The Age of Reason

A boy's guide to lying.

Little Jim sat on the hard smelly rug in Aunt Helen's living room. Grown-ups sat all around him, on the big sofa, on the small sofa, in the stuffed chairs in the corners of the room. His mother was there, talking. Aunt Jane, Uncle Hen and Aunt Lovey, cousin Margie, Aunt Helen and Little Helen. All talking. Big Jim wasn't there but Grandpop Wise was. Grandpop Wise was a grouch. Little Jim went with his eyes systematically around the room, looking first at who was talking, then trying to discover who was listening to that particular talker. In each case the only person not talking and therefore the only possible listener was Grandpop Wise but Little Jim had already seen him reach into his shirt pocket and turn off his hearing aid.

As Little Jim surveyed the room Little Helen watched, then suddenly pounced on him. Little Helen wasn't all that little. She was a teenager and a husky one at that. She pinned Little Jim to the floor and tickled his ribs, digging her fingers in, cackling. Little Jim squirmed and rocked from side to side trying to break free but there was no escape. So he rolled on the rug and laughed, even though the rug was dirty.

* * *

A powdered sugar doughnut and a glass of milk, cold milk, was one of Little Jim's favorite snacks. It was just a couple of years after the war and they were living at Grandma's house. Little Jim was at the kitchen table where in days of yore his Grandfather, father and uncles all sat gobbling their meals during the Great Depression. They weren't there now but it kind of felt like they were. He could just see Grandpa sitting at one end and Grandma at the other, with Uncle Pete, Uncle Bill and his dad, Big Jim, sitting in between and grabbing bowls and passing the salt and wolfing down their food. In those days people all were starving and that's why they ate like pigs. No one was picky then. Not like kids today, like Little Jim, who didn't like peas or lima beans. It would be fine by him if they sent all that stuff to the starving kids in China. Grandma was washing dishes at the sink with her back to Little Jim. His parents were in the dining room where no one ever ate. They were yelling, and that made Grandma look in that direction and smile like she knew a secret. Little Jim lifted his glass and the oilcloth tablecloth pulled at the skin on his arm.

* * *

It was morning in his room. Vague shadows lingered in the far corners of his room, in the nooks and crannies of his room. Sunshine streamed through the open window of his room and bathed his room with warm bright light. He felt the gaps between the floorboards on the bottoms of his feet. The world outside was green. His room once was Uncle Pete's who lived here when he was a kid during the Great Depression and he wore knickers. Little Jim's dad and Uncle Bill shared the bedroom down the hall that his parents lived in now. It was time to get dressed, but his mother wasn't here. His clothes were though, neatly folded on his chair. What if he dressed himself? Could he? He'd seen other kids button their shirts or sweaters out of line, or mistie their shoes, and the grown-ups laughed. He didn't like when the grown-ups laughed, but he ran through the whole procedure in his mind and decided he could do it. He made sure to start his shirt buttons at the bottom, using the bottom-most button in the bottom-most hole. He then skipped no buttons or holes on the way up. He traced his finger along his belt to make sure it was in all the loops, checked that his zipper was zipped and his shoes were on the proper feet. He was surprised to find he even knew how to tie his laces. Satisfied, he presented himself downstairs where several grown-ups were sitting around a table talking.

“What's this?” they cried. “All dressed?”

“Well well well.”

“Aren't you a big boy!”

Then, smiling at one another, they said, “Let's see how you did.”

After close inspection they looked at one another and said, “He got everything right.”

Then someone patted him on the head and they went back to their grown-up talk.

* * *

Little Jim stood on the top step of his brand new house. All the houses on this street had glass-enclosed porches. Only some of the houses on Grandma's street had that. Still, open porches were good for being forts or castles or ships. Didn't seem like a glass porch was much good for anything. The cold wind bounced a few crumpled bits of paper along the asphalt street. There was no one in sight and the shades of all the houses were drawn shut. Then he heard voices at the end of the street, kids' voices. He found them down by the alley, behind a hedge. One of them wore knickers. Little Jim thought maybe that boy was poor.

“Why are you wearing those?” he asked.

The boy snarled and came at Little Jim with a fierce look. He called Little Jim names. Then the others came at him too, laughing and shouting and making a racket. Little Jim didn't understand and backed off a few steps to figure it out but that started a full-blown chase. Unsure what to do, Little Jim lit out for home. He bounded up the steps of his brand new house and through the door. Inside the glass-enclosed porch he peered through the blinds at his new-found friends in the street as they made faces, stuck out their tongues and danced about. After a while they went away.

Well, it seemed that was the only game those kids knew. Every time Little Jim approached them they chased him home and carried on outside his glass-enclosed porch. Then one day with two of the usual boys in pursuit he ran up the steps and saw his mother through the glass door. She pushed the little button on the door-knob with her finger, locking Little Jim out.

“Go out and fight,” came her muffled voice. “You can’t run home to mommy all your life.”

This surprised Little Jim who hadn’t realized he was running home to mommy or that he would do it all his life. Seen in this light, his mother’s idea seemed the thing to do, so he jumped down onto the sidewalk just as the first chaser was arriving. Surprised, the boy stopped short and Little Jim uncorked a sweeping right hook that only missed because the boy fell backwards in his effort to stop. Seeing this, the second boy also hit the brakes, then the first boy jumped up and they both skedaddled.

* * *

Little Jim's parents' room gleamed in the morning light. The mighty bells of Most Blessed Sacrament tolled for the Masses. From this second floor vantage he could see out the big bay window the light green dome of the church stark against the bright blue sky. Thrilling to the warmth, he laid his cheek on his parents' sheets and breathed in the fresh clean smell.

* * *

Little Jim wasn't about to tell them his secret identity. When they asked what his name was, he said, “Roy Rogers”. They were Methodists, like his Mom, and that was okay but not if you were a Catholic like Little Jim and Big Jim. Catholics didn't have Sunday School. Finally they sent for Little Helen to ask her what Little Jim's real name was. They told her about Roy Rogers. Little Helen looked at Little Jim then back to the teacher. Then she smiled and said, “Roy Rogers”.

That afternoon Big Jim asked Little Jim what he'd learned that day. Little Jim told him the story of how Captain Moses led his cavalry troop out of captivity. They'd been captured by Big Chief Crazy Pharaoh, chief of the Egyptians who were about to scalp them but they broke out, hopped on their horses and took off. The Egyptians started chasing them, shooting arrows at them while the troopers fired their pistols back over their shoulders. When they reached the Red River they rode over a rickety bridge held up by ropes and Captain Moses was the last man across. The Egyptians were right behind him but he shot the ropes apart and the bridge crashed into the river along with the Egyptians.

Big Jim was smiling all during this tale and at the end he said, “Wow, that's quite a story, but I think maybe that's not exactly what they told you”.

Little Jim squirmed a bit but what was a kid to do? “Well,” he said. “If I told you what they told me you wouldn't believe it.”

* * *

His feet dangled over the edge of the wooden pew. This was his first trip to God's house. The grown-ups knelt on the red padded kneelers. Many slumped their rumps against the pew but his father knelt up straight. His mother didn't go to church because she was a Methodist but she was a good person so that meant she wouldn't have to go to Hell. Most of the grown-ups watched something up front, but he was too small to see anything except the ceiling that arched high above. It was covered with paintings of men and women and flying babies and angels all in robes and barefoot . He liked the Roman soldiers with their shields and spears, their red skirts and golden helmets. Archangels with great white wings flew here and there, blew trumpets, waved swords. God sat in the center on his heavenly throne that rested on puffy clouds. He was surrounded by all the saints, apostles and disciples, and on either side were Jesus and His Mother. A shining white pigeon hovered over God but that was okay since it was the Holy Ghost and He didn't poop. Everyone but the soldiers had little gold plates behind their heads. God was a huge old man who looked like Santa Claus. God had bare feet too. Little Jim wondered if He had to cut his toenails. Little Jim's mother cut his, which Little Jim didn't like. God didn't have a mother, but Mary was Jesus's mother so maybe she cut God's toenails. Big Jim read from a little black book while the lady next to him fingered her beads and muttered. Then they all stood up and God's voice boomed out and told a story about Jesus. When the story was over they all sat down and God started scolding everyone for not being good enough. Little Jim still couldn't see Him, but the grown-ups could. Most of them gazed toward the front of the church but many stared at their hands or the floor instead. Some peeked at others. All the while God was warning them what might happen, they blew their noses, coughed, and fidgeted. After a while God said the women's club would meet on Tuesday night at 8, and that Bingo would be held in the school auditorium at the usual times.

* * *

Two or three doors down from Aunt Helen lived the creepy Mr. Livingston who heeled warts. Little Jim's mom brought him to see Mr. Livingston because Little Jim had a wart on his forehead. It never bothered Little Jim but his mom was always going on about it. Mr. Livingston sat on his dirty old sofa while Little Jim stood In front of him. He took hold of one of Little Jim's hands and told Little Jim it wouldn't work unless Little Jim believed it would. Did Little Jim believe? Of course he didn't but he knew he was supposed to say yes, so he did. Then Mr. Livingston spat on his finger and rubbed it on the wart, going around it in a circle. Little Jim wondered what made Mr. Livingston think his spit was so special.

* * *

It was the first day of kindergarten and all the kids were crying. The school yard was full of mothers and teachers patting scared kids on the head and murmuring. Little Jim wondered why they were crying. The teachers seemed harmless enough. True, he had no idea what went on inside, but if it was all right with his mom it was all right with him. He looked up at her as she looked down at him.

“You can go home now,” he said. “I don’t need you anymore.”

Then she started crying too.

* * *

The song the old lady was playing on the piano was dumb and the milk was warm, not crisp like cold milk. It smelled icky. The other kids sat in a semi-circle behind the old bat while Jimmy sat across the room and stared out the window. He could look right up his street, could even see his house. Why wasn't he there now? Why wasn't he in his room, or in the basement playing with his dog Trixie? Why was he here, at S. Weir Mitchell Public School, listening to some old lady plinkplunk on an out-of-tune piano?

* * *

The day was crisp and clear but Jimmy wore a suit and tie. His father brought him there by the hand. Jimmy kicked stones along the way, till his dad told him not to scuff his shoes. Jimmy fingered the tiny sparkles in the gray granite wall while his father rang the bell. The door was opened by a short fat nun, but Jimmy wasn't surprised. He knew all about the sisters, how they marched their pupils to the corner with the traffic light in columns of twos or threes, clicking their wooden hand signals to say when the kids should stop or go or turn. The smaller kids broke and ran as soon as they were free, but the older ones filed into Mrs. McGuire's candy store to play pinball. The nun said Jimmy was too young for first grade since he was only five, and his father started to explain how that didn't matter. Jimmy looked at the sister's crucifix, at the slender man with the sharp knees that was nailed to it. A delicate breeze brushed the nun's black habit.

* * *

Why did they tease the nun like that? Didn't they know it would only make her angry? Didn't they know she'd make them sit still with their hands folded on their desks? Didn't they know she'd smack their knuckles with her ruler? Jimmy glared at the boy who was teasing her this time. What was he getting out of this? He didn't seem to be enjoying himself and yet he wouldn't just read the stupid book. He insisted on saying stuff that was wrong. And if Jimmy was stumped over the behavior of his classmates he was even more so over the nun's. Clearly, she had read this book herself many times, she knew every word, yet she insisted the boys read it to her. Why? What could she possibly be getting out of this? And what a book. These two kids, Dick and Jane and their dog Spot. Nothing ever happens. Spot runs and Dick and Jane watch.

* * *

They circled each other warily, fists held high while the two fathers stood by with their hands in their pockets chatting. Jacky didn't wear knickers anymore.

“You hit me first,” said Jimmy.

"No," said Jacky. "You first."

Jimmy glared at Jacky. Jacky glared at Jimmy.

They were outside Mrs. Abbott's house. She was the neighborhood crab, always yelling at kids for doing kid stuff. Her house was next door to Jimmy’s. She opened her front door.

“That’s disgraceful!” she called. “How can you let them do that?”

Jimmy's father laughed.

“Don’t worry Mrs. Abbott,” he said. “Neither one of them has yet to throw a punch.”

That got Jimmy's goat so much he almost took a poke at Jacky.

* * *

It was really very easy. Jimmy could picture it, no problem. He wondered why he hadn't thought of it before. They were just squares. Once he'd started school his mom had to let him cross streets. He had to cross two to get there. His own street was easy. It was very small and only rarely did a car appear. 56th Street was big though and he had to use the light. Then one day he figured out if he just went straight he could go as far as he wanted and not get lost. All he had to do was turn around and walk straight back. Next, to vary the routine, he returned to his starting point on the opposite side of the street. Looking across the street he could see everything he'd passed on the way which was reassuring.

Then one day he went further down Chester Avenue than ever before, so far in fact that he could see that in a couple more blocks Chester stopped and he would have to go either left or turn around. That's when it occurred to him that it was all just a bunch of squares. If he turned left he should eventually run into Kingsessing Avenue, the same one that ran past his street. Then if he turned left again it would be the same as if he just turned around right now except he'd return home on Kingsessing instead of Chester.

But what if something went wrong and he didn't hit Kingsessing? What if it too had stopped but before Chester had? Why, no problem! He could simply turn right around and come back to where he was now, then go home on Chester. All this took just a few moments to work out so by the time Jimmy got to the end of Chester he turned left immediately just like someone who knew exactly where he was going. And in no time at all he reached an intersection with a light. It was somewhere he'd never been before but the street sign said, "Kingsessing Ave".

* * *

Jacky ran down the street inviting one and all to his house to see his television. Jimmy had only the vaguest idea what television was. It was a sort of combination of movies and radio and Jimmy liked movies and radio. Every Saturday afternoon they all went to the Lennox Theater on the avenue for the matinee. A quarter got you in and also bought some popcorn or a candy bar. Then there was a serial, Superman or maybe a Western. It was fun but kind of a gyp. The hero would run into a shed to untie the lady and the shed would blow up. Then next week the hero would run into the shed to untie the lady but this time just before the shed blew up, he and the lady would run out. Jimmy's favorite radio show was the Shadow. That came on at 8. The little hand was on the 8 and the big hand was on the 12. That was 8 o'clock. Jimmy would watch the big hand ticktock its tedious way toward the 12 because he knew what would happen when it got there. The man would ask who knew what evil lurked in the hearts of men and then The Shadow would laugh.

There was a crowd at Jacky's house. Kids and grown-ups were all jammed together in front of a box that looked like a radio only it had a dark little window on it. When they turned it on, half the screen had a movie on it but the other half was black. The dividing line was right down the middle. The movie was about Francis the talking mule and Jimmy could tell they were only seeing half the picture because in some scenes Francis would be talking but all you could see was his big behind. It was hard to tell what was going on and at the end an announcer said you could see the other half next week.

* * *

It was a day like any other day. Jimmy ran straight home from school, ran straight up the steps into his glass-enclosed porch, straight through the living room and dining room to the kitchen, to the closed door to the cellar. He flung the door open and called for Trixie but then it was no longer a day like any other day. For nothing happened. Trixie did not bound up the stairs, did not leap into Jimmy's arms, did not wag her tail and run around in tight little circles. The cellar seemed completely empty. Jimmy looked over his shoulder. His mother was watching him.

"We had to get rid of her," she said. "She was getting too big."

* * *

Stagecoach sure could make a fellow thirsty. Jimmy had the Radio Flyer, Jacky had the strongbox that some cousin of his gave him. It was a sturdy wooden box painted dark green and had a big metal lock on it. They put it in the wagon and then one kid would be the driver and the other would be the ambusher. The ambusher would lurk at some point along the trail while the driver waited a while at the station, Jimmy's stoop. Then the driver would take the handle and start galloping around the block. At first the ambusher always sprang out of one of the three alleyways but after a few times of that they started hiding behind hedges and whatever. The ambusher would charge out and then the race was on. He had to catch the wagon before it got back to the station. Of course you couldn't just run like a person. You had to hop along like you were galloping on a horse, all the while making a staccato clicking sound with your tongue. So now they were in Jimmy's house looking for some liquid refreshment. Jimmy's mom gave them ice water then went upstairs.

That's when Jimmy spotted the quarter. It was lying on the dining room floor. It struck Jimmy a thing could get lost that way and that's how he got the idea. Jacky watched as Jimmy picked it up and pocketed it. They smiled at each other, then ran out of the house straight to Mrs. Maguire's candy store. Jimmy said Jacky could have ten cents but since it was Jimmy's mom's quarter he should get fifteen cents. Jacky said that seemed reasonable. He got a Clark bar and a Three Musketeers, Jimmy got a Clark bar too, plus Goldenbergers Peanut Chews and five cents worth of Mary Janes. Then they found a secret hiding place behind the school and settled down to the task at hand. After eating all the candy bars Jimmy gave Jacky a couple of his Mary Janes. As they were about to leave Jimmy saw a bit of candy stuck between Jacky's teeth. A fellow could caught that way so he told Jacky about it and then had Jacky check his teeth.

* * *

Jimmy watched the class from the back of the room. Sister Mary Fireplug would call on a boy who would then go to the blackboard and write the next Commandment. Woe to him who got one wrong. They called her Fireplug because she was barely taller than her second grade boys. The big kids make lots of jokes about her. She was always on the move because if she ever stopped a dog would pee on her. She could only teach first and second grade since third graders were too tall for her to slap their faces.

Being second graders, they were all seven years old and had therefore reached the age of reason which meant they could finally tell right from wrong. This was news to Jimmy who thought he already had a pretty good idea on that score. Rarely did his parents surprise him by getting mad over something he thought was right and proper or by not getting mad over something he thought was iffy. Now Jimmy guessed there must be more to it than that.

Jimmy had wondered how this new awareness worked. When exactly did it happen? Had to be before First Communion since before that you had to do First Confession and to do First Confession you had to know what to confess which meant you had to know what you did wrong. But it also had to be before First Confession because you had to know what to confess before you went into the confessional. Best Jimmy could figure out was it must happen on your birthday on the stroke of midnight. It couldn't be a gradual thing that simply started on your birthday since some kids might have to do their First Confession before the gradual process was finished. But that meant that some kids, like Jacky, got their age of reason a little bit before other kids, like Jimmy, and it didn't seem to Jimmy that Jacky was all that good at it. Jacky sometimes thought things that were clearly not okay were okay. That's why Jimmy was standing in the back of the room. He had asked Sister to explain how it happened and that had made her mad.

Now they were learning how to examine their conscience. To do that you had to know the Ten Commandments, which were these things God gave Moses. They were kinda odd.

1. I am the Lord thy God, thou shalt have no strange gods before me.

Huh? Strange gods? There was only one God, right? And of all the people who should realize that, God Himself would top the list. So why would He say anything about strange gods?

Jimmy turned to the little statue of the Virgin Mary on the shelf beside him, and eyed the red painted lips and dull blue eyes. She was the mother of God. Did that make her a god too? Was that what God was talking about? He wasn't about to ask Sister Fireplug, though, and get whacked with a ruler.

2. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain.

Sister had explained that taking the Lord's name in vain was swearing, though why couldn't God just say, “thou shalt not swear”? And which words were swear words? He knew you could say “heck” instead of “hell” and “darn” instead of “damn” but that was about it.

3. Keep holy the Lord's day.

This one was pretty clear. You had to go to mass on Sunday.

4. Honor thy father and thy mother.

Also clear. He'd been doing this, generally speaking, all along.

5. Thou shalt not kill.

This one was a problem. He knew that killing bugs was okay but killing cats was frowned upon. Was it a mortal sin? It was certainly a mortal sin to kill a person so then killing cats was probably just a venial sin? But where was the dividing line? Killing mice? Frogs? Fish? You could certainly kill fish. Grandpa Wise was always killing fish and eating them. That was the worst thing about Friday - you had to eat fish, even though there was no Commandment, “thou shalt eat fish on Friday”. So maybe the line was between frogs and fish? But you could also kill chickens. And cows. In fact, you could even kill people if you did it at the right time and killed the right people. Back when Jimmy was real little his dad and a bunch of other guys had killed gobs of Japs and Nazis, but they had it coming. And Flash Gordon and Lash Larue killed bad guys too. Some bad guys got The Chair. Would help if God was a little more specific.

6. Thou shalt not commit adultery.

What the heck was this? Was it a sin to grow up and become an adult? Could it even be avoided? Sister mumbled something about boys and girls and something or other. Of course Jimmy knew you weren't supposed to play doctor so maybe this was God's way of saying that. God did talk funny after all.

7. Thou shalt not steal.

Finally, one Jimmy broke so now he'd have something to confess. Did it matter though that it was when he was still six and didn't know any better? But of course, he had known better. He knew when he stole that quarter he was being bad. Didn't have to be seven to know that. Didn't even need a Commandment. He just knew. So, he figured, he'd confess it and tell the priest he was only six at the time and see what the priest thought.

8. Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbor.

Turns out, this is just lying, and not just lying to your neighbors. You aren't supposed to lie to anyone so it beat Jimmy why God said “thy neighbor”. But there were exceptions to this one too. Like when he had to tell Aunt Helen or somebody what a wonderful pair of socks they gave him for Christmas. His parents called those white lies and Sister said white lies were only venial sins so you wouldn't go straight to Hell for all eternity if you died after telling one. But you would go to Purgatory which was just as bad as Hell, just not forever. That didn't seem right, that God would burn you in Purgatory for telling someone you liked their dumb gift. If anyone deserved to burn in Purgatory it was the person who gave you the darn socks.

9. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife.

Boy, this one was really weird. Sister explained that "covet" was just God's way of saying "want" but what the heck would Jimmy want with Mrs. Abbott anyway? Mr. Abbott could have her and good luck to him. In fact, Jimmy didn't want anybody's wife. All the Commandments should be so easy.

10. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's goods.

Now this one was tough. Jimmy could understand wanting something that belonged to someone else. Like Jacky's new bike. He had no trouble not coveting Jacky's TV but that bike, that was another kettle of fish. Jimmy knew he shouldn't steal Jacky's bike but apparently you weren't even supposed to want it. Boy, you'd think just not stealing it would be good enough.

* * *

Jimmy could pee higher up the wall than Jacky. It was an old brick wall, the back of one of the stores on the avenue, Jimmy didn't know which one. They were in this store's backyard because the gate in their fence was open. The alley behind Jimmy's house was clean and all the fences were iron railing fences and you could see everyone's back yard, but in Jacky's alley behind the avenue the fences were high wooden ones and flies swarmed all over the smelly garbage. Jacky suggested they set the building on fire. Noting the wall was made of brick Jimmy magnanimously agreed. Jacky had a book of matches. He gathered a few scraps of paper in the bare dirt at the bottom of the brick wall and lit them up. When they left, there was a pathetic little flame that Jimmy figured would be out by the time they hit the alley.

“Did you hear about the fire on the Avenue?” Jimmy’s mother asked his father in the middle of dinner that night.

“No,” he said looking up from his plate. “Where was it?”

“That men’s clothing store,” she said. “I think somebody died in it.”

Big Jim whistled.

“What started it?” he asked.

“Nobody knows,” she said.

Then she noticed Jimmy gaping at her.

“What’s the matter with you?” she asked.

Jimmy moved his mouth but nothing came out. His mom put her hand to his forehead and then his cheeks.

“He hasn’t got a fever,” she said.

Jimmy’s parents looked at one another for what seemed forever.

“Why are you so pale?” she asked, turning back to Jimmy. “Do you feel all right?”

Jimmy nodded dumbly then stammered, “What about that store?”

His mom turned her head to one side and looked at him a moment.

“Why do you want to know?” she asked. “Do you know anything about it?”

“Oh no!” said Jimmy, then shovelled in a forkful of food to chew nonchalantly. They watched him a moment, then looked at one another again. Finally his father made a dismissive gesture and they resumed their dinner. As soon as Jimmy could he rushed upstairs and flung himself onto his bed as waves of guilt crashed over him.

First thing next day Jimmy found Jacky. To his surprise, however, Jacky acted as though he had no idea what Jimmy was talking about. Jimmy explained there'd been a fire on the avenue, at the men's store. Maybe someone had died.

"So what?" asked Jacky.

Jimmy said it might have been the fire Jacky had started with his matches. Jacky told Jimmy he hadn't started any fire, and didn't have any matches. What the heck was Jimmy talking about anyway? Jimmy couldn't think of anything to say. Jacky glared at him. Jimmy took a few steps back, wondering what to do. Jacky continued to glare. Finally, Jimmy turned and walked away.

* * *

The moment of truth had arrived. All the kids in Jimmy's pew stood up and faced right, ready to file into the aisle and on to the confessional. It was time to decide. No more agonizing. What would he tell the priest?

Was it months or weeks or maybe just days? Jimmy couldn't tell, being unused to noticing such things. Whatever it was, it seemed like forever. Of course, there were the easy sins. He coveted Jacky's bike. He stole that quarter. He also lied once when his mother asked if he knew anything about the fire. And yes, the fire. That was the problem of course. He didn't mind telling the priest all the other sins, but the fire…

You never knew what a grown-up would do. The priest was supposed to keep it a secret, but would he? Jimmy could easily imagine a priest keeping secrets like stealing a quarter or coveting a bike, but killing someone in a fire? That was illegal. Wouldn't the priest tell the police?

Of course, it wasn't at all clear that Jimmy had anything at all to do with anyone dying in a fire. Jacky wouldn't even play with him anymore, much less talk about that day. As far as he was concerned, nothing happened. And maybe he was right. When Jimmy thought back to that pitiful little blaze of a couple pieces of paper on that patch of bare dirt next to that brick wall it did seem incredibly unlikely that it could have amounted to anything but still. They had been playing with fire in back of a store on the avenue and there was a fire that day in a store on the avenue. If it wasn't the same store it was a heck of a coincidence.

And there was no one but Jacky to talk to about it. Jimmy hadn't asked any more questions lest he arouse suspicion, so Jimmy was not at all sure his fire was the fire. And even if it was he wasn't positive anyone died in it. After all, Jimmy's mom had only asked if someone died, she didn't know. So how do you confess that? Maybe I started a fire and maybe someone died? What sin was that? In fact, what sin was accidentally starting a fire? There was no Commandment, Thou shalt not accidentally start fires. Which was odd since it had to be a crime yet it might not be a sin? That couldn't be, God must have meant it in one of those Commandments that He just said in a funny way no one could understand. Sister Fireplug would know but Jimmy couldn't ask her. Couldn't ask her anything. She'd report him to the police for sure, after whacking him with her ruler.

And what if the police got involved? They'd arrest both him and Jacky. Their lives would be ruined, at the age of seven, just for a stupid mistake. Would God want that? What good would that do? It wouldn't undo the fire or bring back the dead guy, if there was one. If nobody said nothing it would be just like it was now, a darn shame that everybody could feel sorry about. If he told anyone then he and Jacky would go to jail and he felt bad enough without that. He already regretted it and he already wanted to try to be a better kid. It wasn't fair.

Now, as he started to shuffle his way into the aisle, the time to decide had come. No more back and forth, no more thinking one thing one minute, another the next. In a few moments he would either come clean or not and as his foot touched the aisle he knew what he which it would be and suddenly felt much better.