The Ultimate Teenage Romance Novel, Chapter 2

    “No. Nonononononononono.” There was no way I was getting on that motorcycle. It was Ricky. Of course it was Ricky. It could only be Ricky seeing as the only boys in my life were Squid and Germz.

    “C’mon, you know you want to. Just do it. I’ll make you hold me tight and say you love me and make you wear my helmet when I know we’re going to die!”

    “When? When you know we’re going to die? You’re a great influential speaker.” I was still walking as he rolled his black hog, sitting and walking at the same time.

    “Hey, you were just considering it!”

    “No, I was just thinking about how the world will wreak havoc from losing the greatest female in the world all because she chose to ride a motorcycle with a complete stranger one night.”

    The night was filled with silence and the audibility only consisted of my steps, the light wind, and Ricky’s slow steps, anxiously waiting to drive. The moon shone brightly amongst the houses ahead, the winter night making the world almost pitch black. The local cat, whom I like to call Charlie Anderson, was quietly gallivanting across the Delangeles’ fence, trembling when ready to go down. He’d then walk to the other side of the fence, ready to jump down to the street. With the sight of Ricky and myself, he retreated back to his primary area, hesitating the 5 foot jump down to the Delangeles’ backyard.

    VROOM-VROOOOMMMM, Ricky revved.

    “Jesus fucking Christ, it’s fucking midnight. Learn how to be polite,” I steamed.

    “Says the girl who just cussed. Damn.”

    I stayed quiet. Sure I may cuss, but that doesn’t mean I don’t know what respect is. It doesn’t mean that I don’t know how to be polite. I would’ve said more, but my pseudo-drunken stupor made me cease to say more. Another silence occurred and I wished he would drive back already. Instead, he talked again.

    “So… I see you’re straightedge.”

    “What?”

    “Yeah, I am, too.” He smirked. I didn’t believe it. “I’ve never liked the taste of beer and I have asthma, anyway.”

    “Then hold your nose and drink it. You won’t taste it and holding your breath increases air capacity. It’s a win-win situation.” I was still gazing straight ahead towards the stoplight that would later on lead me to the neighborhood.

    “You’re telling me to be polite, look at you. It’s not polite to stare.”

    “What the…? What am I staring at?”

    “I think the stoplight’s feeling pretty uncomfortable, you staring at it like that. Your eyes are pretty—“

    “Excuse me?”

    “—fiery. They’re pretty fiery. Not pretty. I mean, they’re pretty, but they’re pretty fiery. But not in the mean way, but in the, like, ‘wow, those look like contacts’ way. Er! Not that your eyes look fake, they look re—“

    “Just shut up. You’re trying too hard. You’ll never make it in life.” His stumbling with words made me want to push him off his bike. I was just about ready to walk randomly around the area, hoping he’d lose track of both his words and sense of direction. Most of all, I wanted him to lose track of me. I picked my wallet out, opened it, pulled out a dollar, and offered it to him. “I’ll give you a dollar if you leave me alone,” I urged.

    He stopped in his tracks, looked at me with confusion and grabbed it. “Okay.” He brought out a Sharpie from his back pocket. “You see this?” he showed the marker to me. “Purple.” He started writing on the dollar.

    “That’s vandalism of government property.”

    “There’s a billion of these in the world.”

    “Yeah, going to other countries from that pointless war, smart one. Way to help.”

    He looked up and smirked. “Ever watch Serendipity?” He waved the dollar at me, a visible Haley Riot! on the right border and Pretty Ricky on the top.

    “You’re such a chick.”

    “Ever watch American Beauty?” He put the dollar in his wallet.

    “With that chick with the big forehead?”

    “Yeah, the American Pie girl.”

    “What about it?”

    “You’re my plastic bag.”

    I ran out of words to say. In the movie, a filmmaker asked a girl if she wanted to see the most beautiful thing she’d ever seen. It was a video of a plastic bag, blowing across the sidewalk up in the air, being pushed by winds of all ages and direction. What the hell was I supposed to say to that? I said the first thing that came up in my mind.

    “I’m a man and I have an uncircumcised penis.”

    It’s okay. I didn’t know what I was thinking or what I just said either. But honest to God I’m full XX chromosome.

    He stared at me queerly and chuckled. “You’re funny.”

    “Not even.” I looked at him. He was sitting on his bike, still in position to ride, gazing at me. Fucking creepy.

    “Uh, you have my dollar. Shoo.” I started walking.

    “If you get this dollar as change in the next year, then it means you’re falling for me!” he yelled at me. Without leaving me time to turn around and respond, he drove back the opposite way. I walked back home, quiet, thinking through the streets and the shortcut through canyon with Charlie Anderson right next to me.

    Climbing up my gazebo and hopping onto the roof to my window was an adventure as Charlie Anderson cried if I didn’t wait. Not only was he scared to jump down, but up as well. What a pussy. Just before he and I were about to enter my window, something hit me, literally. I turned around. You could only guess who.

    “Sorry, I was aiming for the window, but you were in the way.”

    I ignored him. I carried on to my business and brought Charlie Anderson with me.

    “Wait! Do you know the movie The Hot Chick?”

    I glared at him as he did some sort of elongated blowing-kiss which included wrapping it up in a gift. What in the fucking world is this guy? But I smiled sweetly. “Wanna see my hand sign?”

    “Yeah,” he smiled.

    I pretended to be innocent as I held up a fist with my fingers facing me. I made my left hand seem like it was turning some imaginary crank, jack-in-the-box style as my middle finger solely rose from my palm. I climbed in through my window as Charlie Anderson was napping on me bed and went straight to my closet. I could hear Ricky laugh as he drove away on his motorcycle.