The Perverted Races

However, when our knees begin to oscillate with the tremulous desire for more advanced kinds of naughtiness we know we have little choice but to make sure the wheelbarrow is oiled and the unicycle is in a good state of repair. Of course, it is hard these days to appreciate fully what a cultural desert this fair land had become before it was rescued from its intellectual torpor by the swift introduction to our otherwise moribund TV schedules of the now legendary 'Wacky Races'. Little Frigging’s Perverted Races are our tribute to this feast of televisual entertainment.

Mobile perversions can be – it goes without saying – rather tricky at the best of times, and not for the amateur to attempt without a suitably experienced mentor. Mobile perversions in a race situation are of a very different order altogether, and should – therefore only be attempted by a pervert of long standing, especially if there is the chance of the marmosets becoming restless in the chicane.

Last year’s race was won – for the second year in a row – by our very own Post Mistress Miss Labia Entanglements on her goat-powered turbo combine harvester with customised chiropodist restraints and an automatic weasel unguent dispenser for those tricky blind corners out near the river Teeb just past the back straight.

My own dear wife Maureen Trouser-Quandary came second (as Usual) naked on her unicycle with integral Throbbing Weasel 90000 attachment and retractable tupping harness for the traffic warden.

Third place was a tie between Strom Thighhammer in his specially-adapted village fire engine with integral au pair and bondage hammock, and Fanny Knickerless (the cake shop manageress) astride her pump action velocipede powered by hand-reared turbo-badgers dressed in Swedish maid costumes and pushed by a ‘friend’ of hers in full rubber stockbroker fetish gear and ball gag.

I hope this year’s event next weekend will be just as thrilling and I look forward to seeing you there.