Part III- telling the family of Paddy's passing

                “Telling the family of Paddy’s passing”

 

 

    Practical matters set in order, after I was advised that  Paddy had passed on. I sent e-mail missives to a few of our remaining siblings:

 

 

Bill, Nancy,

            In case Mary hasn't yet reached you, Brother Paddy passed on at 5:00 A.M. this morning. (Wed. March 3rd).He was suffering from terminal lung cancer, as a patient at the VA Medical Center, in Manchester N.H. He will be interred in a national military cemetery, with full military honors, near Concord, by the Veteran's Administration, in the near future. When those details become available, I will share them with you.

 

Brother Mike, as primary care taker for mom, has decided not to tell her of Paddy's passing, for fear of what it would do to her deteriorating health. I would ask you to respect his decision. Her end is near enough as it is.

 

 Feel free to say a prayer or have a mass said in Paddy's remembrance. We all will mark his passing in our own separate way. We are all grateful that Paddy died in a dignified manner, in a clean and nice environment, with people around him who liked and cared for him, and that he will be buried by a grateful nation with all the respect that his military service entitles him.

 

I include a few sketches, that Mary Eileen and I wrote about Paddy. Feel free to add your own thoughts and memories to them.

 

At times like these, it is important to reflect on who we are and what the meaning of this whole business of life is really all about. My best wishes for your continued good health and happiness.                 Brother Joey

 

 

 

 

    Dear Joe,

 

       Your birthday seems to have sad attachments.  Thank you for the nice piece that you wrote.  I told Mary that it would be so nice if Paddy knew that in his last days that he was being remembered by his brothers and sisters.

 

       That would be great if you could go to the service.  I wish I could go with you. I have to pick up Mom on the 19th to bring her back here. Mike is going to a medical convention.

 

       I was remembering Jim Veign this morning. It is six years since his passing.   Thank you again for being there in our needs.

 

       Have a nice birthday.

 

        Love, Nancy

 

 

Nancy,

 

       Thanks for the Birthday wishes. Kathy Jensen, the social worker at the Manchester VA hospital, told me that she whispered to Paddy that we had all called and wanted to visit. Apparently, the last sense to go is the hearing, so he probably was aware of his family's concern during his last days. Hopefully that brought some comfort to him. I know I am well pleased that he died in a clean and safe environment, among people who cared for him, instead of some nameless Caribbean village. Paddy will be buried with respect and full military honors, amongst other Veteran' veterans. That too is nice to think of. And of course, he is finally at peace, something he never found in life.

 

Paddy also was administered the last rights and ashes on Ash Wednesday, so he was covered there as well. The VA will send me the cemetery and plot information. I am not sure when and if there will be an actual service for Paddy. I visited Dad's grave today and told them all of Paddy's passing and asked that they look out for him. I guess that is as good a service as we can muster right now. I will make the trip to New Hampshire sometime this Spring to lay a wreath on his grave for all of us. That will have to do. Right now, your prayers are more important to Paddy than any visit could possibly be.

 

> Dear Joe,

>     I talked to Kathy Jensen and to Mikey. Mikey does not think Mother should know and while he is willing to go with the majority, that is his vote. I  told him you and I had already decided to go with his decision so she will not be old.

 

>     In light of that decision there will be no obituary or service of any  kind in Buffalo. I do not have Nancy's work no. and have been communicating with her by email re Paddy so I emailed her. I called Jimmy and told him and told him not to call Mother but even if he tries you can't get through to her at Mikey's. She doesn't answer the phone.  I called Billy's work no. and left the message for him. So that’s everyone but Marie and we agreed there was no reason to contact her even if we could.

 

>     I called the bank and they said if you are not executor you can't touch the funds. It has to go through probate. I don't want to sound mercenary and call Kathy Jensen again today but will call in a couple days and see if she has  a contact no. in probate. My hope is that because the vets are handling it they will know there is family to contact but I will follow up. I was praying Paddy would not die on your birthday so I am grateful for  that. Celebrate your birthday and rejoice that he is finally out of his pain on  this earth. He was dealt a tough hand and never got a break. I am grateful he has gone to a better place. I will be in touch..        Love, Mary

 

Mary,

     Well, the deed is done, as they say. Let’s see what happens. I talked to Paddy’s social worker,  Kathy Jensen again today and asked that whatever personal effects of Paddy's are left, they should be shipped to me, instead of Mom. I think one check may make it through to her, but Mikey can deal with that. The funeral home handling the interment will forward me the location of the gravesite. I will make a pilgrimage to New Hampshire, sometime this Spring, to lay a wreath at Paddy's Grave for all of us.

 

As you suggest, Mom will find out in time. Perhaps the severity of the shock will be lessened by the distance in time of the event. In any case, Mike is capable enough to deal with the event. You and the other siblings can help to apply balm to the wound when she calls any of you to complain. If and when mom does find out, I will then put an obit in the Buffalo News to let the rest of friends and family know of his passing.

 

Prendiamo, Un journo ala volta. (Let's take one day at a time.)

 

                                                  Joey

 

 

 

 

 

Mary,

      I wouldn't give a thought to what the Manchester VA staff thinks about your calls. I would guess that they are appreciative that someone cares enough to ask after Paddy. They have many patients whom no one cares about at all.

 

      I think we were on the right track with our original thoughts. I don't really care what the locals think. Your Mother should be informed of his passing and interment in a military cemetery by the VA. She can have a thousand service and masses said locally, if that is her choice. There isn't any need for contention here. Paddy wasn't around for forty years, there isn't any sense in treating him like a close-held relative now. Prayers and respect for his passing are all that's required. Besides, the VA may be footing the expenses because he has no one legally responsible. If a family member steps up and starts meddling, they may well say "fine," you bury him.

 

      Paddy is without children, like me. It won't matter in a few years where he is buried. I think I may be one of the few who visits our own family plots in Holy Cross. After I am gone, they will remain anonymous like the rest of our clan buried there. Paddy will get a flag planted on his grave every Veteran's Day and be treated with respect by a grateful nation for his service. That is a pretty good deal, all things considered.

 

      There is no "right way" to handle these things, no matter how many times we go through them. You just try and do what is the decent thing and hope everyone else signs on. Criticism is silly. Those whose noses get easily out of joint are just looking for an excuse to be annoyed.

 

      We will see this through like did all the others. I only hope those left  show as much consideration when you and I pass on.

 

                                                 Joey

 

P.S. I forgot about Paddy's French-Somalian, Peace Corps Service and his archery hobby. I will continue to add items like this as I think of them. We can collaborate on a joint piece latter on and ship it out to the siblings as a 

memorial.

2/27/04

 

 

Dear Joe,

 

               You are welcome to come and visit. My calendar is clear until Easter weekend when I am planning a trip to Michael's for his 40th birthday. You know you  are old when your kids are hitting such milestones.

 

  I know what you are talking about with the moroseness that settles on you, with the death of another sibling. It seems to bring back a lot of painful  memories of other deaths and an ongoing awareness of the dysfunction of the  family which you can suppress most days.

 

I mourn for the useless life that Paddy led and wish that there was some way I could have helped him. Billy called me after the phone message I left him and had his usual no nonsense approach. He did not agree with not telling Mother but understood the  decision. He said Joey is active in sports and doing well. He is happy with his job and Kathleen has a few minor medical problems but is doing okay.

 

 JIm's response when he answered the phone and heard my voice, was "oh,  Jesus!"  I know you know the feeling of being the family "crepe hanger".  In any event, he called me back after he had digested it and asked for Nancy's number. He then said he didn't have Billy's or yours. He did call Nancy and they had a nice long talk which she enjoyed.

 

 Keep putting one foot in front of the other...that's all you can do.

 

                                Love, Mary