Pretty Wings

Gold cherry

By jolono

Thu, 12 Jun 2014
  • 5090 reads
16 comments
 

Once clipped, they became strong

Feathers grew from broken wings.

Vicious tongues made her climb, high.

Till blood dripped from her perfect nose

and stained what were once virgin robes.

 

The earth was not for her. She flew.

Taking in that delicious saltiness of

life. Eyes watering from something so

pure, even the gods climaxed at the

very thought of breathing it in.

 

She travelled on her journey. Age was no

matter, the sweet elixir coursing

through her veins. Higher and higher she

rose. So high that the heat would burn small

holes on her arms and legs.

 

Secrets kept her aloft. Soaring on thermals

of treacherous air. Never once looking down

to see her reflection in the waters below.

Other fliers would call out her name and

she would flutter in all her glory.

 

But perfect wings can’t last forever. They tire.

Like a Cinnabar that flew once too often

to the flame, she scorched, fell from grace and

lay broken. No glue could mend.

Her pretty wings will fly no more.

Certificate 12
Poem
Poems of Life and Love
Other Fiction

Comments

Submitted by Bee on

I keep coming back to this because I like it so much even though I'm sure I don't fully understand it. Beautiful imagery - and sad. 

'and stained what was once virgin robes.' - should that be (were)?
 

Bee

Submitted by scratch on

Excellent feedback from magicdarer and I can see that edit suggestion from Bee has been acted on.  I think that it was the right alteration to make.

I have read this a number of times and my admiration has grown over time.  The themes and the word choices are really very good and the idea of hope against reason prevailing develops strongly and then its juxtaposition with the brutality of the last stanza is the figurative equivalent of Devon Lock in the 1956 Grand National.  God, does that even make any sense?

On a purely subjective and personal note I would not have gone with the enjambment of the poem's chosen five line stanza format.  I think that the piece would carry it's strength better with a less tight structure allowing natural punctuation to free the rhythm.  But like I said - purely subjective Jolono.  This is a surprising and very much admired piece from someone who gets better and better at poetry as time goes by.  Kudos.

 

Submitted by jolono on

Wow, blown away by such great comments by people who REALLY know how to write poetry.

It is in fact telling a story. A girl who runs away from a destructive family that begins a downward spiral into sex, drugs and alcohol.

She thinks thats shes flying, having a great time, enjoying all there is to see. But comes down hard and overdoses.

Written for someone who sadly is no longer here.

 

Submitted by jolono on

And, you will have to sit me down one day Scratch and teach my how to write poetry. I'm serious.

I have no idea about structure and stanzas.

I am just a poor east end boy who tries his best....

But, honestly, this site has helped me enormously. Two years ago, I couldn't have written this.

Thanks all. 

 

Submitted by jolono on

Magicdarer you got it. It is a story of life. But a sad one. Really pleased that you commented.

 

Submitted by jolono on

Hi Bee, this could have been read a thousand ways. But i'm really pleased that you came back to it and read it again. As I've said before. I don't really do poetry.  I try. 

Thanks for reading and wondering...Hope the explanation gives a few clues.

 

Submitted by jolono on

Woahhhh.............. golden cherries. Thanks Eds.

 

Submitted by scratch on

That's what Dick Francis must have said to the bloody horse!  Lmfao!

 

Submitted by VeraClark on

Absolutely stunning, Joe. Love the duality of the subjects that run through it, it has such potency and tragic, too. I'm so looking forward to more of your poetry.

 

Submitted by jolono on

Thank you Vera. Coming from possibly the best poet I've ever read, that is a massive compliment.

 

Submitted by skinner_jennifer on

This is an amazing poem Jolono,  you say you're not a poet...but believe me this proves you're a poet without a shadow of a doubt.

Very worthy of the gold cherries.

Jenny.

 

Submitted by jolono on

Thank you Jennifer. Trying different things and learning all the time. Once again thank you for the kind comments.

 

Submitted by Linda Wigzell Cress on

Wonderful writing by this poor East end boy trying his best..  Respect to scratch but I like the format. A formal structure for me encapisulates the inevitability of the end.  But then I'm just a SE London girl tryng to be a poet too.

 

Linda

Submitted by Denzella on

Joe, I'm no poet, but I have always thought you were.  I have read a lot of your poems and I was always struck by how good they were. .

Moya

 

Submitted by jolono on

Thank you both Linda and Moya. I always thought poetry was for arty farty women and gay men! Honestly... I never really got it. I thought that Benny Hill was the best poet out there, at least his stuff would rhyme. But after joining this site and reading some absolutely wonderful stuff my old East End eyes were opened. I now enjoy reading and trying to write some decent poetry.

You could say that i've grown up, but my wife would probably disagree about that!

 

Submitted by jolono on

Added another stanza. Couldn't get it right when I first posted this but went back and re-wrote it.