A musing.

Love, it's a funny thing. It can turn a single man into a pile of shivering, sobbing, quaking flesh. It can turn a beating heart into a still rhythm at the bottom of a cliff, broken and unaware of anything but the blackness. It maddens. It saddens. It takes the joy from the smile that can never touch your eyes because it has leeched your body dry of any sense of laughter. Laughter? What is this thing that you speak of? The same questions. The same lifelong ability to lie to the face of someone you love, someone you could've loved if they hadn't taken your heart and put it through the grinder. Maybe they shared out the mince amongst others, but they forgot about you so now you're left with nothing. All loss and no profit. It's a man eat woman world, a woman eat man universe. These things seem to swill amongst the minds of like minded people.

It doesn't make sense. GCSE's. They ruined everything. You wanted more time? I would've dissapeared for you, I would've taken the last of my possessions and trekked across the earth for you. If space is what you needed then I would've taken the universe into my palms and handed it to you on a silver platter. But wait; the universe is too much too soon? A text message that reads "You're offering the world to me". I was not offering the world, I was offering myself. My heart. MY world, no other world, just mine. But still it was too much. Then my love I would've taken the world away from you. I would've closed down my stall, stopped flaunting my wears and loud mouthed bartering. I would've stopped offering the world to you darling, because I had not the world to give. Only myself.

And now you stand before me. No change has etched a mark onto your face. Since September 19th 2009 you have not suffered a single scratch, a single bite; but your acne still remains a feature. I never noticed it because your face was always beautiful to me. I swear to you that you could've waltzed into school with buboes littering your skin and I still would've sighed and thought "He's mine. That amazing creature is mine". My ticker is still ticking over, but at a different pace to yours. We used to beat in time, you and me. Didn't we? Each thud of your heart against my ear lobe was a gush of fresh blood to my senses. You kept me alive. And now my second hand is slower, and the little one still rests on the hour at which I left your house that day. The shadows fell at my feet and the light ran away and huddled about you like a velvet cloth, or frightened children.

I still love you. Of course I do. But what's worse is that I now have a new world being thrust at me, pushed under my nose with gentle encouragement by a boy who could not be kinder. His world is incredible, full of delightful laughter and a sense of belonging. Safety. But my solar sytem is full. Full of memories of you, standing on the stairs, running my finger through your tight curly hair, stroking your arm so lightly in the dark as you rest your head on my back. It's been nine months now and the foetus that is your love has grown within me, mutating and expanding. My stomach is swollen, my heart in constricted.

Love, it's a peculiar thing.