Away From The Numbers - JUly 17 2002

6.45am. I have been awake since 6.15 and have fed the cats. I had
some strange dreams last night, which I would tell ... but I sent them
four emails last night. So I will tell them here instead. In one dream
I had been found printing 500 pages of some comic strip at work, and as
a result I had been sacked. The bizarre thing was that my boss then
went to the cashtill and gave me three grand as he was sorry to see me
go. In another dream I was trying to help someone. I had actually
wanted to dream of ... so I could talk to them, but I didnt.

Yesterday (16) was my wife's birthday. I gave them a card and some
money and a Kylie CD, which they liked as it had so many songs on it. I
got the train to work, thinking as usual apart from a few minutes when
I read Guns Of Avalon. I got into work on time and spent the morning
sorting out the new remote access software on the office laptops, which
took all day. I rang ... about 1.05pm and had a long chat about things.
I talked about dreams again, and then told them that if I was single I
would ask them out. The noise from the bus interrupted us as we spoke
today, like we do. I care for ... and they care for me so I suppose its
all right but I dont want to lose them. I am so worried that I might
have. I went over the conversation in my mind later and even now I am
not sure if I have put my foot in it.

Then I went to Starbucks where I bought my usual Croque M'Sieur and
Latte. These cost me ?6.20. I ate them in the office and looked at the
board for a bit, then posted a poem which tried to describe lunchtime
in a few lines.

In the afternoon I did some more laptops and then got the train home. I
didnt have to feed my mum and dad's cat this evening as they were
back.

We had tea and my wife went to Yoga. I had a bath. Then I went online
for a bit. When they got back I went to the chinese and bought some
food randomly, not really caring what I had bought, as my mind was
elsewhere again. We watched Big Brother and saw that Alex and Tim are
up for eviction on Friday. Tim will go I think. Kate was not nominated
at all.

I went online again and sent a few emails. I had messaged ... but there
was no reply and I suppose the phone was off.

I listened to some favourite songs and got a bit upset, then I went to
bed, hoping that things would sort themselves out in the morning.

You see here's the thing. If you feel something, or think something do
you say anything, or do you bottle it up inside, scared that if you do
say whatever it is you are bottling up it will change things, like
letting the genie out of the bottle? Or do you hope that by saying this
thing you have judged the situation correctly and although it is maybe
a nice thing to say, it should not overly change matters, or has
it?

Anyway, I listed out ten songs that reminded me of ... and sent them,
and right now I am listening to the Who "I Can See For Miles". Another
good album "Who Sell Out".

I was talking to ... on the phone and I could see my reflection in the
window of an office and I said wouldnt it be great if this phone could
do pictures and then you could see what I am seeing as I wander round
the churchyard out the back sitting, standing and leaning against the
walls of the buildings that enclosed it. I have taken to ringing them
from different places about where I work. Maybe if I concentrate really
hard I can imagine them sitting opposite me at the table. And I can see
them and they can see me. But I cant reach them because they are far
away. I am trying to hold their hand but they are not there, and I am
thinking so hard of the right words to say but the words spill out
wrong. The words are already out there. And much later I am standing up
on the train going home trying to message ... about how the grass grows
and how you dont notice till it has grown so long.

But they are still my friend. I hope I am still their's too.

I have run out of cigarettes almost again. I forgot to get some more
last night. It reminds, in the BB house, Jonny is smoking more than 20
a day (thats nothing, I am now clearing 40 a day and it worries me) and
his requirements would have taken half the shopping budget.

I am hoping the tickets for Reading arrive today, they should do, but I
havent heard anything. I have just emailed them to find out.