Mr. Unheimlich - A Play in One Act - Part 3 of 3

VERONICA: No. I’m already dealing with this second-hand embarrassment, a little smoke won’t kill me.

 

CLANCY: Funny. 

 

JEAN enters and crosses to CLANCY while trying her best to avoid VERONICA. She pulls a cigarette from her pocket and hands it to CLANCY. CLANCY struggles with the lighter.

 

CLANCY (CONT.): Sorry, could you -?

 

    JEAN lights the cigarette for CLANCY.

 

VERONICA: Jean, right?

 

JEAN: Yes.

 

VERONICA: Tell me, sweetheart, has he tried his famous “Unheimlich maneuver” on you yet?

 

JEAN: His what?                 CLANCY: My what?

 

VERONICA: You don’t know? I figured he must have mentioned it in some interview somewhere. (To CLANCY.) Well, if you’re going to walk out of here as Clancy Mulligan, you need to know how to do the “Unheimlich maneuver”. Wouldn’t you agree, Jean?

 

JEAN: I…I suppose if this is something that would make him more credible as -

 

VERONICA: Oh, it would. Perfect. I guess I’ll have to show you how, won’t I? Let’s see…Clancy, can you -? Wait, do I even call you Clancy? Clancy-Two, maybe?

 

CLANCY: Are you going to show us something or not?

 

VERONICA: Right. Clancy, I want you to start choking.

 

CLANCY: What?

 

VERONICA: Choking. You know. (VERONICA crosses her hands over her neck.) Choking. You’re going to have to learn how to choke if you’re walking out of here as a two-bit comic anyway.

 

CLANCY: Okay, okay. Choking.

 

    CLANCY offers a weak, fake cough.

 

VERONICA: No. More. Like “you’re watching your life flash before your eyes” choking. Like “you don’t think you’re going to make it” choking. 

 

CLANCY looks to JEAN for approval. JEAN nods. CLANCY begins fake choking, sheepish at first.

 

VERONICA (CONT.): (Goading.) Louder. Harder. (CLANCY intensifies his choking.) C’mon, c’mon! Really sell it to me.

 

CLANCY steadily escalates to the point where it isn’t clear if he’s pretending or not. JEAN looks at VERONICA, concerned. VERONICA keeps watching CLANCY until she’s satisfied. Then, to JEAN, she mimes doing the Heimlich maneuver, prompting JEAN to perform it on CLANCY. Like CLANCY, JEAN performs it weakly at first and CLANCY briefly stops choking, confused. VERONICA directs them to both pick up the intensity. As the act hits a fever pitch between the choking and the maneuver, CLANCY, in pain, finally breaks free of JEAN’s grasp. 

 

CLANCY: Ow! Ow! Stop that!

 

VERONICA: Good, good, good! Now you rush to her declaring that she’s saved your life, give her a big hug and ask her if she’s free for drinks.

 

    Small pause.

 

CLANCY: Do you want me to -?

 

VERONICA: No. Let’s spare her.

 

CLANCY: I don’t get it. Was this a bit Clancy did?

 

JEAN: We haven’t heard about this in any interviews.

 

VERONICA: Well, that’s how he hooked me, after all. It was at a V.I.P. meet and greet. Can you believe it? There was a time when I wasted my money on that. I thought I saved him. I thought I did the world a favor. Turns out, he’s perfectly capable of saving himself, isn’t he?

 

CLANCY: I don’t believe you.

 

VERONICA: No?

 

JEAN: If it was an event, I’m sure we could get someone to corroborate or disprove -

CLANCY: No! Don’t bother. I know she’s lying.

 

VERONICA: How’s that?

 

CLANCY: Because that’s…that’s psychotic! What kind of person would do that just to -?

 

VERONICA: You! You’re the kind of person! I mean, for the love of God, you were dumped out of a test tube specifically for this monkey-see-monkey-do bullshit!

 

CLANCY: Let’s say you’re not lying. Let’s say this actually happened. I don’t have to do it. I can be better. The hell with people wanting an exact replica. I’m not like that!

 

JEAN: Clancy, we’ve talked about this. You have to be -

 

CLANCY: Or what? Are you going to just throw me in the furnace if I act up? Put a recall on me? (To VERONICA.) And you. You didn’t come here to give notes.

 

VERONICA: What gave it away?

 

CLANCY: You came here to spoil a good thing we had going here. Clancy Mulligan’s not a bad guy.

 

VERONICA: Trust me. You come from tainted stock.

 

CLANCY: I didn’t do anything!

 

JEAN: That’s enough! Both of you! (Small pause.) Veronica, I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to ask you to leave.

 

VERONICA: But we were just starting to get to the good stuff. Don’t you think he’d want to know more about the cheating? The cocaine benders? What about the roofies on our honeymoon?

 

JEAN: Veronica, please, out.

 

VERONICA: Fine. I’m going. Stinks in here anyway. (She begins to exit but turns back around.) Oh, one more thing. Clancy Mulligan has his next show booked.

 

JEAN: What?

 

CLANCY: He does?

 

VERONICA: Yes. Carnegie Hall. About ninety days from now.

 

CLANCY: Carnegie Hall…like “How do you get to Carnegie Hall?” Carnegie Hall? Like “Carlin at Carnegie” Carnegie Hall?

 

VERONICA: Is there another one?

 

CLANCY: Is he -? But, he’s not in any condition to perform. I mean…is he?

 

VERONICA: I’d think not considering he’s been given, what, a month left to live?

 

JEAN: A month?                 CLANCY: A month?

 

JEAN: That’s ridiculous. We haven’t been notified about this.

 

VERONICA: No, I believe only his doctor and I know. That was the first thing he told me when he called me. Really, you should be thanking me.

 

CLANCY: Why?

 

VERONICA: Because he told me not to tell you. Because I think, deep down, he wants you to choke. Choke so spectacularly. Can’t have someone out there doing his routines better than him, can he? What would that say about his legacy?

 

CLANCY: I’m…I’m not ready. Jean, I’m not ready. Tell her I’m not ready.

 

VERONICA: Oh, I know you’re not. Too late now, isn’t it? They’ve gotta roll you out once he kicks it. A delay would be…odd, wouldn’t it?

 

CLANCY: Can’t you do something? Can’t you cancel it or postpone it, or -?

 

VERONICA: I was just married to the guy. I’m not his agent.

 

CLANCY: It doesn’t make sense! Why would he do this? Why would he set me up like this?

 

VERONICA: I guess even though he’s made every effort to preserve himself, he can’t stop the equal urge to self-destruct. There’s a good joke somewhere in there, don’t you think? Break a leg, Clancy-Two. 

 

VERONICA exits. 

 

CLANCY: You didn’t know?

 

JEAN: I swear I didn’t. We get reports directly from his doctor, so if he asked to keep it a secret, then - 

 

CLANCY: I’m fucked.

 

JEAN: There has to be a way we can cancel. We can call your agent and he’ll call Carnegie and -

 

CLANCY: We…we can’t.

 

JEAN: Why not?

 

CLANCY: He’s never canceled a show. Ever. Not for hangovers or divorces or the flu. Why would he cancel for this? He can’t even quit smoking. (He gestures with the cigarette.) Sorry, can you -?

 

    JEAN lights his cigarette.

 

JEAN: Then we’d better get back to rehearsing. (JEAN begins to exit but stops. A realization hits her.) Clancy?

 

CLANCY: Yeah?

 

JEAN: Earlier…when you burnt yourself on the lighter. Did you do that on purpose?

 

CLANCY: What? No, of course not. I don’t know why I did it, I just…wait, do you think I was doing that weird “un-” whatever she called it? (JEAN doesn’t respond.) Jean. Jean, I’d never do something like that to manipulate you or…c’mon. It’s me. You know me.

 

JEAN: Of course. 

 

    CLANCY steps towards JEAN.

 

CLANCY: Jean, I - 

 

JEAN quickly exits. Small pause. CLANCY stands in front of the mic, despondent.

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Do you want to just take it from the top?

 

CLANCY: I, uh…really need that water. I don’t care if it’s sparkling or not, I just need something. 

 

JEAN: (Intercom.) Hold on. (Small pause.) The resupply got delayed. We won’t be getting anything in until tomorrow. (CLANCY, in a fit, kicks over his stool.) From the top? Cue audience.

 

The sounds of a cheering crowd are played over the intercom. CLANCY swipes a hand over his face and breaks out into a wide grin. He waves to his “audience” and mouths thank you’s. The cheering crowd fades out. Lights out.

END