Mad Smithers and the Government's All Under Control Plan : Episode 10

Smithers 10

(At Smither’s home)

SMITHERS : Get up, Malcolm – the alarm is going off at the Institute.

MALCOLM : But, Smithers, I am too comfortable.

SMITHERS : You fool, Malcolm. You run I will take the car. We don’t want to appear together.

MALCOLM : Oh no, of course not.

(At the Institute)

MR. HARDCASTLE : So you’ve got here eventually, Smithers. We couldn’t get hold of Malcolm at his home.

SMITHERS : No, that’s odd.

HARDCASTLE : Here’s Malcolm now. Where’ve you been?

MALCOLM : Oh, I had to pop out for some milk.

HARDCASTLE : The milk of human kindness I hope, Malcolm.

MALCOLM : Of course, Hardcastle.

HARDCASTLE : Good, we don’t want any gay men in Britain, it would sully the high moral fabric of the place.

SMITHERS : I don’t know what you mean, Hardcastle.

HARDCASTLE : Just check the Top Secret room.

SMITHERS : Everything’s  fine and dandy, but I see a bottle of antidote is missing.

HARDCASTLE : The hardened criminals I suspect are Rosemary Custard and that other one.

SMITHERS : But, Hardcastle, Pigs’ Trotters is dead.

HARDCASTLE : Whatever, I’m having that B.A. woman arrested.

(At the school in Derbyshire)

PC POTTS : What are you doing up the arse of Elder McCronie’s daughter? Come quietly, Miss Custard.

ROSEMARY : You fool, the girl is constipated. I am nurse and good mother to all these girls.

PC POTTS : So that strap-on thing is just a little teaser.

ROSEMARY : Of course, PC Potts.

PC POTTS : I am arresting you anyway, on suspicion of breaking into Smither’s Institute.

ROSEMARY : Oh, Susan, all is lost. First the death of our dearly loved Pigs’ and now I am branded a mere criminal.

(At Loose Lucy’s sex parlour)

LOOSE LUCY : So all the casts of Smithers’ penis are done and the dildos produced?

TIGER LILY : Yes, Lucy. It is quite a whopper. It should bring tears of joy to many old dears.

LOOSE LUCY : Distribute the new dildos to Randy Rod and Sexy Sid; they will give them free to all our female customers.

TIGER LILY : It is a humming bird that sings such a sweet tune.

LOOSE LUCY : We all love Smithers, Tiger.

(At Smugtown station : Pigs’ Trotters and Mrs. Upsall get off the train)

PIGS’ : Quick, let’s get to Mrs. Struthers’ lodging house and give the Elder McCronie the antidote.

MRS. UPSALL : That man must be released from the chains of evil.

(They knock on the door of Repentance House)

MRS. STRUTHERS : So you have come back.

PIGS’ : Yes, my dear lady, we need to see the Elder McCronie one mo’ time.

MRS. STRUTHERS : He is in the conservatory, go round the back.

PIGS’ : Ah, Elder McCronie, we have come to see you again.

MRS . UPSALL : Yes, Elder McCronie, I have a herbal tea  for you, drink it.

ELDER McCRONIE : Oh ladies, please, I’m so glad to see you.

PIGS’ : Quick, gag that Struthers woman when she comes in. I will inject her.

(Mrs. Struthers appears, is gagged and injected. She collapses limp in a heap)

PIGS’ : Come on we better get going, Elder McCronie, this Smugtown is more than a woman or even a man can take.

MRS . UPSALL : Yes, it’s a right dump, let’s go.

( They catch the train but are spotted by the policeman. He blows whistle as the train pulls away)

(At the Institute)

HARDCASTLE : The Elder McCronie has escaped from Repentance House.

SMITHERS : I knew he should have been kept in prison. He is an awful subversive.

HARDCASTLE : I want the three of them : Rosemary Custard B.A., Mrs. Upsall, and the Elder McCronie.

SMITHERS : They can destroy everything.

HARDCASTLE : Yes, do you know Rosemary Custard is the most wicked lesbian. She is corrupting girls at the school.

SMITHERS : Never.

HARDCASTLE : Yes, PC Potts found her up the arse of Elder McCronie’s daughter Susan.

SMITHERS : The woman has  a prosthetic?

HARDCASTLE : Apparently – she certainly does not need the drug penis.

SMITHERS : Oh terrible, terrible business. The woman is evil.

(At the sex parlour)

RANDY ROD : Women everywhere are fainting at the sight of Smithers’ cock.

SEXY SID : Yes, they seem to prefer it to the real thing.

RANDY ROD : We will be going out of business, Sid.

SEXY SID : Probably, Rod, probably.

(At the Institute)

HARDCASTLE : I want these posters put up everywhere PC Potts. These people are the most hardened criminals in England.

PC POTTS : What does it say?

HARDCASTLE : Read it, man, read it.

PC POTTS : WANTED  Reward for the capture of the beasts of Derbyshire. Three animals that must be tamed. Rosemary Custard – usually up someone’s arse. Mrs. Upsall, usually disgusted by all obnoxious smells. Elder McCronie, the most dangerous of them all, a veritable Hitler in the making – mass murderer and ladies man.