The Hundred and Ten Pound Novel - Chapter VII - A Damn Fine Fellow

Antoine Bouvier’s first book, The Merriment I Have a Had with the Ladies: A Rogue, A Scoundrel and a Damn Fine Fellow was due for release by the American firm of Slater Publishing.

He could hardly contain his excitement as he jetted over the Atlantic, bound for New York, boring his plane-mates silly with his exasperating tale.

“Would you believe,” said Antoine Bouvier, “that it took an American to see the genius of a genuine rogue such as Antoine Bouvier! But it is true, my friends. Antoine Bouvier gave the ladies of France - and an occasional gentleman, if I may be so bold - quite the thrill. But only the really pretty gentleman. The one that would easily be mistaken for a fine looking lady, and not, might I add, be confused with Gerard Depardieu!

“A fine actor, there is no such doubt about that, and a gentleman of sorts. Many is the time that I have seen this gentleman at the fabulous swinging late-night cocktail party. But not someone I would care to share my fine satin sheets.

“Oh, goodness me! Could you imagine this big fat Frenchman sharing a bed with the agile and magnificent lover of the ladies, Antoine Bouvier! It is absurd! That they display in the tabloids this atrocious forgery of a photo, concocted by a jealous lover who I had abandoned after my lusty urgings were spent is a travesty and an absurdity!

“Why, it is right there in the title of my sensational memoir! A Scoundrel and a Rogue! She should not have been surprised at my behavior.

“But to toss Monsieur Depardieu under Antoine Bouvier’s downy soft comforter is a crime against all who cherish the roguish ways!

“OK! So it is true that on one occasion I may have softly caressed this Depardieu’s buttery soft buttock. My dear friends! It was several wines into the party and I merely reached for the mouth watering stuffed mushroom and could not help that Depardieu was practically reclining on the silvery platter! As is his habit, for he is an unquenchable drunkard and rogue and as such, requires the support of any and all around him, including the furniture!

“As I was saying, I reach for the mushroom and notice that I have instead cupped the derriere of the much filmed Gerard Depardieu! Had he but acknowledged this intrusion, I would have, of course, torn myself away and offered many apologies. But instead, this much lauded of all louts Depardieu invites himself to my apartments for the nightcap.

“And, well, I must have to say, he did fall asleep in his search for the toilet and that it happened to be in my bed that the famed Depardieu fell asleep was not an intention of mine! And I would much like to add that I did not suggest he do such a thing, as has been reported in the lying tabloids!

So what was I, Antoine Bouvier, rogue, scoundrel and damn fine fellow, to do? Not sleep in my own bed? It is a very large bed, to be sure. And I have little use for most of it. Why, I hardly knew he was there! Not until he started making with the moans and kissy noises.

“OK. You see it is, of course, most common for two lusty gentlemen such as ourselves, to awake with, how do you say, the inflated penis! Also, in my defense, I mistook his soft, large derriere for one of my fine feathery pillows. And, as it is my want to spoon with my very fine feathery pillows when I am not in the company of the ladies, it was easy to see how I could make such a mistake. It was the wine I tell you!

"Did I do as they say in the dreaded tabloids? With Depardieu? Absurd! Outrageous!

“Yes, it is true he has tried on many occasions to get into my apartments. The phone calls were quite endless, I tell you! But to mistake Depardieu as a lover of the roguish Antoine Bouvier! It is a slap in the face to all who know the tasteful Antoine Bouvier!

"OK. They say the picture of the two gentleman with the inflated penis and the Cheshire smile was telling the world much. But it was by no means on purpose! After four bottles of wine this character Depardieu resembled the tantalizing Jean Seberg of the Breathless movie. Yes, I know that she is dead. But ergo the extraordinary talents of Gerard Depardieu! He brought this exquisite temptress back to life after many years of being departed and made the fool of Antoine Bovier!

“Though it is Antoine Bouvier who will have the last laugh when my tales are published and the American readers are licking the feet of Antoine Bouvier!

“For my name is Antoine Bouvier! A rogue! A scoundrel! A damn fine fellow!

After the plane landed at JFK airport in New York, Antoine Bouvier was cuffed by the air marshal and taken off the plane for molesting the buttocks of Zach Galifianakis - who had been vacationing in Paris.

“But your fine American actor, no doubt, and you must have noticed, somewhat resembles your luscious and fine American actress Renee Zellweger!” Mr. Bouvier explained to the authorities. “It was a fine performance and I was but taken in by his brilliance! Perhaps he was emulating the foxy Zellweger in the hopes of capturing the body-double role in the foxy lady’s upcoming Brigette Jones’s Diary III movie?

I am told that there is no role that this Galifianakis will refuse!

And it was such a fine performance that I could not help but to be infatuated at the site of his lovely buttocks. As to touching his buttocks? It is simple to explain this away. You see, I was merely looking out for the gentleman’s safety. As the rotund Mr. Galifianakis made his way to the lavatory, there was a sudden dipping of the aircraft and I rushed into action to save the funnyman from a fate worse than his Hangover Part II movie! The one to be arrested is the one who chose the infight movie! Not Antoine Bouvier!

“And where is my reward? It is nowhere to be found!”

Mr. Galifianakis decided not to press charges and Antoine Bouvier hailed a taxi.

“Slater Publishing! 215 Thompson St. Greenwhich Village! And make it somewhat snappy my fine fellow! For I am Antoine Bouvier! A rogue! A scoudrel. And - like yourself - a damn fine fellow!”