love calls

When Love first called I was doing the dishes. I got Loneliness to
answer the door but Loneliness said it was just the wind playing
tricks. But the knocking continued so I got Low-self-esteem to go have
a look. Low-self-esteem opened the door but wouldn't let Love in. It
said Love had the wrong address and should try some other place. I
listened up because I could hear a strange tone in Low-self-esteem's
voice; as if in pain. I dried my hands and went to the door and there
stood Love. I was speechless, just stood there with a tea-towel in my
hands and nothing in my head. "Can I come in" said Love. My mind found
a gear, "Yes?come on in" I rushed in and plumped up the cushions for
Love to sit down.

In many ways that was the first day of the rest of my life. It is the
point my mind drifts back to - it was the start.

The days that followed were beautiful to me. Life was perfect but
perfection isn't something that can be maintained. And when I came back
to reality Loneliness was waiting for me, it kept bothering me, wanted
me to make Love go away. Eventually I grew tired of its persistence and
with Love's help I threw Loneliness out. "Love" I said "I want you to
stay" and Love kissed me.

Low-self-esteem says if Love really knew who I was Love wouldn't have
kissed me. It explains that no one could love me with all my Shame. The
kisses are meant for someone I'm not. It's right, now all the kisses
belong to Low-self-esteem . Love gives them me and I must hand them
over before I can feel them. Then all their tenderness is wrung out of
them and then they are thrown in the bin.

I can't stop thinking of what Low-self-esteem said about Shame. I don't
want to live this half loved life. So one night, holding Courage's
hand, I show Love my Shame. It rears up, ugliest of ugliness', a
monster made up of horrors components. It dives at Love, tearing and
shrieking. With one swift punch Love stops it in its tracks, with
another doubles it over, and then taking all Loves power, strikes it an
almighty blow to the head, and kills it?Shame is dead. I look at it
lying there, "horrible thing" I say and give it a kick. For the first
time, in a long time, I am beginning to enjoy living here.

So much so in fact that I convene a meeting. I call everyone to it.
There is Anger, Bitterness, Fear, Apathy, Depression, Lust,
Low-self-esteem and Poor-little-old-me in the corner. "Thank you all
for coming" I say "I have called this meeting to tell you, you all need
to move out, as now that I am loved, I am a different person". They all
start laughing, even Little-old-me is pointing at me and laughing. "You
will do as I say" I shout, but that just makes them worse, I feel so
helpless, they're supposed to do what I say. My heart sinks, perhaps
Love really is too good to be true. I turn and run from the room to
escape their mocking laughter.

I need to be on my own for a couple of days, I really did think Love
would change everything but it hasn't. I hoped so much that Love would
set me free, but nothing has really changed. And now I have to
negotiate a new way of being - where Love stays, and so do the others,
but it's going to be hard because Love will have to be less and I had
wanted it to be everything? I had believed in it.

This Love is tearing me apart. It tells me it is everything, but it
isn't. It says it will never fail, but it does. It says it will never
leave me, but I feel so alone. Love gave me Hope but what is the use of
Hope if it only gives ammunition to Fear and Doubt?

Gradually I've stopped hoping, I've taken Love from my heart and hung
it on the wall above the mantelpiece. When people come and ask me, if I
know what Love is, I point to it. "Of course I do, I've got it hanging
on my wall".

One evening - when there was nothing on tv - I was looking at Love
hanging there. "You know, I thought you would set me free" I said, "I
believed in you" Love looked at me and said "I could only give you what
you would take, and you wouldn't take any chances."