smile

By jon9uk

Thu, 05 May 2011

1135 reads

5 comments

Her features echoed the beauty of her soul,
And I have no words to do her justice.
Save to say,
With every changing shade, and with every weary smile, she lit my life.
She wove gentleness through anger and with understanding lifted frustration.

I would trace my fingers across the whisper of her lips,
And over every feature gaze for comprehension.
And never understand the language of her passion,
The wonder of her soul,
The power of a thousand gentle glances.

I saw her in her words,
The tilt of her head,
The gestures of her hands.
I saw her,
But never saw enough:
Never tired of seeing.

Comments

Don't believe with should be

Permalink Submitted by mikepyro on Thu, 2011-05-05 18:06

Don't believe with should be capitalized. I'd cut the comma after safe to say. It's a style choice but you don't need to caps each strting sentence.You mention soul twice; the secon soul line is particularly cliche and I suggest a change, either way an image of the soul should be used one time tops in a poem. These are Tiny issues but every bit helps. I really liked the simplicity and passion of the piece. Some beautiful imagery, though at times too everyday. The best parts are points like tracing your finger on the whisper. This is unique and wonderful and only serves to make lines like the wonder o her soul feel tacky. That said it's a solid sweet little piece and you did well with it.

Give me the beat boys and free my soul! I wanna getta lost in ya rock n' roll and drift away. Drift away...

thanks, that's a lot to take

Permalink Submitted by jon9uk on Thu, 2011-05-05 18:18

thanks, that's a lot to take on board. I'll give it a while and have a re-read baring in mind what you say.

Hi jon9uk, I really like

Permalink Submitted by skinner_jennifer on Thu, 2011-05-05 18:32

Hi jon9uk, I really like this poem, it's said from the heart, which is sometimes hard to do. Thanks for a great read. Jenny.

hi jon9uk, I really think

Permalink Submitted by maisie on Thu, 2011-05-05 22:26

hi jon9uk, I really think you have something there - but for me, it didn't come together properly, you seemed not certain at the start - and you could perhaps get this by changing the order of the stanza's/verses, to suit. I've actually cut up a poem and tried swopping the verses around. It really can help define the meaning. i hope you don't mind the comment. I just hope it helps. maisie

maisie Guess what? I'm still alive!

could try that, I'll give it

Permalink Submitted by jon9uk on Fri, 2011-05-06 05:32

could try that, I'll give it some thought. Thanks for the comment