P: 1/30/03

Work Diary, 1/30/03

Today after lunch I begin my employee evaluations. I'd like to think
I'm cut out for this, that I can juggle the numbers and behaviors and
rate my employees fairly and accurately. But when it comes right down
to it, I'm scared to death.

Since last July, when I took this position, I've found myself saying
the most ridiculous things: "These responsibilities are well within
your job description's parameters, and you will be expected to fulfill
them"; "Ownership of your work is essential to customer service"; or,
my favorite, "Please do not include references to the Pope in the
database notes. This is your first and final warning."

Really, who the hell am I to tell anybody to do anything? I'm hardly a
rebel, but I do believe hierarchical thinking sets a nasty tone in
corporate life. And, since hierarchical thinking is what it's all about
in corporate life, it's pretty much all nasty. A corporate Catch-22, so
to speak.

I'm having a fight-or-flight response to these evaluations. My fingers
hover over the keyboard, ready to enter?what? An employee's average
payments? His willingness to work in a team? His total amount of
consumer complaints for the year? It's all just numbers, hardly
reflective of a person's true abilities or personality or self. Perhaps
that's why I can't bring myself to start the evaluations: Distilling an
employee down to a percentage goes against everything I learned as a
liberal arts student. Did I spend four years in college, lonely and
poor, just to lord it over employee units?

For an upcoming supervisor class, I've been forced to read two books:
"Gung Ho" and "Who Moved My Cheese?" (or, as I renamed them: "Skank Ho"
and "Who Cut the Cheese?"). The books are about accepting change,
making work worthwhile, and encouraging employees. In fact, they're
just chock full of life affirming messages - for people, that is, who
live and breathe spreadsheets. The books are prime examples of
capitalism run amok, in that capitalism itself is a source for
self-worth and valuing other people. Money is no longer the root of all
evil. Instead, it's a societal pillar, set firmly in the salt of the
earth - and for what? So that shareholders can congratulate each other
on their savvy stock purchases? So that one more CEO can buy a
McMansion in a nice part of town and supply SUVs to all of her
children? So that artists, musicians, and writers can continue living
in cold water flats, eating ten-cent packages of noodles, while doing
what really matters?

To their credit, the books did teach me one thing. I can't remember
which one it was, but I learned to ask myself the question: "If you
weren't afraid, what would you do?" A handy question, I think, for a
timid hypocrite like me.

Right now, if I weren't afraid, I'd start my employee evaluations. I
have no choice, anyway; they must be completed. I'll do a good job, as
always. The evaluations will shine with facts. They'll burst with
numbers. My signature on each will be a proud scrawl of
accomplishment.

Ah, how seductive the status quo. How simple to be sucked in.