The Iron Rainbow : Part Two

SUSAN : How are you two? Ken and I are having a little discussion. It’s about the church and its downfall. And yes, I think that all you lot have done is helped bring it about.

LEE : I’m afraid I’d have to disagree  with that, because I think it started with the people in the church itself. I knew a gay vicar once and he was more interested in attending gay rights campaigns than running the vicarage.

LIZARD : Yes, everybody knows what they are really like. The vicar at our church was caught feeling up the altar boys more than once. They sent him down south to repent. Trouble was, when he got back half the congregation were making same sex friends and proving that the ‘prairie fire myth’ is no myth. I don’t want to sound cynical but in a way there is nothing more moral about these christians at all half the time. They’re simply choosing a certain circle of acquaintances and probably enjoying the hypocrisy.

SUSAN : Now that’s an evil comment. You have no faith in human nature.

LIZARD : Neither would you if you felt the ideals of a country were against you and you had no choice but to be a casualty.

SUSAN : Sometimes the ideals or policies of a country don’t really work for anyone unless you either make a conscious effort to fit in or consider a change in personal circumstances.

LIZARD : Yes, when the serpent writhes there’s always a threat.

LEE : There’s certainly a threat when my serpent writhes, particularly if I’m with the right person.

(Putting his hand on Ken’s shoulder, Lee continues)

Maybe you‘re the right person, Ken.

(Ken moves away quickly and uncomfortably)

KEN : No I’m not. You’re just a creep.

(Exit Ken)

SUSAN : I’m leaving when you start on the smut. (Gets up to go) Carry on plotting to overthrow the government, you might as well finish the job.

(Susan moves to exit)

LEE : Isn’t it the other way around -putting conviction into scapegoating? How much more plausible it all is if your scapegoats have done crime, even something relatively innocuous likea gay sexuality is played up for a subversive purpose. You can be a well-known sixty-niner and still perfectly legal and yet nobody would believe that person innocent of the crime of which they were accused. Because half the time they would not want to.

(Susan reaches door and is about to exit)

SUSAN : Probably not.

LIZARD : (Addressing Lee) Don’t sound so hard done by. They never appreciate that.

LEE : No, but I don’t believe in wimpy subservience, Lizard.

LIZARD : That sounds like a badly built  housing estate.

LEE : Exactly, the best foundations for any house are at least firm if not rock hard.

LIZARD : Don’t start talking in a foreign language. I’m not in the mood to translate. That clap-trap you spouted to Susan was impossible to grasp.

LEE : People have said that about my body.

LIZARD : Maybe they have elsewhere but I don’t think they’d bother commenting here. To get to the point I know that Marti doesn’t like the way you go on and unfortunately you don’t seem to change the way you are.

LEE : Are you telling me how to behave here? You are taking it all too seriously. Maybe Marti doesn’t quite see things the way I do but it’s not important. I admit that I don’t really know what to make of him. When he calls me ‘Blue Moon’ I don’t think he understands the sort of person I am. He can light a few prairie fires, fair enough, and yes, he doesn’t need me to rekindle any of them but I’m not changing for anybody.

LIZARD : Why don’t you call him in then? It’s almost lunchtime.

LEE : (Shouting) Marti, you’re wanted down here.

LIZARD : He’ll be like a docker who’s lost his date.

(Marti  enters)

MARTI : (Addressing Lee) What do you want?

LEE : Lunch will be ready soon and I know you like pork.

MARTI : Are you being funny or what?

LIZARD : He’s being very considerate.

LEE : Don’t take any notice of him, Marti.

MARTI : I don’t want your consideration and I certainly don’t want your phoney sympathy. You’re a puffter and you are giving me a bad name.

LEE : A bad name? You flatter yourself. To get a bad name from me you have to earn it. I know it’s important to you to be accepted here as a red-blooded male but don’t you think you’re taking your macho image obsession just a bit too far?

MARTI : No, I just don’t want people to think that I like benders.

LEE : You love yourself, don’t you?

MARTI : I’m getting really sick of you. Keep away from me.

LEE : Other people will get the benefit.

MARTI : They’re welcome.

(Hatch to kitchen is raised)

NORMAN : Grubs up.

(Marti  is first up to the dining table, then Lizard)

(Kenneth enters)

NORMAN : Any complaints, keep them to yourselves. You wouldn’t get better fed at the Savoy.

KENNETH : We don’t complain about your food, Norman, just having to do the washing up afterwards. (Moves to seat and sits down)

NORMAN : Just eat it. I’ve been slaving over a hot stove all morning.

(Lee is the last one seated at a table for four. He is forced to sit opposite Marti. He has approached his seat recalcitrantly, but shows no obvious discomfort at being directly opposite to him)

MARTI : I don’t want you there Blue Moon.

LEE : Too bad, there is nowhere else.

MARTI :  Nobody wants you there.

LEE : Probably not but that doesn’t bother me.

LIZARD : As long as nobody likes anybody else things are normal. I’d eat the soup, it’s not every day we get vichysoisse.

LEE : You’re always trying to keep the peace. Quite honestly that’s becoming a pain in itself.

LIZARD : You are just unreasonable. There’s only me and Ken have any sense on this table. Isn’t that so, Ken?

KENNETH : I don’t want to side with anyone. I mind my own business.

LEE : You’d both bend over backwards to avoid trouble.

LIZARD : It makes more sense than asking for it.

MARTI : You’re all asking for it. Why don’t you shut up?

(Norman approaches the table with a vase of violet columbines)

KENNETH : Why’s he bringing a vase of flowers?

LEE : (Aside in a lowered voice) To make us feel at home probably. Nobody usually notices. I’d say nothing.

(Norman places the vase on the table and stands back)

MARTI : What a waste of time. I want to eat a dinner at the table not have half of a puffy cook’s allotment on it.

NORMAN : If you don’t like it, lads, tough. I think it makes it more homely. And if you don’t like allotments then don’t eat the dinner. All the vegetables are home grown. You’ve got me best early peas and baby carrots today. As for the violet columbines, yes, they are wasted on most people, but I think they look good. You can’t say you aren’t well looked after, can you? It’s part of the policy here to make you comfortable. It’s your job, Kenneth, to clear away the soup plates. Please do it as soon as they have finished, so the main course can be served. Got that?

KENNETH : Yes.

MARTI : You can serve me first. I don’t want it cold.

LEE : Everything has to be right for you. When I want things to be right I usually find I have to do it myself.

MARTI : Yes, you are so perfect. There’s only you can do things properly.

LEE : You make me sound big-headed when you know that that is really your problem.

NORMAN : Can we drop the antagonism, lads, and just eat the meal?

(Norman drops the hatch and disappears)

MARTI : (Looking aggressively at Lee) Will you stop staring at me?

LEE : I wasn’t aware that I was. You are so paranoid.

MARTI : I’m not paranoid. I just resent being gawped at as if I was an animal at the zoo. Go and watch gorillas if you want to do that sort of thing. There is nobody shows themselves up like you do.

LEE : You are the one who is strange if you ask me. I’m not staring at anyone half the time. You just imagine it.

LIZARD : Why don’t you all calm down? Bad vibes don’t help anyone’s digestion.

LEE : It’s not me that causes trouble. All I want to do is eat my dinner. And I would have thought you had been here long enough to know good digestion is a refinement none of us can afford anyway.

LIZARD : Maybe but I don’t expect to choke to death.

(Marti places apple sauce on spoon and flicks it in Lee’s direction. As a consequence he is splattered with it)

LEE : I’ve always felt appreciated.

(Lee returns the gesture so Marti  is splattered with apple sauce)

LEE : (said as soon as he’s flicked the spoon) Up yours!

MARTI : You f***** bastard. I’m going to knock you out for this.

(Marti  leaves his seat and sets about an attack on Lee. They end up in a tussle on the floor. Meanwhile the rest of the cast begin to cheer, bang cutlery on the table and generally give the impression of riotous behaviour. During the struggle the vase of flowers is knocked over.)

(Norman enters)

NORMAN : (Rushing in) What’s going on? Someone get Len in here.

(Exit Lizard)

NORMAN : (Looking at Lee) What have you got to say for yourself?

LEE : He doesn’t like apple sauce.

NORMAN : What on earth are you talking about? It won’t do any of you any good to get violent.

(Enter Len)

LEN : It’s alright, Norman, I’ll see to it. I’m used to the volcano erupting and spewing out some red hot lava occasionally. The temperature in this place has been hotting up for some time. Now the fire has got going.

LEE : Some hope.

LEN : You’re a cheeky swine. Get this mess cleared up, it looks like a pig-sty. (Len surveys the scene)..... and I see the flower vase is broken. None of you can get on together, and you, (looking at Marti) were always the worst.

MARTI : Maybe but I’m not a fool. Some people only understand the fist. That puff’s always staring at me and I just got sick of it. My mates here will tell you what he’s like. Everything he says to me is bent. When I tell him to get lost he can’t wait to tell me that other people will get the benefit. I’m beginning to think that nobody can see through him but me. If you won’t do anything about it I want a transfer.

LEN : Well there is probably some truth in the fact that Lee can irritate people, but there is a right and a wrong way of dealing with it. You need to forget your prejudices and try to be more understanding: being paranoid does not help either. I doubt you will ever be best friends but I certainly think that you can get over this antagonism and bad feeling.

MARTI : I thought you would blame me. It was only what he deserved and I didn’t really hurt him. Lee will tell you that, won’t you, Lee?

LEE : It was nothing, Len. The apple sauce got spilt that’s all.

LEN : I’m not called in from the office for nothing, but regardless of the seriousness of the incident I do know that somewhere in all this is a joke.

MARTI : A joke?

LEN : Yes, a joke about William Tell’s son; the apple and the crossbow being replaced with apple sauce and a left hook.

LEE : Yes, it is a bit of a joke, particularly if you are going to drag up kids’ TV programmes from the sixties.

LEN : Okay, we’ll drop it this time because as far as I can see nobody has suffered any actual physical injury. Keep out of each other’s way that’s all, particularly if neither of you are prepared to change your attitude. Just be realistic and remember that we don’t tolerate violence here. Any of you found writhing around like serpents will be done.

LEE : I’ll mop up the spilt water and pick up the flowers.

LEN : Good, no more will be said. All we have seen here is yellow venom.

(PAUSE)

 

Continued in Part Three