Mr. Unheimlich - A Play in One Act - Part 2 of 3

CLANCY: One hundred and thirty-one times. Crazy, right? And that’s not an unusually long special, mind you.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Why were you counting?

 

CLANCY: I was watching it for the hundredth time and I started to notice it. Quit. It’s an abrasive word. I kept track.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) What are you getting at?

  

CLANCY: I, me, Clancy, would quit smoking right now if I was told I could. And him, he, Clancy, seems pretty hip to the idea of quitting. At least, subconsciously he is. He, I, seem predisposed to quitting anything that doesn’t come easy to him. Us. Me. Three marriages? Quit ‘em. Film career? Quit that, too. (He gestures with the lighter.) Hell, I’m about bash this thing against the wall. So, why would I keep forcing something? (He picks up the empty cup and drops the cigarette inside it. He sighs.) Now that’s a relief.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Quitting a nicotine addiction is a whole other ordeal altogether. If his account is to be believed - 

 

CLANCY: His bits in a standup routine, you mean.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) If they’re to be believed, Clancy’s been smoking since high school. It’s a lot harder to kick the habit after, what, twenty-five years?

 

CLANCY: Then it’s all that bastard’s fault anyway.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Who?

 

CLANCY: His dad. My dad. Whatever. I never met the prick. That’s why I can’t do the voice right. Can’t quite get the nuances of it down like Clancy can. To be able to perfect it like that…that’s hate. Why the hell would he want to keep something up that he got from his old man? What do you think?

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) About his dad?

 

CLANCY: No,no. About the death sticks.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) I…think you bring up a very valid argument.

 

CLANCY: Thank you.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) But the very fact that you exist is the ultimate testament to not quitting. It doesn’t seem like he would ever be up for the idea of consigning something he truly identifies as himself to oblivion. Who would?

 

    CLANCY takes the cigarette out of the cup.

 

CLANCY: (Gestures with the cigarette.) You think this is what he identifies himself with?

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) I mean, it’s his brand. Ever seen him without one?

 

Small pause as CLANCY thinks on it.

 

CLANCY:No.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Hey, it was a valiant effort to convince me.

 

CLANCY: But?

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) But it went up in smoke.

 

CLANCY smirks and offers a small laugh. He absent-mindedly thumbs the flint wheel of the lighter.

 

CLANCY: Funny. That’s funny. Ever considered being a comedian yourself?

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Me? Never. It’d be a conflict of interest at this point. 

 

CLANCY ignites the lighter by mistake but quickly puts it out.

 

CLANCY: (Surprised.) Whoa!

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) What?

 

CLANCY: I did it myself that time! Let me…

 

CLANCY trails off. He attempts a few more times to light it, finally doing so again. He grins wide in spite of himself.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Bravo.

 

JEAN plays the canned audience cheering for a moment. CLANCY waves to the “audience” and mouths “thank you’s”. He begins staring into the flame and becomes transfixed.

 

JEAN (CONT.): (Intercom.) Good thing you figured it out. I was tired of getting up every time just to help - Clancy? (Small pause. CLANCY continues staring at the flame.) Clancy?

 

CLANCY slowly brings his free hand up towards the flame. He gets closer and closer until he accidentally burns himself. He extinguishes the flame immediately.

 

CLANCY: Ow! Goddammit!

 

Within seconds, an automatic door offstage is heard opening and closing. JEAN arrives onstage and crosses to CLANCY. She wears a lab outfit which includes gloves and a face mask. She yanks the lighter away from him and examines his hand. 

 

JEAN: What in the hell’d you do that for?

 

CLANCY: I don’t know, I just -

 

JEAN: Fire hot, Clancy. Fire bad.

 

CLANCY: I know, I know, Jesus. How’s it look?

 

JEAN: You’ll live.

 

CLANCY: Well, hey, if it’s bad enough to get you down here once in a while, maybe self-immolation ain’t so bad.

 

    JEAN drops his hand.

 

JEAN: Alright, let’s do this. Pop it in.

 

CLANCY: Oh, c’mon, it was a joke.

 

JEAN: (Ordering.) Cigarette.

 

    CLANCY puts the cigarette in his mouth.

 

CLANCY: This really isn’t necess-

 

JEAN: Shh.

 

JEAN lights the cigarette for CLANCY. He begins smoking it throughout the scene.

 

CLANCY: Seriously, what the hell am I going to do without you out there?

 

JEAN: If you still have enough money left over, you can always hire someone to do this for you. C’mon. Break time’s over.

 

    JEAN makes to exit.

 

CLANCY: Wait! (JEAN turns back around.) You can stay, you know? If you want.

 

JEAN: We really don’t have time. We’ve really gotta prepare you for the real world. Can’t have yourself burnt to a crisp on day one.

 

CLANCY: Ah, what’s more real out there than in here, huh? (JEAN shrugs and makes to exit again. CLANCY reaches out and grabs her hand.) Wait!

 

JEAN: Clancy, what?

 

    CLANCY drops her hand, sheepish.

 

CLANCY: Just curious. What are you going to do? When I’m out of here, I mean. Seeing as you’re not going to come to my shows.

 

JEAN: Oh, gosh…well, I suppose I’ll cease to exist.

 

CLANCY: I’m serious. 

 

JEAN: You’ll go off and live the life that you’ve been molded for. You’ll have all the money and contracts and specials and interviews and what have you. And I’ll be here. Working.

 

CLANCY: Well…I can come back and visit, can’t I?

 

JEAN: Clancy.

 

CLANCY: What?

 

JEAN: It’s strongly discouraged. Think about it. I’m not anything to you. Not really. Once you walk out that door, none of this really happened. That’s how you need to think. That’s what everyone else will be thinking. You know that?

 

CLANCY: Yeah, but - 

 

JEAN: But what?

 

CLANCY: But that’s bullshit! I mean, hell, I’d die without you keeping me in line. (JEAN laughs.) I’m serious, Jean! You’ve been with me here since I was born and now I’m just supposed to throw you away?

 

JEAN: Okay, let’s calm down a bit.

 

    CLANCY begins closing in on JEAN.

 

CLANCY: How many others have there been?

 

JEAN: What do you mean?

 

CLANCY: Other assets or whatever you call them. How many others have you handled that have left already? How many others are you working with now? Where do you go when you’re not here? (He’s too close to JEAN now.) For Christ’s sake, I should know. You’re telling me no one comes back to visit you?

 

JEAN: Sit down! 

 

CLANCY takes a second to realize how close he is to JEAN. He backs a step away. JEAN points to the stool. CLANCY sits.

 

CLANCY: Sorry, I - 

 

JEAN: You will forget about me once you’re out of here. You won’t come back to visit because you won’t need to. It would ruin everything. You’re Clancy Mulligan. Clancy Mulligan wouldn’t come here to visit. You have to live your life how he would. You are a product, Clancy. And if you don’t walk out of here and deliver what you’re supposed to deliver, it’s my ass that’s on the line. Do you understand?

 

CLANCY: Yeah…yes. I understand.

 

JEAN: Then what’s the problem?

 

CLANCY: I’ll miss you.

 

    JEAN sighs. 

 

JEAN: I know. But I am absolutely positive that after a week of living your life in the real world, you won’t think twice about me or this place. And, if you start to feel like you’re going to die, you can always just buy a new you. (Small pause.) That was a joke.

 

CLANCY: Yeah. I got it. Funny.

 

JEAN: Sorry. I didn’t mean to offend or - 

 

CLANCY: (Through strained laughter.) Offend? Me? You’re outta your mind, babe.

 

JEAN: Alright. Smoke up, then.

 

JEAN extends the lighter out to him. Hesitating briefly, he takes it and pockets it. JEAN exits. He smokes, silent for a moment.

 

CLANCY: I really could use the water, you know. I have half a mind to get it from the toilet at this point. Now that’d be a good story. (Small pause.) You know what’s really funny? I haven’t even written a single joke. Not one. I can do all of Clancy’s routines forwards and backwards, except the damn voices, but I don’t have anything new. Never even been in front of a crowd. What’s that going to be like, huh? What are people going to say to me on the street? “Hey, Clancy, you look great!” “Hey, Clancy, you look young!” “Hey, Clancy, glad you beat cancer!” It’s all a joke. I’d know. I’m the fuckin’ comedian around here. (The automatic offstage is heard opening. CLANCY looks towards the sound.) Jean?

 

CLANCY’s hopeful expression drops. VERONICA enters. She dresses sharp and dark. She also wears a face mask.

 

VERONICA: I don’t suppose you can call yourself a comedian if you haven’t told any funny jokes. I don’t think you have to worry about that, though. Clancy never told any funny ones either.

 

CLANCY: Who the hell -? (He quashes the cigarette in his cup. Calling out.) Jean?

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Clancy, you have a visitor.

 

CLANCY stares at VERONICA for a moment, shocked.

 

VERONICA: I’m surprised I’m here, too.  

 

CLANCY: Wait a minute, you’re Veronica. You’re - 

 

VERONICA: Shh.

 

While keeping her distance, VERONICA circles CLANCY, looking him up and down. Immediately afterwards, she taps the mic. She utters a dry laugh.

 

CLANCY: What?

 

VERONICA: (Gesturing to the mic.) Even this is fake.

 

CLANCY: (Calling out to JEAN.) Is she even on the list?

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) She wouldn’t be allowed in if she wasn’t. 

 

VERONICA: Another surprise. I only found out yesterday myself. Clancy called me. First time in, what, six years? Frankly, I don’t know why I picked it up. He said - (She impersonates CLANCY but with a wheezing, sickly voice.) - “Veronica, I want you to see something for me. I’d appreciate notes if you’ve got ‘em.” You’re an expensive little science project, too, aren’t you? The fact that he hadn’t blown all his money already was a shock, but I suppose if he was going to save up for anything it’d be - (Gesturing to CLANCY.) - this. I knew exactly what I was walking into but…I mean, how do you prepare?

 

CLANCY: Well, uh…whaddya think?

 

VERONICA: You look just like him. 

 

CLANCY: That’s the gig.

 

VERONICA: It’s disgusting.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Ma’am, please, I’m going to have to ask you not to antagonize -

 

    VERONICA holds up a hand to silence JEAN.

 

VERONICA: (To CLANCY.) What am I thinking right now?

 

CLANCY What?

 

VERONICA: C’mon. What am I thinking?

 

CLANCY: How the hell am I supposed to know?

 

VERONICA: He always knew. He’d know exactly what was going on behind your eyes and bludgeon you with it. I want to see if they could clone that.

 

CLANCY: I…I really don’t know what you’re talking about. 

 

VERONICA: Well. I came here to give notes. That’s a strike right there. What happens if you’re not perfect, huh? Do they liquidate you? Throw you in the furnace? Clancy wouldn’t want anything but perfection.

 

    CLANCY takes this as a challenge. He steps up to VERONICA.

 

CLANCY: You’re probably thinking “Damn, if he’s not really going to die, then there’s no chance he bothered writing me into a will.”

 

VERONICA lowers her mask, grabs CLANCY’s face and brings it close to hers.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Veronica! Not so rough!

 

VERONICA: (To CLANCY.) Don’t bullshit me. What am I thinking?

 

VERONICA loosens her grip on CLANCY to allow him to speak but does not back away. They stare at each other silently for a moment.

 

CLANCY: (Low.) “He said he didn’t want kids.”

 

VERONICA: What was that?

 

CLANCY: (Louder.) “He said he didn’t want kids.”

 

VERONICA: And yet, here’s this waste of semen staring me in the face. (Calling to JEAN.) I think we have a winner here! (To CLANCY.) How old are you?

 

CLANCY: Well, Clancy’s - 

 

VERONICA: How old are you?

 

CLANCY: Three. 

 

VERONICA: (Laughing.) Christ, he must’ve put in his order right after his diagnosis.

 

CLANCY: Alright, alright, enough. If you came here to give me notes, then let’s keep it to the material, huh? You haven’t even seen me perform.

 

VERONICA: Oh! Alright, funny man. (She unholsters the mic and shoves it into CLANCY’s hands.) Make us laugh.

 

VERONICA pulls up the stool opposite CLANCY and sits. CLANCY starts to speak, clears his throat, then begins coughing. VERONICA stares daggers the whole time. 

 

CLANCY: Sorry, I…I need water. 

 

VERONICA: The poor baby. (To JEAN.) Do you hear that, mommy? Baby needs his bottle.

 

CLANCY: Jesus Christ, cool it, would you? She’s not my -

 

VERONICA: Sparkling, please!

 

CLANCY: If you want to rip into me, go ahead, but leave her out of it. She’s just doing her job.

 

VERONICA: Fine. Proceed.

 

CLANCY: What do you want me to do? Live at Ford’s Theater? Saying the Quiet Part Proud? What’s your favorite?

 

VERONICA: Surprise me.

 

    CLANCY clears his throat again and jumps into a routine.

 

CLANCY: You’ve all seen this, right? It’s an epidemic. Every asshole gets a participation trophy just for showing up! Christ, think of the -!

 

VERONICA: Heard it. Next!

 

    Small pause. CLANCY glares at VERONICA but pivots.

 

CLANCY: So, you’re telling me the government, the same government that lets politicians trade stocks, the same government that defunds the police, hell, the same government that killed J.F.K wants me to vaccinate myself with something that only they approved? I’ve got a jab they can take right here.

 

    CLANCY gestures at his crotch.

 

VERONICA: Oh, recent stuff. Heard it. Next!

 

CLANCY: (Speaking faster.) Why do they make you do a first kiss at a wedding in front of everyone? Grandma didn’t come out of the retirement home and fly halfway across the country to watch me give a little smooch! I say put on a show! Just let us get it on at the altar! The priest can’t say anything, he just blessed it!

 

VERONICA: Charming. Next!

 

CLANCY: (Speaking faster.) They say the kids are starving in Africa. Then they say we shouldn’t treat Africa like it’s just one big country. Well, maybe I’d care if they got a little more specific. Where in Africa are they starving, right?

 

VERONICA: Next!

 

CLANCY: Look, I’m pro-choice, but - 

 

VERONICA: Next!

 

CLANCY: (Out of breath.) Fuck, lady! No wonder he divorced you!

 

VERONICA: Yes. He divorced me. That is what he said in the interviews, isn’t it?

 

CLANCY: (Trying to catch his breath.) Whatever! Who cares who divorced who? You clearly don’t have a sense of humor. Why the hell did you marry a comedian anyway?

 

VERONICA: If this is that taxing for you, maybe you shouldn’t be a comedian.

 

CLANCY: (Calling off to JEAN.) Jean? I could really use that water right about now.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) I just sent the guy’s back out to get a case of sparkling.

 

CLANCY: Jean! Normal water, for God’s sake!

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Clancy, I’m sorry. Sparkling only.

 

CLANCY: (To VERONICA.) Help me out here, would you? They’ve got these bullshit rules here and - nevermind. You’ve seen Clancy drink just normal, flat water, right?

 

VERONICA: Hm. You know, I don’t recall.

 

CLANCY: (Distressed.) Fuckin’ A!

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) I can get you another cigarette if you’d like.

 

VERONICA: Now there’s an offer you can’t refuse. (Calling out to JEAN.) He’ll take it!

 

CLANCY: I don’t like it.

 

VERONICA: No one does.

 

CLANCY: You don’t mind?