Silk

I stuffed my ears with plugs trying to muffle my leaping voices. I screwed them tight, tighter still, as the light from the dawn forced a path through my black out curtains. I imagined other sleepers across the land, hated them for their comfortable quilts, puffed pillows and endless dreams. I knew this attempt was over now and gave up trying.

Before the night had begun, I lined up memories, ready to pour them down drains, as if sleep was some unblocker to a new world. There were many and getting them together and organised was arduous. Especially one, which was particularly slippery, forever masquerading as one I wished to keep.

Outside, owls and foxes turned to great tits and their melodies brought me company. I thought how nice it would be to be one of them right now, living in their simple world of branch and air.  Wings instead of cars; worms instead of Tesco’s; trees instead of rent.

Above me, a spider, which I'd seen before I went to bed, was unmoved in exactly the same corner of my room. Sitting in the centre of a tiny web, it waited. Like me it had remained here all night. It sat on its silks, having built on the nightshift, built when I was below, unaware. It made me question where my silks were, if I had any, if I would find something similar today. ‘I had been busy, too’, I responded, through the folds in my brow.

By now people were readying their vehicles for the commute, doors were slamming, rev counters soaring. They were refreshed, I could tell from the chit chatter, all rosy and bright. They were talking about their day and everything in it. They were talking about their lives.

The phone which I had failed to answer, finally disconnected. Its departure was a relief and a sadness in equal measure.

This day I couldn’t use reminded me of yesterday and so many before. Its relentless tick tocking and chiming over punctuating my hours with question marks.

On the ceiling, a large fly’s life had ended. Not only breakfast but also a renewed purpose, for the web was destroyed in the struggle. I wondered if I could spin such a true delight, catch something important, and rebuild my world. I wondered, if I found my silks, if I could risk their destruction for the sake of being who I wanted to be.