Nigella Lawson's Lamb Tagine

Lamb. Obviously. I can’t remember how much – just however much you think you’ll need. I do understand how that might be irritatingly vague for some people but that’s how it is. You can always look it up on the net or something if it’s such a big deal to you.

Don’t think about the card, get this done first. “The Internet is down, but I just wanted to say thanks for knowing me”. Bastard.

Olives – a tin of black ones, Capers, caramelised onions - half a jar. Life’s too short to caramelise your own onions. Chickpeas. I’m not sure if she has that in her recipe, but I do. Ground cumin, and ground ginger – a couple of teaspoons perhaps. Garlic. Harissa paste – loads. And make sure you have some to put on the table too. And a bottle of red wine

How could he do that? How? To send us this..thing … I don’t even know what it is. I know what I think it might be. Concentrate on supper – they still have to eat; whatever, they still have to eat.

Cut the lamb into pieces if you didn’t buy it already cut up (more fool you) – throw it into a big Le Creuset type pot – one you can use on a hob and in the oven. Throw everything else in, pour the wine on top, mix it all up, put in on the hob until it bubbles, then put the lid on, and put it in the oven at – I don’t know – 180 maybe? Less? – for three hours, or two and a half . Quite a long time.

We are so fucked if this is true – if he’s disappeared, or if he’s…. I don't give a shit about him. Not after what he did, and not if he's done this too. Perhaps I can flog the house quicker. We have enough to get by for the moment, I suppose. No point panicking – nothing I can do right now.

When it’s nearly ready, make some couscous – or better still get someone else to do it. An opportunity for my youngest son to brush up on his cooking skills before he goes to university. Oh god university – how am I going to pay for that now?

I feel sick, and I’m scared and I don’t know what to do

Don’t stay in the kitchen while it’s cooking. There’s no need, and it will get very hot. Go and have a swim..jump in the water – it’s not going to help, but nothing will at half past four on a Sunday afternoon.

Later, go back in, pretend to them that everything is normal, do some ironing, put sheets on the beds, feed the animals, and then supper will be ready. Don’t forget the harissa paste on the table! The rose kind is the nicest. Make an excuse about not being very hungry, and sit and chat with them, make some jokes, chivvy them along. This is my problem, not theirs. As soon as it’s late enough, disappear upstairs, then maybe it'll be possible to think of something.

There must be something.