Craven Danger at the Crossroads - Part Two

“All you have to do,” said the school attendant at St. Ignatius elementary school, “is to make sure no student gets run over. It’s simple. This is your stop sign and this is your whistle. When the kids are ready to cross over, you step into the middle of the street, hold your stop sign way up in the air and blow your whistle real loud. When all the cars have stopped, you wave the kids over to the other side of the street. When they’re safely across, you put down your stop sign and wave the traffic onward.

“When you see more kids coming, you repeat steps one, two and three. Hold up sign. Blow whistle. Wave kids across. It’s idiot proof. Have you got all that, Mr. Danger?”

“Yeah, ma’am, I got it,” said Craven. “But about that whistle?”

“Yes, Mr. Danger?”

“Do I really gotta blow it that loud?” said Craven. “I’ve got sensitive eardrums and loud noises give me the jitters.”

“Then put some cotton in your ears, Mr. Danger,” said the attendant. “Because we want the whistle loud. Traffic will not listen to a quiet whistle.”

“Got it,” said Craven.

“Good,” said the attendant.

“One more thing,” said Craven.

“Yes, Mr. Danger?”

“How high up do I gotta hold the sign?” said Craven. “Because, ta tell ya the truth, as young as I am, I think I’m developin’ an early case of rheumatism in my right shoulder. It kills me every time I gotta flag down a cab.”

“Then use your left arm, Mr. Danger,” said the attendant.

“I thought as much,” said Craven. ”But I thought I‘d ask anyway.”

“Then we understand each other?” said the attendant.

“We’re good,” said Craven.

“Here’s your badge,” said the attendant. “You’ll need to pin that to the flap pocket of your uniform.”

“Ya know,” said Craven. “If I knew there was gonna be a uniform involved, I might a done this sooner.”

“We’re glad to have you aboard, Mr. Danger,” said the attendant. “Some of our crossing guards are getting old. And sometimes these kids can be a handful.”

“Don’t you worry about a thing,” said Craven. “These kids get outta line, I’ll give ‘em what for across the old backside.”

“You’ll do no such thing!” said the attendant. “You’ll do exactly as I’ve told you and nothing more. If you spot an unruly child, you will get that students name and report it to the front office. We’ll take it from there. Is that understood, Mr. Danger?”

“Yes, ma’am,” said Craven.

“All right then,” said the attendant. “Now get to work!”

And I thought Betty was tough, thought Craven. She makes Betty sound downright reasonable.

“Hey look at the new crossing guard!” said a young boy from across the street. “His fly’s open and his tails hanging out!”

Craven Danger looked down and reached for his zipper.

Hey, thought Craven. My fly’s not open.

“Ha, ha!” said the young boy. “Made ya look! Made ya look! Stole ya momma’s pocket book!”

I tell ya, thought Craven. These kids are darn lucky Betty hid all my bullets.

“Oh, Yeah!” said Craven. “We’ll see who gets the last laugh around here, kid! You’ll soon find out who’s runnin’ the show on this corner! It’s the guy with the badge! Me! Craven Danger! That’s who!”