enter, with an
Humour
Story
Certificate 15

Tools of the Secret Services: A Brief History

By hadley on Fri, 13 May 2011

t is a little known fact that the teasmade was first used by British secret agents working undercover in hostile foreign countries.
Humour
Story
Certificate U

Final Exams

By hadley on Mon, 16 May 2011

Well, here we are again then. So, how are you on this splendid day? Have you brought along your Water Vole Perplexation Kit? No? Oh, dear.
Humour
Certificate PG

The Son of God

By hadley on Mon, 13 Jun 2011

Well.... You know what kids are like. All that idealistic nonsense he used to come out with; 'the meek will inherit the earth' and all that idealistic bollocks.
Humour
Story
Certificate 12

On The Choosing Of Headgear For Penguins

By hadley on Mon, 11 Jul 2011

As you probably know the WWF has proclaimed that today is to be the first ever Worldwide "Donate A Hat To A Penguin Day". With the ever-worsening (they say)threat from global cooli... er...
Humour
Story
Certificate 12

Nature Watch

By hadley on Mon, 15 Aug 2011

We sit, here - as still as possible - in a hide cunningly disguised as an ordinary car, parked here on the edge of a normal suburban supermarket car park.
Humour
Story
Certificate 12
Gold cherry

Tragic Death Of TV News Reporter

By hadley on Mon, 22 Aug 2011

The BBC announced this morning, the death of TV news reporter, Pontificator Speculation in a tragic news reporting-related accident.
Humour
Story
Certificate U

The Quest for the Fabled Lost Source of the Pork Scratching

By hadley on Mon, 05 Sep 2011

So here we are: standing in the very place Peregrination Shoppingtrolley first stood almost two centuries ago when he discovered the fabled lost source of the pork scratching.
Humour
Story
Certificate 15

Legends Of Rock – Part One

By hadley on Mon, 19 Sep 2011

Osteopath Chaingun* and the Psychodramatic Megastoats first hit the British singles chart back in the summer of 1975 with their first single: '(The Square Of The Sum Of The Other Two Sides Makes You)
Humour
Story
Certificate 12

Wielding a Dibber

By hadley on Mon, 10 Oct 2011

‘Well, shuffle my lupins and call me Tarquin, never in all my life have I seen a woman who could wield a dibber like the young Azalea Flowerbed!’ Such were the words of veteran TV gardening progra
Humour
Story
Certificate 12

Raiders of the Lost Car Park

By hadley on Mon, 14 Nov 2011

The engines are all on the blink again as the petrol run low once more.
Humour
Story
Certificate U

Shropshire Smith and the Temple of Vegetables

By hadley on Mon, 16 Jan 2012

Even though the Brussels sprouts in the vestibule should have been enough to warn us of the dangers that lay ahead, still we ventured on, deeper into the darkness, the unknown and the danger.
Humour
Story
Certificate 12

Full-Frontal Cookery

By hadley on Fri, 03 Feb 2012

Tinkle Velocipede – undoubtedly – gained her all-too vital celebrity status in the UK when she combined the two – up to then - entirely separate genres of TV cookery programme and full-frontal n
Humour
Certificate 15

The Summer of Vegetables

By hadley on Fri, 02 Mar 2012

‘C’mon baby, get on down and pickle my cabbage’ with those words from the legendary number one single by Stan Dibber and the Allotment Lean-Tos, Britain’s Summer Of Vegetables began.
Humour
Story
Certificate PG

Working Times Directives and the Undead

By hadley on Wed, 28 Mar 2012

Ah, but remember your precious tin of blessed golden syrup and/or Holy Water may not necessarily protect you against all the devils, demons, estate agents, lawyers and other unholy manifestations of e
Humour
Story
Certificate PG

The Aftermath

By hadley on Wed, 04 Apr 2012

Sometimes there is only the distant keening of the howling things that stay hidden in the dark-shadowed places.
Humour
Story
Certificate PG

The man with the Golden Cheese Baguette

By hadley on Wed, 06 Mar 2013

“Tremble, my little stock control assistant, tremble!
Humour
Story
Certificate 12
Cherry

Some of the Naughtiest Daubings in the Erotic Arts

By hadley on Mon, 07 Oct 2013

Despite being a deft exponent of full-length underarm weasel charming, Herbaceous Ptarmigan, is not as well-known to the general public as she ought...
Humour
Story
Certificate 12

The Golden Spoon Award

By hadley on Mon, 03 Mar 2014

Sagebush Toadselector was not just any run-of-the-mill dessert impersonator. If fact, her strawberry jam tart and custard won the prestigious Golden...
Surreal
Humour
Miscellaneous
Story
Certificate 12

The Greatest Explorer of Our Time

By hadley on Mon, 01 Jun 2015

Undoubtedly, the UK’s leading contemporary explorer is Lord Traipser Meandering. Meandering and his team of fellow adventurers have explored some of...
Surreal
Humour
Story
Certificate 12
Cherry

The Day of the Pets

By hadley on Mon, 06 Jul 2015

All over the place, people were being… well, people. Which, even if you’ve had only a modicum of experience of people, is enough for you to...
Science fiction
Fantasy
Humour
Story
Certificate 12

The Physics of Clothing Space

By hadley on Tue, 01 Sep 2015

Plebiscite Umlaut is probably the world’s leading theoretical physicist in the rather specialised field of Theoretical Clothing Space. As we all know...
Surreal
Humour
Story
Certificate PG
Cherry

Pride and Penalty Shoot-Outs

By hadley on Tue, 15 Sep 2015

Of course, Dandelion Waiftendrill first made her name on the lucrative women’s professional Mr Darcy Bothering circuit. A sport where some of the...
Surreal
Humour
Story
Certificate 12
1 likes
Cherry

A Victorian Gentleman and the Steam Age

By hadley on Tue, 06 Oct 2015

Surplice Dingleberry was the third and youngest son of the twelfth Lord Dingleberry, the renowned inventor of the steam-driven top hat dispenser. As was the tradition at the time, young Surplice was destined for a life in the church. However, he was – like his father – fascinated by the wonders of Victorian engineering and the possibilities inherent in steam power.
Surreal
Historical Fiction
Humour
Story
Certificate 15

The Sexiest Elbows I'd Ever Seen

By hadley on Mon, 02 Nov 2015

When we first met she was Emeritus Professor of Post-Colonial Marmalade at the University of Ffestiniog, and she had the sexiest elbows I had ever seen. We met at the Annual Ffestiniog Tapioca-Ignoring Convention, back in the late summer of ‘83. At the time neither of us had a Tapioca-Ignoring partner, so naturally – once we found our handicaps were compatible – we teamed up for that autumn’s preliminary Tapioca-Ignoring Cup rounds. Of course, with both of us being amateurs, we never expected to get to the finals.
Surreal
Humour
Story
Certificate 12
Gold cherry

The Sensual Kitchen

By hadley on Tue, 01 Dec 2015

Of course, Rupertina Dumplings was one of the first in the country to try it. She has since her early days as a TV chef always had a keen interest in the erotic possibilities inherent in the everyday world. For instance, Dumplings was the first to take the erotic possibilities of the egg-whisk seriously. This, long before any other celebrity TV chef used one. Even before celebrity TV chef, Dollop Servingsuggestion, used one to whip up a kitchen maid into a state of sensual awareness in the vicinity of a lemon meringue.
Humour
Miscellaneous
Story
Certificate 12
Cherry

Hollywood's Current Leading Star

By hadley on Tue, 08 Dec 2015

Slingback Chaingun is probably still Hollywood's most famous leading slab of acting muscle, despite rapidly approaching his 85th birthday, or as his publicist insists, nearing 45. Still with a full head of jet-black hair, the body of Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime crossed with a mountain gorilla. He is also – allegedly – well-endowed enough to make a stallion feel inadequate. Chaingun is rapidly approaching his 65th year in the movie industry.
Surreal
Humour
Miscellaneous
Story
Certificate PG
Cherry

Britain's New Poet laureate

By hadley on Mon, 04 Jan 2016

Stanza Synecdoche first came to prominence in the UK’s vital contemporary poetry scene with her Lines on a Shopping List . A three-page, 27 stanza...
Surreal
Humour
Story
Certificate PG

A Knight of the Realm

By hadley on Wed, 20 Jan 2016

Hopalite Trebuchet was probably one of the greatest Knights in English history. He was more famous in his day that Robin Hood, Richard the Lionheart, Doris the Bold and Sir Steve the Bastard put together.
Humour
Story
Certificate PG
Cherry

A Notorious Historical Dandy

By hadley on Mon, 01 Feb 2016

Splendiferous Haberdashery was uncountably the 18th Century’s finest dandy. Famed for having a different bespoke handkerchief for every hour of the...
Humour
Story
Certificate PG
Cherry

Britain's Sports Personality of the Year

By hadley on Mon, 15 Feb 2016

It was announced earlier today that the celebrity philosopher, Pensive Dropgoal, is to be the new Professor of Hot Beverage Studies at the University of Evesham. Of course, these days philosophy is a glamorous and highly paid profession. Devoted crowds of fans turn out in their hundreds of thousands, filling stadiums throughout the world, to watch their favourite philosophy teams take on each other in live debate.
Humour
Story
Certificate PG

A British Computing Pioneer

By hadley on Mon, 07 Mar 2016

Register ‘Reg’ Benchmark is probably the UK’s foremost computer engineer from the early post-war period of British computing history. It was a time when computers were emerging from the secrecy of their vital war work. Of course, back in those days, it was difficult to see – in time – how important and essential computers would become, with one expert stating he could see the UK needing at most three computers. However, that was before Benchmark arrived on the scene.
Humour
Story
Certificate PG
Cherry

Wildlife Sanctuary

By hadley on Tue, 05 Apr 2016

Even so, it was not quite what was expected. Even the gazelle was more than a little put out and the giraffe went off for a sulk. The herd of zebras grazing in the conservatory were, the wife said, not their usual selves either. There was definitely something amiss in the whole house. Even the annual wildebeest migration from the front bedroom down to the kitchen and out across the lawn to their summer grazing area slightly north-east of the patio was far more restrained than usual.
Surreal
Humour
Nature
Miscellaneous
Story
Certificate PG
Cherry

A Revolution In Competitive Cycling

By hadley on Tue, 03 May 2016

Velodrome Creamcheese is probably the UK’s leading long-distance cyclist. Many sports commentators and travel journalists put this down to her innovative use of the Cheap Day-Return Rail ticket in her races. Many sports experts also say that it is the use of such tactics, up to and including the short haul domestic flights she used last year, that enabled her to win the Trans-USA cycle race. All of which has allowed Creamcheese to stay at the top of competitive cycling while at the same time eschewing the use of illegal drugs.
Humour
Miscellaneous
Story
Certificate PG

Celebrity Nude Selfie Dancing Bake-off On Ice

By hadley on Wed, 01 Jun 2016

In the end, it became inevitable. First was increasing domination of the TV schedules by celebrity versions of popular talent shows masquerading as cooking programmes. All coupled with the desire to watch celebrities making arses of themselves on the dance floor and on ice. This combined with the growing interest in those same celebrities in a state of undress found in their allegedly private selfies, led to a spark igniting in some Programme Concept Engineer’s momentary lapse from self-aggrandisement.
Surreal
Humour
Other Fiction
Miscellaneous
Story
Certificate PG