S 7/18/02

Work Diary, 7/18/02

This weekend I'm going camping at a place called "Jumbo Reservoir."
Quite possibly it's where old elephants go to die, but more likely
it'll be full of roaring jet skis and retired blue-collar types
pounding down watery American beer. My plan is to dust off about 275
pages of somewhat teen angst-y memoirs and try to come up with the
outline of a novel. As I'm only thirty-three, it's not my goal to turn
my limited experiences into a book (I'm not that narcissistic); rather,
I want to use "what I know" and put it all into some sort of cohesive,
longer story.

Alas, I don't expect much success. I'm feeling a little bitter about
writing right now. It seems the only time I have to write is the only
time I shouldn't be writing - namely, at work. I won't fool myself and
say, "Gee, if I could only win the lottery and have all of that extra
time to write, then I'd get published." Once aspiring writers start
down that road, it's easy to rationalize: "If only I had a laptop"; "If
only something interesting had happened to me during my formative
years"; "If I only had a brain."

No, I think I'm bitter because, quite often, I wake up at 2:00 in the
morning and it seems the ideas for my novel just flow. I know my
characters, the settings, the voice. My early-morning think tank
sessions haven't resulted in a theme yet, but I'm sure it'll come. And
what I want to know is this: Why can't these epiphanies occur at 5:00
p.m. on a weekday? What's the old brain up to so early in the morning?
Why am I so lazy that I don't simply sit down at the computer when I
wake up at 2:00 a.m. and get to work?

I've never truly suffered from writer's block. This may be because I
don't consider myself a true writer, and subsequently I don't have the
bizarre, psycho-babbly fears that attack all professions. But I'd like
to be considered an author, which begs the question: What makes a true
writer? Is it getting paid, or is desire enough? How about both?

So many questions, and - quite frankly - too much time not put to good
use. Perhaps I'm just destined to be that guy who knows what verbals
are and who's always good to edit a letter or two.