Scrap 69

SCRAP 69
This week’s Talent Show Grand Final is about to begin. The contestants are shaking nervously backstage, the audience taking their seats and the judges ready to take their bows. Frank takes Pete Parker to one side. ‘The winner gets a week’s holiday and takes part in the National Final, right?’ Pete confirms this is so, then listens as Frank adds some unexpected words.
The entertainments manager rubs his hands together as he passes by the gathering, muttering words of encouragement and smiling broadly his practised show of ‘genuine’ interest. The crowd applaud as he marches onto the stage to introduce the show, beginning with the judges: three from staff and one token camper. They take their bows and sit behind the judges table near the stage.
‘So please welcome our first act for this evening, the fabulous Tapping Twins.’ The girls clatter across the boards and go through their routine, exactly as they had in the first round and making exactly the same mistakes. Their faces redden as the routine nears its end, the effort clearly showing. The audience, led by the girls’ parents and younger brother, cheer and clap enthusiastically as they take their bows and head for the wings. The judges make a show of deliberating, note their scores and cover their cards.
‘Thank you the fabulous Tapping Twins,’ says the MC, ‘now we are in for a treat with the Mystical Magical Malcolm. On you come Malcolm, your audience awaits.’ The magician’s mother helps him onstage with his table and case of props, takes a bow and scurries off. Malcolm’s routine is about as mystical as rice pudding, with the usual sleight of hand card tricks, the production of reams of silk scarves from a magic wand and the piece de resistance: pulling a rabbit out of the hat. Trouble is, the rabbit has got stage fright and has done a bunk. The crowd roar with laughter as Malcolm’s mother hurries out with the animal hidden up her jumper and tries to pass it over unseen. Malcolm shoves the rabbit in the hat, waves his magic wand and reaches in to take the animal out. The rabbit scratches his hand and Malcolm jumps back in shock, sending the props flying and the rabbit shooting off out of sight.
The audience are in fits of laughter as poor Malcolm hurriedly helps his mother pick up his things. The MC rushes back onstage and thanks him for giving such a good show. Malcolm and his mother stumble off, hampered by silk streamers and collapsing props.
The camp organist has taken his seat next to the drummer, who helps the exit with a paradiddle and a flourish on the hi-hat cymbal. The audience calm down and the next act is invited onstage.
Sid Gosling the Man with the Musical Muscles nods to the musicians, and takes up his opening stance. The music is accompanied by various contortions and exaggerated movements from Sid, some of which draw cries of revulsion from the ladies in the audience and howls of laughter from the men. ‘You can’t do things like that,’ mutters Dawn, to her husband. ‘I wouldn’t bloody want to,’ he replies, ‘it’s not natural.’
The act culminates in a move which seems impossible and painful. The music finishes with a loud crescendo as Sid rearranges his musical muscles into a more recognisable form and the MC thanks him for making all the men feel inadequate and the women feeling faint.
‘A change of pace now,’ announces the MC, ‘as we welcome to the stage Gordon and Gilbert, the Dockers from the Isle of Dogs.
The crowd applaud as the next act takes their place centre stage. Gilbert is seated on Gordon’s knee and a slight groan can be heard as the audience realise this is a ventriloquist act. Gordon’s top lip is decorated with a very large moustache, which helps mask the fact that you can see every movement of his lips as his ‘pal’ holds him in conversation. He does have some funny lines, however, and receives a loud round of applause as he takes his bow, followed by guffaws of laughter as he forgets that Gilbert has not taken his bow and the doll’s head falls off and rolls towards the judges table. He grabs it and bows again as he takes his leave.
‘When’s Uncle Frank going to be on?’ asks Robbie, as bored as the rest of the children. ‘I don’t know,’ says Dawn, ‘you’ll just have to be patient and wait like the rest of us.’ They are all relieved when the MC announces that there will now be an interval of 20 minutes. He doesn’t have chance to say any more before the mass exodus for the bar and toilets.