Night Shift (play)

We see Robert sitting behind a cash register. He is wearing a green apron and bow tie. The lights are dimmed, there is no one else on stage, and shelves with food and supplies are visible to the audience. Robert looks bored as he reads a magazine and sullenly flips through its pages. His boss enters from stage left, and the lights brighten. Robert stands up suddenly.

BOSS: You ready for your first night shift, boy?
ROBERT: Yes, sir.
BOSS: Not many people buy groceries at night, so it’ll probably be pretty boring.
ROBERT: Yes, sir.
BOSS: See you in the morning. Call me if there’s trouble.

Boss exits and a bell tinkles as he leaves.

Robert resumes his seat behind the cash register and continues to flip through the magazine. The lights dim.

There is about a 5-second pause before the lights brighten again and the bell tinkles violently as a couple furiously making out bursts through the door.

ROBERT: Welcome to Quickie Mart!

The couple ignores him and they continue kissing passionately.

ROBERT: Is there anything I can help you with? We have an egg salad sale tonight.

The couple continues kissing, but move in Robert’s direction.

ROBERT: We also have several different brands of lotion on sale!

MAN: Do you have any…………uh………
(he kisses the girl again)

ROBERT: (grins slyly)
They’re in aisle 9.

(he winks and points to the sign titled “Personal Health”)

MAN: (looking horrified)
No, not those. Do you have any……
(kisses girl again)

ROBERT: Sexual protection devices? Aisle 9.

MAN: (interrupts)
Peaches.

ROBERT: What?

MAN: Peaches. Where are your peaches?

ROBERT: ……….peaches.

MAN: Peaches.

ROBERT: Um….aisle 2.

The couple disappears behind the curtain, still kissing furiously.

The lights dim again, and stay dimmed for about 10 seconds, and then brighten again when a man wearing bunny ears and tail staggers in. The bell tinkles as he enters. He is clearly drunk, his movements exaggerated and clumsy, and babbling softly.

ROBERT: Welcome to Quickie Mart!

BUNNY: I didn’t have a father.

Bunny falls to the floor.

ROBERT: Pardon?

BUNNY: I hate kids.

ROBERT: Can I help you with anything?

BUNNY: Can I get a life, to go?

Robert produces a box of Life cereal from underneath his cash register. The bunny burps and shakes his head.

BUNNY: No, no, that kind gives me gas.

ROBERT: Are you all right?

BUNNY: Not really, no. Do you have any……………beer………………….?

ROBERT: We do, but I probably shouldn’t sell you any.

BUNNY: Cut me a break, man. I just got off work and I need a buzz.

ROBERT: Where do you work?

BUNNY: At the fucking mall. (burps)

ROBERT: The mall?

BUNNY: As an Easter bunny. (hiccup) Kids get to pull at my ears and fart on my lap while their parents pay an absurd amount of money to get a darling picture taken.

ROBERT: Why do you work there if you hate it so much?

BUNNY: Pays for cable and beer. And takes away some of the guilt.

ROBERT: Guilt?

BUNNY: I TOLD YOU. I DIDN’T HAVE A FATHER.

ROBERT: But that’s not your fault, right?

BUNNY: I annoyed the hell out of him. He used to come home every day from work and demand a drink, and I would try to drag him outside to play ball.

ROBERT: Like, every kid does that.

BUNNY: No, it was all my fault. He threw himself in front of the ice cream truck and that was it. (breaks down sobbing and crawls across the floor) IT’S ALL MY FAULT.

ROBERT: So…now you’re an Easter bunny?

BUNNY: Yes. It takes away the pain. Some of it, anyway. Not when the kids are fat. (starts sobbing again)

ROBERT: Would you like me to hold you?

BUNNY: NO. GO AWAY. GET OUT OF HERE. I WANT TO BE ALONE.

Bunny passes out on the floor. Robert looks around, then drags his limp body behind the cash register.

The lights dim again. About 10 seconds pass, and then the lights brighten again and the bell tinkles furiously. Another couple bursts onto the stage. The woman looks furious, and the man is trailing behind her.

ROBERT: Welcome to Quickie Mart!

MAN: Je ne sais pas ce que vous voulez que je fasse! Je vous ai obtenu le chat!

WOMAN: Déjame en paz! No quiero hablar con usted nunca más! Yo quería un conejo!

MAN: Vous savez nous ne pouvons pas un lapin! Lapins coûter beaucoup plus que les chats!

The woman starts crying and stomping around.

WOMAN: Déjame en paz, idiota.

MAN:(pulls out a cat from his backpack and begins to move it across the floor)
Regardez! Il vous aime.

WOMAN: No quiero tu gato lástima.

(picks up the cat and throws it across the room. It almost hits Robert, but he ducks)

ROBERT: Can I help you with anything?

The woman stomps over to him and kicks the bottom of his desk.

WOMAN:
Me compró un gato, pero yo quería un conejo!

ROBERT:(gasps) Espèce de salaud!

MAN: (starts crying)Je suis tellement désolé, le miel! Je n'ai pas l'argent! Je vous aime tellement! Vous avez juste aucune idée de combien Je t'aime. Je mourrais pour toi. Vous êtes tellement tellement beau. Je voudrais vous donner tous les lapins dans le monde si je pouvais. S'il vous plaît, s'il vous plaît, pardonnez-moi.

Robert reaches underneath the cashier and holds up the Easter bunny. The bunny comes to consciousness and looks around confusedly.

BUNNY:(mumbling) I didn’t have a father.

The woman jumps up and down.
She leans over to retrieve the Easter bunny, who falls into her arms.

WOMAN
(in Spanish)
Él es perfecto!
¡Te quiero!

(leans over the counter and gives Robert a big smooch)

The woman exits through the curtain with the rabbit while Robert watches longingly, and the man leaves off stage left looking dejected, head hung low.

The lights dim again for about 10 seconds, then light up again when the bell tinkles and a man walks in. He is wearing a hat and blazer, and is walking an invisible dog. It is obvious that the man is very suave and thinks highly of himself.

ROBERT: Welcome to Quickie Mart!

The man pretends to play with the dog, doing various tricks like “sit,” “stay,” “roll over,” “play dead,” and “fetch.”

Robert rolls his eyes.

ROBERT: Is there anything I can help you with?

The man looks up slyly and continues playing with the dog.

Robert sighs again and continues to read his magazine.

MAN: Hey, do you guys have a bathroom?

ROBERT: (looks up) Yeah.

MAN: Will you hold my dog while I go?

ROBERT: (sighs) Really?

MAN: (incredulously) Yeah!

ROBERT: You don’t have a dog.

MAN: Yes, I do!

ROBERT: FINE, I’ll play your little game. But make it quick.

Robert takes the leash from the man’s hand while the man disappears behind the curtain.

About 3 seconds pass. Robert suddenly jerks forward, pulled by the “dog.” He looks startled, and proceeds to be pulled around the stage by the dog. There are barking sounds coming from the dog. He puts up a fight, struggling against the dog, but to no avail. He finally pulls himself over to his cash register station, and uses it to steady himself.

The man reappears on stage.

MAN: Where’s my dog?

ROBERT: What?!

MAN: (angrily) I said, Where’s my dog?.

ROBERT: Um…

MAN: I don’t even believe this. I leave you alone for 10 seconds with her, and you lose her? She was on a goddamn leash!

ROBERT: Uhh…I don’t—

MAN: Don’t give me that, man. Where is she?!

ROBERT: I don’t know! She was right here……………..I think………….

The French-speaking man appears from stage left.

FRENCH MAN: Qu'est-ce qui se passe?

MAN: He lost my dog!

FRENCH MAN: (to Robert) Vraiment? Vous avez perdu son chien?.

MAN: Yes, he did.

FRENCH MAN: (to Man) Je veux dire, je ne sais pas si elle vous fera vous sentir mieux, mais j'ai un chat que vous pouvez emprunter.

MAN: Yes. Yes, please. That would be lovely.

The cat from the previous scene is thrown across the stage from stage right and lands at the man’s feet.

MAN: Oh, wow! This is so great! Thank you so much!

The man and the French man both exit at the same time to stage left, the man’s arm around the French man. The man squeezes the French man’s butt right before they are completely offstage.

The lights dim and stay dimmed for about 10 seconds as the first couple enters again from behind the curtain, still kissing furiously. They say nothing to Robert, but leave off stage left.

The bell tinkles as Robert’s boss walks in from stage left.

BOSS: So what did I tell you……….pretty boring, eh?

ROBERT: (looks at audience) Yeah, pretty boring.