Shared Misgivings

Well, once you have fully greased the underside of you stock-control assistant, then there is little to stop you attaching the cowbell to the suitably-restrained geography supply teacher. Of course, not all the custard will be needed at this point, providing you have the radishes as close to room temperature as the season allows.

Now, there are those amongst you gathered here this morning who will feel that – as a perversion – this lacks something of the subtlety that us deviants of the first water would associate with show-level perversions. Indeed, I share your misgivings (as long as Miss Givings is willing, of course). I must admit that I was very disappointed with the demonstration perversions at this year’s Pervert of the Year Show, myself.

However, I wouldn’t want you to think for a moment that this is in any way a manifestation of pique on my part. Nor would I wish you to believe I have taken umbrage at the fact that this year the Pervert of the Year Show – for reasons known only to the show’s organisers - is taking place at the Lower Crotchstaine Millennium Exhibition Tupping Sheds, and not as for the last 15 years running at the Little Frigging Village Hall. I would not be one to cast aspersions - not without a good tailwind, anyway – but I have heard rumours about certain favours being requested and certain photographs of a compromising nature being exchanged between the organisers of the Pervert of the Year Show and the Lower Crotchstaine village council.

If these allegations are in any way true then a seriously dark shadow will have been cast over the usually up-front, squeakily-clean (especially in respect of the leather fetish gear) and morally-upstanding world of perversion. We cannot, we must not, allow our noble calling to be tarnished in any way by allegations of this nature. There is nothing dirty, sordid or squalid about rural perversions (unless that is your thing, of course, after all we have all fantasised about traffic wardens wrestling in mud, haven’t we?) and anything that brings such a noble calling into disrepute should be stamped out forthwith, preferably with stiletto-heeled thigh-length leather boots. Any such dubious practices should be eradicated with all the powers available to the Royal and Noble Order of Perverts and Deviants who oversee and maintain the high standards of the calling. A sound horsewhipping would – indeed - be too good for them, especially if they were into that sort of thing. Prison too, would be something of a soft option, especially for those taking a delight in bondage and other forms of restraint.

So, it would seem that if these allegations are true and the guilty are to be punished, then the only option will be to have the miscreants press-ganged into Estate Agency, where they can serve out their remaining days in the most pitiful condition known to man.