N: Larquita's Catering Service

Larquita's Catering Service

It was Sunday, and every Sunday the Peckwood family had fried chicken
for dinner. In Texas, fried chicken was as common as potent sperm from
a for-rent bull. There must have been fifteen of them at the table.
Peckwoods, not bulls.
"Momma! Pass that 'ole gravy boat down hear, huh"" shouted
Larquita.
"What'd you say, Lark?" Momma shouted over the loud family.
"Gravy boat!"
"What goat?" Momma asked.
"God hep us. The GRAVY BOAT, MOMMA!" Larquita shouted.
"Ok, ok, I heard yew."
"This is the best chicken I ever had, Lark. These th' ones you keep out
back?" asked Vern. Vern was Larquita's first cousin.
"No way. Them scrawny hussies! Cain't fill 'em out even if I fed 'em
lard from a can. Bought this 'un down at Piggly-Wiggly. Growed in
Arkansas, so's they must be good, that's where our Presidents from,
y'know. Eat some more, Vern."

It was difficult to talk over the fifteen-way conversation going on.
The hum from the dinning room was louder than Pentecosts on Sunday
morning.
"Girl, you the best cook in the county, you oughtta have you own
rest'rahnt! I know yew got some money hidden under th'house somewhere!"
said Bernice. Bernice was a cousin, or something like that.
"Bernice! If I had yo' money, I'd burn mine!!"
"Larquita, I'm serious now, girl. Why don't yew cook for a livin',
child?"
"Momma, you list'nin to this? Bernice says I should be cookin'
f'money!"
"Well, thank your, dahlin'!" Momma said.
"Thank yew for what, Momma?"
"Didn't you just say..."
"Good God Almighty! Never mind. Never mind, Momma."

After the guests left, Larquita and her Momma had about three hundred
pounds of dishes, silverware, and stuff to pick up. They'd done it so
many times before it was automatic while they talked.
"Momma, I been outta high school for almost fourteen years. I think its
high time to do somethin' with my life, don't yew think?"
"Now honey, I kin tell when you thinkin' 'bout somethin'. Why don't yew
just tell me what's on your mind?"
"I'm always bein' bragged on when people eat my cookin'. Maybe I should
get a job cookin' somewheres. I just cain't picture where. Does it
sound stupid or somethin'?" asked Larquita
"No, dahlin', It don't. Lark, I had a lady I worked for back years ago
that had a big, fine house, and a big-ass car, and fine clothes, and
the like. You know whut she did for a livin'? She had a catrin'
company. You know, where you put stuff on little pieces of bread and
take it to parties other people throwin'. And, dang it, you get paid
for it!"
**
Larquita spent a couple of hours at the library the following day. She
looked at what information she could find about catering companies, but
there were darn few picture books on the subject. So she did what all
good researchers should do, she looked under the yellow pages heading
of "Catering". She called the first one listed.
"Hello, Feline Catering Company, may I hep' you?"
"What a cute name for a comp'ny! My name is Larquita Peckwood, and I'm
gonna start a catrin' company. I wondered if I could jus' ask you a
coupla' questions to hep' me get outta the chute?" ask Larquita.
"Why, sure, honey, my name is Quertha Roberts, no kin to Oral-that's
jus' a joke honey--what d'ya want to know?"
"Well, I'm pretty excited! And I jus' don't know what to ask. Food, and
stuff like that. Listen, Quertha, whaddayew think 'bout me comin' by
and talkin' with yew?"
"Sure. When ya comin'?"
"Oh, Quertha, I'm so bad! I'm jus' across the street from yew on the
pay phone, girl. I'm so excited I just had to see what your store
looked like!"
"Why, Larquita, youra' real go-getter! Come on over." Quertha said
laughing.

Larquita was a large woman. She stood about six feet tall, and weight
about 300 lbs. Quertha could have hidden in Larquita's fat folds. She
stood about five feet two inches, and weighed about 95 lbs.
Larquita's shadow fell across the open door frame before her body
appeared. Quertha looked up with her mouth agape.
Holey cow!
"You hafta be Quertha! I'm Larquita. Dahlin', thanks for lettin' me
come by. Your office is so cute 'n all."
Larquita's food sensitive eyes saw the laminated food samples behind
Quertha and her stomach rumbled so loud Quertha thought a truck had
passed.
"I always been told I was a good cook, so I cook ev'ry chance I can.
That's why I'm talkin' to yew! To learn how to cater 'n all. Girl, I
don't even know where to start." She seemed confused.
"Well, you came to the right place, child (idiot child!), the right
place. First, you gotta know who you're cookin' for. They call that
your 'markit'. That means they the ones you sellin' to, you know. Then
you gotta have the right 'or derves' for yer market, that's French for,
ah&;#8230; something. I call my little meat dish "pate", them rich
people like that word."

For the next hour and a half, Quertha showed Larquita the food she used
for her catering, but hiding the label as well as she could.
"You kin buy these cans of 'pate' from me if ya want, I'll sellim' to
you way less than the store.
How the hell would you know anyway.
Larquita was real pleased that the shopping aspect was
eliminated.
By the time Larquita left, her stomach growled, and with each step she
passed a little gas.
Step, poot, step, poot. Step, BLAM!
Quertha could not believe it. It made the windows rattle.
When Larquita got out of sight, Quertha ran to the back windows, opened
them wide and turned the fans on high. All of them.

Larquita was pleased that the bus she had to take home was empty. This
allowed her to let her farts go, and consider her future as a caterer.
By the time she reached her stop, she had made the decision. A caterer
she would be.
As she stepped off, she was confused why the bus driver kept opening
and closing, opening and closing, the bus door. Must be some kinda
idiot.
"Momma! Hey, momma! Where are you!"
"Lark! Is that you? I'm on the porch; bring me some tea, will ya?
"Ok. Let me put these books down first and I'll be right out."
"Out.! Honey, we cain't be outta tea I just bot some yesterday!"
"What!"
"I said.."
"Momma, Jesus! I'll bring your tea out in just a minute!" Larquita said
louder.

Larquita told her mother about the visit to the Feline Catering
Company, and how nice Quertha had been to answer so many questions
about starting a catering company, and her offer to sell her the little
cans of 'pate' at a good price. She showed her momma the can of
'pate'.
"Nice lookin', hey momma?"
"Seems so. What's the name here&;#8230;something 'Friskies'. I
cain't read much without my spectacles, you know. How you gonna get
yourself a catrin' job, girl?"
"I'm writin' up notes and posting it at the post office, the Church a'
them Babtists, they always having food parties, and with them funny
actin' Mormuns-they say they got so much food in their basement you
could feed all the Babtists in the United States!"
"Wow. Lark, you becomin' quite a bidness woman. You a COE now. That's
the head jackass in charge of them big compneys."
"Hey, I ain't no jackass!"
"I wasn't sassing you! What I said was&;#8230;"
"Jesus, momma! Never mind, I get it now."

Several days went by, and finally the Baptists called. Momma answered
the phone call.
"Is this Larquita's Catering Service?"
"NO! This is Larquita's Catering Service. Kin' I hep you?"
Pause.
"Hello?"
"Yes, ma'am. I am pricing hors d'urves for a party of about 60 this
Saturday at the Baptist Church. We saw your sign and thought how nice
it would be for our Christian Ladies Group to have some snacks for this
upcoming conference. Can you tell me a little about what you charge,
and what you have to offer?"
Oh, shit.
"Well, I'm the mother of the COE, and I think I heard her says that her
specialty was 'pate'. Would you all like that?"
"Oh, yes. I think a good pate would be perfect. Are they good? And
what's the price?"
"Oh, they real good. The price&;#8230;well, is, ah&;#8230;two
dollars a purson. That work for you?"
"That's a great price. Can we book this?"
Book it?
"Yessum" Momma proceeded to take down the information the Baptist woman
gave her.

"Feline Catering Service" Quertha answered the phone.
"Quertha! It's me, Larquita!. Got my first catrin' job, girl. Its them
Babtist women. Kin I buy them cans of 'pate' from you?"
Oh, my God!
"Why, sure. How many you gonna need? Feeling slightly guilty.
"Lets say 60 cans?"
"When you wont 'em?"
"How 'bout Friday? The party is Saturday."
"Ok. I'll have crackers for you, as well. You need them to put the
'pate' on." Starting to giggle now.

Quertha had shopped at every grocery store and pet store in town to
find the exact same flavor of the little cans of Friskies Cat Food,
Tuna Flavor--they packed down best. When she got them to the office,
she peeled the labels off, and put them in a cardboard box, not feeling
any quilt at all now.
On Friday afternoon, Larquita picked up the box of 'pate', and a box of
crackers. She thanked Quertha profusely, and concluded that her
giggling was out of happiness for Larquita's first catering job.

Lark's momma had been to the Piggly-Wiggly and had purchased several
quantities of those cheap, fake, silver looking platters to serve the
'pate' on. Larquita thought they were beautiful, and that they looked
very 'richy'.

At 10:00 AM on Saturday, Larquita and momma met Mrs. Hupy in the dining
hall of the Baptist Church.
"Missus Hupy, thank you so much for letting us cater your get-together.
Can you show me where to put the pate?"
"Thanks, Larquita, and you, too, Mrs. Peckwood. Here, lets put them on
the little tables between the chairs for the women."
Lark and momma had already opened the cans, so now they opened the
crackers, put them on the serving dishes, and put the 'pate' on each
one. Momma gave each one a little 'squeeze' to make sure they didn't
fall apart when they were picked up, then wiped her fingers on her
pants.
In the meantime, the women had started taking their seats. Coffee was
served and they started eating the 'pate'. Most who did engaged their
gag reflex, and carefully spit the 'pate' into a handkerchief, or a
Kleenex. Some choked, some made sounds of retching. Through all this,
one or two women could be heard saying how much they liked it. Very
unusual, they said.
Oh, yes, indeed it was unusual.

Larquita and momma were at the door to the big room.
"Well, they sure like this 'pate'! We're a big success"
"What big ass?"
"God, momma, I said we&;#8230;forget it. Lets go home."
"Lets go home, Lark. It looks like our work here is done."
They turned around to leave. Larquita's stomach was grumbling loudly.
And as they walked down the church hall to the exit you could
hear:
Step, poot, step, poot, step poot, until the big wooden doors return
the hall to silence.