(A Funny Thing Happened) Part 2

(A Funny Thing Happened) Part 2

Dorothy decided to follow the sign anyway. It was as good a way as any. "After all, Professor Virgule knew I was looking for Emerald City ... maybe this is the way."

She hadn't gone more than a hundred yards before she found herself in a forest clearing. In the center, three witches were seated on the ground before a boiling pot. One was very tall and thin the others were short and stout ... hardly more than lumps of rags.

"Are you that obnoxious Scrivener girl?" The tall one glared at Dorothy and threw a leaf into the pot.

"I'm Dorothy Scrivener, but I'm not obnoxious at all. I just want to get to Emerald City."

"No matter which way you go through the woods, that's the way you get to Emerald City – my pretty," the tall one grinned. "But, first you go through the woods. Where's your manners, child ... don't you want to know our names?"

"All these delays" sighed Dorothy. She shifted her heavy manuscript and said, "Okay, who are you?"

The tall one, every bit as tall as Dorothy even though she was sitting by the fire, said, "I am in charge. My name is "Fraudulence". My sisters are, from your left to your right, and from my right to my left, "Flatulence" and "Frustration". Our mother loved me best."

Dorothy could understand that. The two short ones had not even raised their eyes from the fire. Fraudulence was the only witch who paid her any attention.

"What are you cooking," Dorothy asked.

"Leaves, my dear. Leaves with the words of the trees that bore them. From the brew we shall pour our afternoon literary tea." She extended a cup to Dorothy. "Have some with us, dear."

"I'm not thirsty, thank you," Dorothy answered. "Besides, the cup is cracked and doesn't have a handle."

"You have no need of the essence of words then," Fraudulence smiled. "That manuscript you carry is perfect I presume."

"As perfect as it has to be, I've been writing for three years and I certainly don't need any help from a tree."

"I suppose it's a novel," Fraudulence snickered. "Does it have a title?"

"It's called, "A Night in Arkansas," it's fiction based on fact."

"The proper word is 'faction' then. Faction is your genre. I sense problems already," Fraudulence said ... "Read the opening words, those dynamite words that will grab the reader by the seat of his pants and make him your slave until the final page."

"All right," boasted Dorothy, "what do you think of this ... It was a dark and stormy night ..."

Flatulence and Frustration immediately roared with laughter and rolled over backwards. Flatulence was perilously close to the fire and Fraudulence rolled her away just in time. "That was a close one," she said. "You are the fifty millionth budding author to start a story with those words. You've made the same mistake they all do. Tell me please, how can 'it' be a 'dark and stormy night'? It, can only be 'it', nothing more, nothing less. A far better introduction would be, "The night was dark and stormy."

Flatulence stood up, adjusted her hat and dusted herself off. "Or, the old house creaked and groaned in the rising wind ... huh? How about that!?"

Frustration said, "How about ... lightning threw lurid shadows across the face of the old man lying on the library floor?"

"I think you're being spiteful." Dorothy was close to tears.

"Won't you stay for word tea, dear ... a little word tea will help to make the criticism go down." Fraudulence held out a cup, but Dorothy turned away.

"Well then, if you must go, promise us you will see Doctor Paradox before you leave the forest.

Flatulence piped up, "If you don't, the publishers will make you dance naked in the board room?" Frustration added, "You'll be lucky if they don't feed your manuscript to the shredder!"

Dorothy turned and flounced off. She didn't care whether she met Doctor Paradox or not. She was going to find her way out of this stupid forest on her own if she had to.

As she disappeared into the woods, Flatulence turned to Fraudulence and asked, "What was the word on the last leaf you threw in the pot, sister?"

"Obnoxious," Fraudulence answered.

"Suppose it read 'adorable', would you have called little Dorothy, adorable?"

"No," replied Fraudulence, "I would have called her 'obnoxious' anyway."