Renaldo Goes Nuts

“Well, look what the cat drug in,” said Frederick.

It was a statement so cringe-worthy that Renaldo placed a wing over his breast and shuddered.

“Don’t say things like that. It gives me the frights.”

“So, where ya been?”

“I went for a walk up Third Avenue last night.”

“A walk? You mean you went scrounging for crumbs like the rest of us.”

“Nah. I wasn’t even hungry. Even after eyeballing a juicy piece of pepperoni that slid off this one guy’s pizza. Nuh, uh. Passed it right up. I mean I wanted to get down there with the throng and get a new angle on things. A different perspective. A broader outlook. A change of scenery. Take a road less traveled, at least by us pigeons.”

“I think you’ve been spending too much time at that library, getting high-faulting notions about the world, when we all know it’s just one big pee pot. That’s why we spend most of our time in the air. Up here we can breathe. Down there? Toilet city.”

”Au contraire, mon ami. When I say I went for a walk I don’t mean prancing around a pile of stale bread crumbs like you losers. I mean I walked two whole city blocks and got a ride in a big yellow taxi with two old ladies in the back seat. But first I must tell your about the tavern.”

“You went to a tavern?”

“I had no say in the matter. I was swept along with a couple of lushy looking mugs who seemed hell-bent on quenching a thirst, and there I was, ankle deep in saw dust and peanut shells. Then I see those same two mugs standing at the end of the bar hovered over a big wooden bowl, making yum yum noises. So, when those two fellas finally had their fill and moved on to a couple of skirts hanging out at the juke box, I made my way to the top of a clock hanging on the wall to have a gander, and I screamed Holy mother of all that is delicious! when I laid my eyes upon this humungous bowl of glorious golden popcorn! And you know how much I like popcorn, Frederick. Suddenly I’m hungry. So, as I’m about to descend on this sweet bowl of happiness, this clock I’m standing on goes out of its mind, chiming like its hair was on fire. And it didn’t end there! No! It opens its doors and out pops this lunatic of a bird who couldn’t seem to make up his mind whether he was coming or going. And he does this six times! By then I was so frustrated with this nitwit that I whack him off his perch with one of my wings. That’s when all hell breaks loose, Frederick. You know the story. Out comes the broom, and you circle the room a few times to wear out the one doing the chasing. Then, after you finally get him to body-slam into a table topped with fully loaded beer mugs, you have yourself a little chuckle and head on out the door. Routine stuff.”

“Well done, Renaldo. Then what?”

“Then I get a taxi.”

“You got a taxi?”

“I got a taxi. When I left the tavern it was sitting out there with its back window wide open. So in I went. It was one of them big yellow taxis with plenty of leg room in the back. Boy, the mess these filthy animals leave behind when they get out of one of these things. It was so disgusting that I decided to get out and continue my trek up the avenue. But by then the taxi takes off, and it no sooner leaves the curb when it comes to sudden stop and the driver yells, You’re lucky you’re a couple of ol’ ladies, or I’d come out there and Joe Louis your butts all over town! Now get out of my way! I got the light, not you! Then I hear a cop say, Hey, you can’t talk to old ladies like that! I oughta haul you in for aggregated assault with your mouth! But instead you’re gonna haul these sweet old ladies to wherever it is they're going. And it’s gonna be free of charge. Get me?

“At that the driver didn’t say nothing. He just got all red and sheepish. And the old ladies climbed into the taxi and settled in. Where ya goin’? says the driver. The Polo grounds, says one of the old ladies. The Giants are playing the Dodgers. Polo Grounds! says the driver. That’s all the way uptown! This is cutting into my supper time! I ain’t got time for this! That’s when the officer taps the windshield with his nightstick. At which point the driver slinks down in the drivers seat and heads uptown.

“This all turned out to be a lucky break for me because each of these old ducks is carrying a bag of hot roasted peanuts! Peanuts, Frederick! Peanuts! My wanderlust had now taking a backseat to my desire to dive head first into a bag of hot salty nuts!

“I kept my cool as I sat there looking up at these two old buzzards. Then one of the old birds eyeballs me. She spots me and doesn’t go carrying on like most people do when they come across one of us infringing on their precious territory. No. She leans over, tips the bag a bit, and lets some of those precious nuggets drop to the taxi floor. And, boy, did I take quick advantage of that twist of fate. I couldn’t eat ‘em fast enough, Frederick. They were warm on the tongue and easy on the beak when it came to the crunching. I got so full and content that I fell asleep and soon found myself waking up at the Polo Grounds. So I got out of the taxi and stayed for the game, sharing a bench with the sweet old ladies in the bleachers. We all munched on peanuts and watched the Giants win two to nothing. Best day of my life so far. It’s nice to get out of your cozy environment once in a while, Frederick. Does a bird good.”

Photo courtesy of Wiki Commons:

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Feral_pigeon_-Empire_State_Build...