Mad Smithers and the Government's All Under Control Plan : Episode 7

Smithers 7

(At the Institute)

SMITHERS : So, Malcolm, everybody has been brainwashed throughout the kingdom.

MALCOLM : Yes that is correct. Together with the complicity tap water everybody should be under your control.

HARDCASTLE : At last, Smithers, you have got them under control. But do you think there will be any subversives who are resistant?

SMITHERS : Well, if for example, someone has not drunk the tap water for some reason they may not be complicit.

HARDCASTLE : Let’s hope for their sakes that is not true. And the Elder McCronie, has he been dealt with?

SMITHERS : Yes, he is a subversive we have criminalised.

HARDCASTLE : Good, we don’t want riff-raff like that interrupting the plans of a genius.

SMITHERS : Oh you are so right, Hardcastle. We must suppress the rubbish.

(Deep in the heart of England two active teachers are untouched by Smithers’ plans. Drinking only bottled water they are far from complicit)

(Pigs’ Trotters, an old school ma’am is up the arse of Rosemary Custard B.A. with her antique strap-on from the reign of Queen Victoria)

SUSAN McCRONIE : What are you doing?

PIGS’ : Oh it’s you, Susan McCronie. What do think I’m doin’? I’m fuckin’ dis custard.

SUSAN : Very funny. You told me you would help my father, Elder McCronie, now he has been arrested by a corrupt police force.

PIGS’ : So we will.

ROSEMARY : What ho, I’ll say. Retract Pigs’, we don’t want to corrupt the girl.

PIGS’ : I was just getting some momentum going.

SUSAN : We are the only ones not complicit because the school uses bottled water.

ROSEMARY : Apparently, Susan.

SUSAN : Mrs. Upsall, my father’s parishioner wants to help all she can. I have told her not to drink from the water supply. She’s on her way to the school.

(Next day)

ROSEMARY : Oh, Mrs. Upsall, I’m so glad you made it. I’m Rosemary Custard B.A. Magdalen.

MRS. UPSALL : Oh Magdalen, Cambridge.

ROSEMARY : No, Magdalen Street, Cissy Back Lane, Burnley.

MRS. UPSALL : Well, wherever you are coming from the Elder McCronie needs our help.

ROSEMARY : Yes, poor Susan is shocked, to think her father languishes in a prison cell as we speak.

MRS. UPSALL : The country is being overtaken by the mad machinations of a research scientist named Mad Smithers. Hardcastle gave him instructions.

ROSEMARY : Yes, the very highest echelons of the government are involved.

MRS. UPSALL : What are we to do?

ROSEMARY : Do not dismay; we will formulate a plan, rescue the Elder McCronie and destroy this Mad Smithers and Hardcastle.

MRS. UPSALL : Who is going to help us when the government is corrupt?

ROSEMARY : We must go the court of human rights in Europe, Mrs. Upsall.

MRS. UPSALL : But after Brexit is this possible?

ROSEMARY : Time is of the essence but we have time yet. It will take two years before the court is defunct.

MRS. UPSALL : And after that.

ROSEMARY : Mayhem. No one will be safe.

MRS. UPSALL : Already I am feeling so much better.

(Pigs’ appears)   What are you doing here?

PIGS’ TROTTERS : I’m fuckin’ dis custard.

MRS. UPSALL : So am I.

ROSEMARY : Please Pigs’, not now, we’ll have a rodding later. Mrs. Upsall is just going to stay in the dorm tonight while we formulate our plans.

(At the sex parlour)

LOOSE LUCY : I feel so complicit with everything the government wants, don’t  you, Babette?

BABETTE : Yes, I am ready to do anything the government wants of me.

TIGER LILY : So am I. The government has us all at its disposal. They may use Andrex and Darren as they will. We are fully complicit.

LOOSE LUCY : That is right – Andrex and Darren, our two loveley tools are in the hands of the government.

ANDREX : You are not wrong. The Elder McCronie must pay for his crimes. The man is a very bad criminal. He tried to use us outside our legitimate remit.

DARREN : The man is a monster. Down with the Elder McCronie.

LOOSE LUCY : That is right, boys. Follow Smithers, he is our God now. Whatever he says goes.

(At Luigi’s restaurant)

LUIGI : Oh, Dr. Smithers. Take a seat here.  Make my humble house your own.

SMITHERS : Thank you, Luigi. I see you are totally under control. You will be rewarded by my people.

LUIGI : You must have the perfecta pasta. It is bellissimo, bellissimo.

MALCOLM : So, Smithers. It looks like we have taken them all in. Your plan is working like a dream.

SMITHERS : Yes, Malcolm, these fools are so complicit. They have no idea I have their brains in the palm of my hand.

MALCOLM : You cannot fail, Smithers.

SMITHERS : No, Malcolm. We are like gods, these poor fools are merely pawns, we can use them all just as we please.

MALCOLM : Oh here comes Hardcastle.

HARDCASTLE : Hello, don’t get too comfortable we’ve heard something about a boarding school in Derbyshire. Apparently they are not complicit.

SMITHERS : What! That is impossible.

HARDCASTLE : No, Rosemary Custard B.A. and Pigs’ Trotters are not under control. They don’t drink the tap water.

SMITHERS : Damn them, they are true subversives. This calls for murder.