Death Sat Down Beside Me

Death sat down beside me. I didn’t invite him. I wasn’t ready.

I was in my regular seat on the train thinking of something to write when he boarded.

He was dressed in black. I wasn’t expecting that. I thought that was the stuff of movies.

I wanted Death to be like an old friend. Dressed in khaki shorts and a wild Hawaiian shirt. Someone you’d welcome in. The two of you having beers. Discussing old times. Remember those girls in New Orleans? That was some night, buddy. Let’s have one more for the road. Then, bam! Next stop, Heaven’s Gate.

I look over at Death and wonder why it has to be this way. What if he had gotten on the train and there was someone else sitting beside me? Would he have simply walked by and chosen another? Or would he have said, excuse me, sir, but you’re in my seat? The occupant of the seat would have stood and walked away. Death would then have sat down, leaned in to me and said, 'When it’s your turn, it’s your turn. There are no free passes.'

But the seat next to me was empty and he took it.

He was casual at first. Just another fellow commuter thumbing his iphone. Occasionally he’d finger his ponytail. I never imagined death in a ponytail. Not sinister enough. And gone were the macabre hoodie and scythe props. This Death was dressed East Village style. Tee shirt, jeans and boots. All black. The new improved stream-lined Death.

Death is silent at first. He then laughs at something on his iphone. What is so funny? Is it a message from his boss? Was he sitting in the wrong seat? No, no, Death. It’s the guy behind you. Oh, Death! What am I to do with you?

Death nudges me. He wants me to have a look. I do. But it’s not a message at all. It’s an image. It’s a cartoon of Tony Soprano in Heaven. Tony is standing nose to nose with God. And God is saying, “I do the whacking around here!”

I share his laughter. Though mine is a bit nervous.

The conductor announces we have reached our final destination and I immediately think of the Twilight Zone. But pretty much everything in my life I relate to one television show or another. Hey, hon, this is just like that episode on Seinfeld when. . . Or do you remember that bit on The Office where the whole staff got drunk and. . .

Death got off the train before me. He didn’t beckon me forward like I expected. Or stop the world in its tracks for a moment while I made my way off the train and into the arms of the angels. He simply stepped off the train and kept walking. Never looking back. I composed myself. I’d been under a lot of stress lately. Maybe those chest pains I was feeling last night weren’t the early cries of a heart attack after all. Death be damned, I thought.

I felt silly as I hit the street and took in a big gulp of fresh air. I stopped by a newsstand for a pack of gum and noticed one of the headlines: Tony Soprano Leaves Kin 70 Mil.

I don’t buy the gum. I keep walking. I’m feeling those chest pains again.

What if Death had taken me? What would I have left behind for my family? My savings? The last time I looked, I had twelve dollars and change. I had used most of my life savings to purchase a sure thing that never showed itself. I’m still hoping it will.

So, what of my family? What would have been my legacy? My porno stash? My unfinished novels? My dirty underwear? - which I most certainly would have left on the bathroom floor after my morning shower.

I immediately called my wife and apologized about the underwear. ‘I love you,' I said. ‘Dinner's on me tonight.' The porno stash and unfinished novels I would get to when I got home. Although, I’m pretty sure my son has been through both those things. Much enjoying the first and scratching his head over the second.

I will see a doctor first thing in the morning. I will eat right and stay healthy. A long life is the best revenge.

I only hope I can pull it off this time.