Silencing

I heard him say
Something about his last girlfriend.
It was the most natural thing in the world,
Like water flowing
And the Earth spinning so fast and being so huge
That we don’t even think about it.

I’ve pleaded with myself for so long, to let those words slip from my throat.
Instead I say
My….. friend…. Did that all the time
My…. Friend…. Liked that song
My…. Friend…. Said that to me.

It’s true.
She was a friend.
A great friend.
A best friend.

But she was my
Girlfriend.
I loved her,
She was my raindrop on a leaf reflecting so many colours after a storm.
She was my first kiss.
My first requited love,
The first girl for whom my heart beat for and whose heart beat for me
She was my first waltz.
She was not just a
Pal
Or a
Chum.

We danced
We held hands
We laughed and cried and kissed and hugged,
We went through a lot.

And now I can’t even say,
My ex girlfriend.
I cannot bring myself to acknowledge that to other people.
Not because I am ashamed of
What I am
Of who I am
Of her
Or of us
But because
I
Am afraid.