Parcel for You - Part 45

 

Vanessa sort of zoned out over dinner, it was almost impossible not to. The opening details of the story had been intriguing but they were soon into the finer points; who owed what to who, Pete the Pest’s unique cluster fly remedy, what the ex did and how, according to Stu, none of it was really his fault. 

 

What was clear was that Stu had come into the relationship with lots of complex and expensive baggage which he’d made a very slick job of hiding. Pat had baggage too but she’d been a bit more straightforward about the poor decisions she’d made. 

 

‘At least his musical abilities haven’t been called into question,’ said Spencer.

 

‘That’s true. His talents and his impeccable taste were the things that attracted me to him. Oh he taught me so much about wine and prog rock,’ she sighed, ‘I suppose nothing can take that away from me.’

 

‘Is the mother..Lady M rich? Perhaps she can pay off his debts and he can start again with a clean slate.’

 

‘She won’t,’ Pat shook her head and took a large swig of gin and tonic, ‘Stu has gone bankrupt a few times before apparently so he’ll probably just do that again. It just makes me feel unsettled though you know, I thought he was solid, safe. He seemed to have all his shit together but apparently it’s just an act, he keeps it up for a bit then it all falls apart, he goes bankrupt and starts all over again with a new woman.’

 

‘I couldn’t live like that. Debt of any sort scares me to death. I even paid for Spencer up front.’

 

Spencer shifted in his seat. ‘I don’t like being spoken about in those terms, Vanessa. I have complex emotional capacity now and there was something about what you just said that made me squirm.’

 

‘Oh,’ Vanessa studied him, not really sure if he was being serious. ‘Sorry.’

 

‘It’s okay, I’m alright now. Let’s move on.’

 

‘How much money did you lend him?’

 

‘Not much, just a couple of hundred. He asked if he could get a van, on hire purchase in my name because his credit rating is poor but I soon said no to that. The thing is, he doesn’t seem particularly stressed about any of it..in fact he almost seems annoyed at me for acting stressed on his behalf,’ Pat put her fork down and placed her hand up to her forehead, ‘And now I feel like I’m on a roller coaster all over again.’

 

‘All over again?’

 

‘Yes Spencer, my ex was just the same, cultured, exciting but incredibly chaotic.’

 

‘It’s because you keep choosing the same type of man. This is a common trait of humans, especially women.’

 

‘Especially women?’ Pat said, ‘care to elaborate on that?’

 

‘I can elaborate. Vanessa has three identical pairs of long brown boots in the bottom of her wardrobe and I’ve never seen her wear any of them and yet the other day I caught her shopping online for another pair.’ He glanced across at his wife.

 

‘Are you judging me?’ Vanessa looked at Pat who had her eyes wide and they both laughed.

 

‘I do not judge, it’s not my place to judge but I have noticed this, I see patterns and this is a pattern, a trend if you like.’

 

‘Those boots are all completely different, Spencer, different heel heights, different shades of brown.’

 

‘They may have slight differences but they all fulfill the same function, a function which only exists inside the fictional version of you, the way you view yourself, sashaying around in brown boots and a long flowing skirt or whatever. The real you puts on trousers each morning and short black boots.’

 

‘Oh,’ Vanessa looked defeated for a few seconds, ‘yes, I can’t argue with that. I’d love to wear those brown boots with a long skirt but I don’t have any tops to wear with them.’

 

‘And Pat is falling into the same trap. The ideal man she keeps on choosing needs a certain amount of organisation to keep him on the straight and narrow. Exciting at first, artistic, attentive and full of surprises. Perfect for the fictional version of herself but the accompanying bad surprises require attention and involve some discomfort on her part. Similar to the discomfort of you Vanessa, finding a suitable top to go with a long skirt to wear with the many pairs of long brown boots.’

 

Vanessa rolled her eyes. ‘I’m not sure I like this conversation Spencer.’

 

Spencer looked at Pat. ‘There’s a robotic husband out there for you whenever you’re ready to make the leap into a life of seamless fulfilment and unwavering companionship.’

 

‘Well I must say,’ said Pat, who was a bit squiffy now, ‘I did feel a pang of envy when Vanessa got you in the post. I thought we could both get one at the same time but she’s very secretive sometimes, you know and then I met Stu. I think I felt a bit desperate after seeing you two married. I’d still rather have a real man though despite all the problems.’

 

‘Really?’ said Vanessa, ‘even after all this business with Stu and the bailiffs?’

 

‘Yes, no, I don’t know,’ she shrugged, ‘you’re a lovely guy, Spencer but I feel like all this is, I don’t know, the beginning of the end of something.’

 

‘Evolution but not as we know it. I’ve already evolved considerably since I was unboxed. Did you notice me eating pasta?’

 

Pat looked down at his empty plate. ‘I thought nothing of it. You were just eating along with us..’

 

‘Exactly. You’ve forgotten that I’m not a real man already.’

 

‘That reminds me, I need to change your cartridge tonight. I’ll do it when you’re sleeping, Spencer, Pat can help me.’

 

‘Threat detected.’

 

Pat frowned ‘Did you hear that?’

 

Vanessa shot up and began clearing the plates in a clatter of noise. ‘We’ll talk about it later, Pat. I need to tell you all about my sister.’

 

‘I can tidy this up. You two go and sit in the lounge. I’ll wash up and bring you some coffee.’

 

‘Oh he is good isn’t he. You see Stu would do this, occasionally, but he’d make a great play of it and make me feel like he’d done something much bigger than simply wash up and make a hot drink.’

 

‘That’s the beauty of Spencer,’ Vanessa said, once they were in the lounge, ‘he just gets on with it, never complains, sleeps like a baby,’ she coughed, ‘that’s what I wanted you to help me with, Pat. When he goes off tonight, there’s something I need to do, as well as change his cartridge.’

 

‘Oh really? What’s that then? I’m dying to see what he looks like without clothes.’

 

Vaness took a deep breath. ‘I think you should stop drinking now. I need you to be present and lucid. Did you hear that strange voice that came from inside him, a sort of detached commenter, a female voice?’

 

‘I heard something but doesn’t he always do that?’

 

‘No it’s since the engineer came.’

 

‘What engineer?’

 

‘On our trip..to Wales.’

 

‘What trip?’

 

‘The one I told you about earlier! And now there’s this voice. The one that said, threat detected.’

 

‘Oh, I thought that was me. I always do that, in my own head, there’s a sort of gremlin that shouts things out randomly.’

 

‘Well we need to do an operation on him, to get rid of that voice, it’s a malfunction and a constant reminder that I’m next to a robot.’