Broken cobwebs

"You think I didn't wanna tell her, come on, I mean course I did, I'm not one of those, ya know one of those arses that, ya know, doesn't give a fuck, no, not me, never been, well, maybe once, in my youth, who wasn't, there'd be lying wouldn't they.

"I read a book once about lying. Made me shiver it did. It found me out. A book, can ya believe that? A bloody book broke through me disguises like they were made a cobwebs. Cobwebs? Funny that, as they say the freads are stronger than steel, not sure I believe 'em now.

"Anyway this book took me for a frigging ride on its back, felt like some tourist on an Indian elephant cutting through an unexplored land. Shit, wanted to get off that fing, never fought there was so much 'idden in the undergrowth, ya know, then it even told me to look up 'cause there was more, way up inta the treetops, where I saw shadows lurking and branches springing, couldn't believe there was more up there, scared the life outa me it did. Anyways, dunno why I'm talking about an elephant as if it was in the room 'ere.

"But guess what? Yeah, I kept on reading, it was 'ypnotic.

"Just before I go on I need to tell ya that I ain't much of a reader, well not like some of 'em, flip me, some of 'em, like me old mate, Charlie, she's never without a book, swears by 'em, like multivitamins or an apple a day, it's like that. I wouldn't mind but she babbles on 'bout 'em all the friggin' time, and I look, nod, agree and pretend like I'm listening but I could't give a shit. She recommends 'em to me and tells me I should 'ave a butcher's and I nod again, read the back and say 'yeah, sure'.

"Well, that leads me to that book I told ya 'bout, about lying. Yeah, ya guessed right, I gave in ta Charlie and fought I'd give one a go, show her I wasn't so stupid after all, try ta back up some of me previous nods of agreement. She'd been extra pushy 'bout his one an' all.

"So I read the back and it looked a bit different to the others, talked about 'ow we trick others and ourselves by running from a 'idden truth, somefing at the back of our 'eads we've forgotten, said we all did it, but some more than others. I forgot 'bout it, then caught sight of it down the stationary aisle of Tescos one day, funny, 'cause I never 'ead down there normally, fought it was the tins and pasta and that. Spotted it there, fink it was the reduced price sticker that caught me eye more than anyfink, all orange and glowing.

"That evenin', in the bath, I 'ad a read, couldn't put it down, made me water cold it did, weren't sure if it was the book or the temperature in there but I was shivering like a bastard, even after gettin' out, fought I'd got a flu bug or somefink. A large scotch settled me, felt better, bloody awful feelin' that was but s'ppose I was in there for 'bout two hours, came out like a prune, but I'd got out the bath so quick I 'adn't even washed, so was still all dirty with the grime of the workin' day - paint, plaster, white spirit, cement all in me 'air. Any'ow that'd 'ave ta wait 'til the morning, I'd fought, took me a bleedin' hour to take the chill away, I weren't goin' back in any time soon. 

"Could I fuckin' sleep that night? Ya 'avin' a laugh, no, was tossing and turnin', smellin' the dust all caked in my 'air and the turps from me 'ands like I was still on site, me 'ead a buzz of all sorts, like white bleedin' noise it was, crackling away, stressin' me out, never 'ad a night like it, not normal for me, just wasn't right, 'ad ta get up in the end to wear the carpets out with me pacin', must've been five before I nodded, woke up all sweatin' from a nightmare, to then 'ear the alarm at six. What a night! Just dunno what 'ad come over me.

"Been years since I'd bin ta the quacks, in fact 'ad ta register with one first. Yeah, that long. Soze he asks all these questions about everyfink other than why I was there, like personal, private stuff. Was gettin' a bit pissed off, was only in there 'cause of me gut pains and 'eadaches, just wanted some pills, fought they was good at all that, well that's what I'd 'eard anyways. 

"Took this medicine for a few days but 'ated the stuff, bunged me up good and proper, fought I was gonna explode, stopped eatin' and all that. Embarrassin' it was, didn't tell no one, well who was there ta tell?

"So, that book, yeah, I read it in three days, well, three days and three nights as I couldn't sleep or work. I even wrote stuff down. Ya believe that? Got a freakin' pen and paper and took some notes, like some airy fairy student and that. Opened me eyes, it did. God, did it! Made me fink 'bout what I'd done way back and even told me why I'd done it all, laid me out fucking stark bollock naked it did, stripped like a slab of  meat at the auction 'ouse. It'd worked me out, therapized me, even made me cry. Ain't cried since mum died, and then I had ta force it 'cause I didn't feel much, squeezed it out like you might a sound from a bagpipe, all puffin' and 'ollow.

"I 'ad ta tell Charlie, was the only way, might 'ave ta listen to a few more of her stories before I could get it out but what the 'eck, I was bursting 'ere. 

"Saw her after work, just in town, over a pint and 'alf. She told me I looked all different, a mess, lost me spark, was I all right, eating enough, the right fings, and when did I last sleep well. I fought I was back at the docs for a moment there. 

"Musta looked shit as she never mentioned 'er books, there weren't time, was all about me. It felt like a first date, as if we'd not met until then, made me feel uncomfortable, fidgety like, 'ands were all a windmill.

"Then I told 'er, spilled the beans, felt like I was back in the bath, all a shiver, sort of like Parkinsons, or that's 'ow I remembered it for dad. Was fightin', fightin like Tyson there, battlin' this wave a stuff, building, climbin' the ladders of me throat, and I was swallowin' it back with me Stella and any saliva I could muster, tryin' to drown it good and proper. Fuckin' tough little fucker clung on like a right cunt it did, made me look a soft shit there, in front of Charlie of all people, Charlie, the only one I've ever trusted. Yeah, of course, was all coming back now.

"Then I grabbed 'er 'and and rolled 'er engagement ring round and round 'er finger, and I fought of the time I'd lied to her so I could nip out to the high street to buy it after work, opposite Tescos of all places. She'd been 'oppin' mad with me, said there was enough ta do without me buggering off out, somefink 'bout a leaky tap and a noise up in the loft. I woulda got the ring at lunchtime but somefing came up last minute, couldn't wriggle out of it. I kept it a secret I did, not sure 'ow though finkin' 'bout it again. Ironic init, been given an earful for somefink like that.

"Anyways, thought I'd tell you boys 'bout 'ow we all ended up 'ere, what with the marriage tomorro and that. Am I feelin' ok? Yeah, I'm feelin' alright, excited to be marrying that gorgeous girl. Just wan' it underway, keep thinking about my speech and 'opin' I can 'old it all together.

"Ya know what though boys...Bloody cryin' again...Shit, sorry, fellas...I...I really wish me mum and dad were 'ere to see us...they'd 'ave loved it wouldn't they...

"I miss 'em such a lot...ya know I really bloody miss 'em."