The Talkmonsters

                       The Talkmonsters

I have always been amazed by the ability of friends and colleagues who can literally talk forever. Most of us are gabbers by nature. Especially, after we have had a few beers or worse, several large cups of caffeinated coffee.

  Coffee seems to be the magical drug that can transform a veritable conversational clam into a raging “talk monster.” Even after spending my life in the political arena, where talkers are common and lengthy, ego-blown tirades, are the norm, I still can’t imagine how the talkmonsters come up with all of the stuff that they have to say.

Most of us are born with a filter in our brain that assembles random thoughts and formulates a considered reply in grammatically appropriate language, either as commentary on a given subject or as a response to an inquiry. After a few seconds, of thought, we complete several connected sentences to convey an idea or give a considered response.

What I think the talk monsters lack is that crucial filter in the brain that filters out random verbalization and constructs considered verbal replies. Without that filter, any thought however random, can enter the conversation in a seemingly endless verbal onslaught that can make even the most patient person want to run screaming from the room to escape.

  The Talk monsters seem to verbally progress in a tangential application of applied logic. In this way,  they verbally proceed on a conversational path until some roadblock in their brain recognizes a conversational point associated with something they have uttered and then pivots conversationally into another direction, until a second, third or scream inducing fourth conversational pivot continues the verbal barrage.

Most of the folks, afflicted with this malady, are above average in intelligence. They are well mannered and considerate usually. They simply have this conversational ailment that makes people look through the curtains when they hear them ringing door bell and not answering the door. It is that, or budgeting several hours to hear, in person or on the phone, the latest verbal barrage.

 Sometimes, even when it is impolite, I will interrupt the streaming dialogue of a talkmonster in an attempt to divert or silence them. Alas, it doesn’t work. The verbal onslaught continues until you find any excuse to escape. Like needing to wash your car or get your dog ready for his citizen ship class. Any ruse gives you an excuse to run for the door and blessed silence.

   In my considered opinion, caffeine should be on the controlled substances list. Its consumption should only be allowed to those of us “junior talkers” who don’t dominate a conversation and drive others to run screaming into the streets.

  So, when next you find yourself in this situation, you wish to smile and think of yourself running screaming into the streets yelling “stop,” “stop:” “shut the hell up.” It might not save you from the verbal onslaught, but might at least give you a chance to smile, suck it up and listen bravely on.

                           -30-

                  (506 words)

                Joseph Xavier Martin