Withnail & I 2: Beer and Loving in Penrith (5) (Part 1)

Withnail has inherited Monty's house in Penrith, Crow Crag.  He and Marwood go to Monty's Chelsea house to collect the key.  Edwina, Monty's daughter, is currently moving in...

 

16. EXT. MONTY’S HOUSE - DAY

MARWOOD and WITHNAIL walk up.  WITHNAIL rings the bell.

EDWINA opens the door. She is dressed in a sharp-shouldered black trouser suit and top, with her hair tied back in a scarf. She is wearing an apron and rubber kitchen gloves - apart from which she exudes elegance and refinement. She has a Balkan Sobranie Colours cigarette lit, which she puts between her lips in order to peel off her right glove.

EDWINA (DELIGHTEDLY)

Oh, hello. Do come in.

As they step in, EDWINA turns to MARWOOD.

EDWINA (CONT’D)

You must be Vincent. His friend from the old days, so he was telling me. How do you do?

MARWOOD and EDWINA shake hands - very firmly on her part. A frisson of something passes between them.

MARWOOD

Pleased to meet you, Edwina. My sincerest condolences on your loss.

EDWINA

Thank you. I’m most grateful. And to you for coming. It means a lot to us. (holds out her hand) Apres vous.

MARWOOD

Merci.

CUT TO:

17. INT. MONTY’S HOUSE (LOUNGE) - DAY

More or less as it was - the decor, couches, bookshelves.

SFX: SOME RENAISSANCE LUTE MUSIC PLAYING VERY SOFTLY.

WITHNAIL and MARWOOD sit down.

EDWINA

Would you like a drink?

WITHNAIL

What have you got?

EDWINA

Tea? Coffee? I think there are some mineral waters in the ‘fridge.

WITHNAIL

Anything stronger?

EDWINA

Sadly, would you believe, I haven’t brought anything over yet. I can see if there’s anything of father’s left in the cellar.

MARWOOD

Actually, coffee would be lovely, thanks.

EDWINA (TO WITHNAIL)

Coffee?

WITHNAIL (DISAPPOINTED)

Coffee.

EDWINA

Make yourselves at home.

EDWINA goes out. WITHNAIL and MARWOOD look around.

MARWOOD

I see what you mean about this place.

WITHNAIL

Remember that evening?

MARWOOD

Remember it? I still get flashbacks now.

WITHNAIL

Bless him, the old boy didn’t like change much. Split his time between here and Penrith for the rest of his life.

MARWOOD

Incredible.

WITHNAIL

At least he was lucky enough never to need to work.

MARWOOD

What did he do with himself?

WITHNAIL

Come on! What would you do with yourself in that position?

MARWOOD

Write. Read. Travel a bit.

WITHNAIL

Have lots of sex?

MARWOOD

Hah! Chance would be a fine thing.

WITHNAIL

He gave a whole new meaning to the phrase ‘cottage industry’, I can tell you that. (pause) What’s the matter, anyway… don’t you get any down there in Margate? I’d have thought the place would be crawling alive with doggers. All those open sands and seafront shelters.

MARWOOD

They quite probably are. But that’s not my scene. Danny does a bit of a trade in sex dolls.

WITHNAIL

Sex dolls! Do they piss and shit themselves, too?

MARWOOD

All very clean, so he keeps assuring me. As if I’m going to buy one.

WITHNAIL

I suppose at least they don’t need feeding. They don’t demand pre-nups and alimony. Don’t keep popping brats out every five minutes.

MARWOOD

You haven’t lost any of your cynicism, then.

WITHNAIL

It’s a survival mechanism over there. (pause). I never asked… you ever been married, then?

MARWOOD

Nah. Things have always been a bit too precarious to settle down like that. I’ve had a couple of serious girlfriends. A few others not so serious. Other than that… (shrugs) I’ve got a friend or two around.

WITHNAIL

Friends with benefits?

MARWOOD

You could say.

WITHNAIL

Best way to be. I still can’t believe you never had the breaks with acting.

MARWOOD

Yeah, well… there it is. Plenty of us like that. The hunger goes after a few years. When you realise it’s not happening.

WITHNAIL

It’s like I said. For all the bit of cake I had, it still wasn’t what I’d hoped for. It’s all relative.

MARWOOD

At least you had that bit of cake.

EDWINA comes in with a tray of coffee stuff.

EDWINA

Did someone mention cake? I’ve got some in the kitchen.

She puts the tray on the coffee table and gives MARWOOD a sideways glance.

EDWINA (CONT’D)

Shall I be mother? How do you take it?

MARWOOD

Black’s fine, thank you. No sugar.

EDWINA (SMILING)

Sweet enough, eh?

She pours his, then gets up again, glancing at WITHNAIL.

EDWINA (CONT’D)

Help yourself. I’ll go and get the cake.

She goes out again.

WITHNAIL (QUIETLY)

To go with the finest coffee available to humanity! How come you get preferential service?

WITHNAIL pours his coffee, then takes out a hip flask and pours a generous splash into his cup. He offers it to MARWOOD, who smiles and shakes his head. WITHNAIL then takes a quick nip from the flask before putting it away again.

WITHNAIL (CONT’D)

What do you think? Edwina?

MARWOOD

She seems very nice.

WITHNAIL

Chip off the old block, eh?

MARWOOD (WISTFULLY)

He was alright, really. I ended up feeling sorry for him, in a way. He seemed like a man out of his time - stuck in a past age, struggling with the next. I guess a lot of us end up like that. I can see a bit of a likeness in her. Not in her manner, though. (pause) Is she… like he was? You know…

WITHNAIL (GRINNING)

No. Why?

MARWOOD

Nothing. Just wondered. I didn’t think so. She lives alone, then.

WITHNAIL

Always has, so I gather.

MARWOOD

The common lot at the moment, it seems.

WITHNAIL

You’ve hit the nail on the head there.

EDWINA comes in again quickly, carrying another tray with a cake and plates.

EDWINA

What’s that?

MARWOOD (STARTLED)

Sorry?

EDWINA

Hitting nails on heads.

MARWOOD (EMBARRASSED)

Nothing. We were just…

WITHNAIL (INTERRUPTING)

Talking about the old place, Edwina. Nothing a bit of paint and a few nails won’t put right.

EDWINA

It’s getting straight. I’ve got stuff everywhere. I can’t believe how much I had crammed into that flat. There’s another load coming tomorrow. At least there’s no hurry with it.

EDWINA puts the cake down.

EDWINA (CONT’D)

I don’t suppose either of you is a handyman, are you?

WITHNAIL

He’s quite handy. He only lives in Margate.

EDWINA

Oh, ha-ha! (to MARWOOD) Cake?

MARWOOD

Please.

EDWINA leans over in front of MARWOOD to cut the cake, giving him an obvious vantage point.

EDWINA

I’ve got this rather fine chest, you see. I need someone who’s handy with a tool.

WITHNAIL splutters on his coffee. MARWOOD grins with embarrassment. EDWINA glances at WITHNAIL.

EDWINA (CONT’D)

You alright?

WITHNAIL points at his cup.

WITHNAIL

Hot.

EDWINA

Put some more milk in.

She turns back to cutting the cake.

EDWINA (CONT’D)

The lid got broken in transit. Bloody people didn’t load it properly, I expect. You can’t trust anyone to do a good job nowadays.

She leans closer to MARWOOD to hand him his cake.

EDWINA (CONT’D)

These things need handling with care.

MARWOOD

I agree. I barely got my Woodwork O Level, I’m afraid.

EDWINA

I need someone who can fix a joint.

WITHNAIL (GRINNING)

Danny might be the person for that.

EDWINA

Who?

WITHNAIL

Just kidding. Wrong sort of joint. Smoking type.

EDWINA

Oh, you are full of wit, aren’t you. Considering the occasion.

WITHNAIL

I do apologise, Edwina. Forgive me.

MARWOOD

I can do basic carpentry jobs. I’ve helped with scene-building in the theatre. I’m not a joiner, though.

EDWINA (WINKING AT HIM)

Bit of a lone wolf, eh?

MARWOOD looks non-plussed. EDWINA hands WITHNAIL his cake.

EDWINA (CONT’D)

It’s alright. I’ll find someone in the Yellow Pages.

MARWOOD

Maybe put a card in a shop window.

WITHNAIL (QUIETLY)

Or a phone box.

EDWINA

What was that?

WITHNAIL

Yellow Pages. Phone box.

EDWINA

I’m sure father will have had a copy lying around somewhere. Propping up a table leg, maybe.

She sits on the sofa beside WITHNAIL and they eat their cake.

(to be continued in Part 2) https://www.abctales.com/story/harryc/withnail-i-2-beer-and-loving-penrith-5-part-2