Watching

It’s been ten years now since I left. When I went they got a dog. He sees me watching, suspicious, but no one else knows I’m there. I didn’t want to leave of course but I simply had no choice. In the beginning I tried to stay but I knew I couldn’t. A man came and told me it was time. I wanted to protect them, that was all. Even after all this time I long to explain but there is no going back.

My daughter she’s grown up now, married, children of her own. I’m a granddad. I’ve seen her cry, when she’s alone, when she thinks no one is watching. A turn of the head, a touch of the nose then back to smiles. Sometimes I think she sees me. A faint glimmer of recognition passes across her face when she glances my way, but then she looks straight through me to a distant place.

She always has played her cards very close to her chest. Never really let anyone see the full picture. Keeping so much hidden from view. I met her husband, before they were married. When I asked her about him she told me he was her best friend. She would be lost without him. She looked out of the window to hide a tear and I knew then he was the one.

My son too is grown from the boy I knew, married a home of his own. He likes to fix things. He doesn’t have to think then. We used to fix things together, I miss that. I feel that by going when he was so young I have changed the course his life was set to take. He has all he needs, he is happy and he is young enough to appreciate the freedom that it brings.

I love them of course. When they went into the attic after I was gone they found the things I left behind. They cried that day but at least their discoveries left them in no doubt. We were a team.

My wife was strong when I moved away. Looked after everyone. Shared everything the way we always had. Was so positive. I just wanted to reach out, hold her together. In the end I think she saved us all.

They moved of course which made it easier. Memories left behind, a new house fresh and clean a new start. Only it’s not that simple is it?

They were always looking. After a few years she found where I was hiding. She followed me one day. Caught up with me along the cliffs. She knew I’d be there as she’d seen me before. Took her a while to build up the courage to ask if it was really me. I’d been waiting for her. I knew she would come. I waited somewhere she was bound to find me but where I could remain hidden, anonymous. It was like we had never been apart.

We couldn’t tell the children but how could they not know? It is hard to get a message to them without giving away our secret.

My granddaughter sees me. I heard her talking about the man with the beard. Her mum asked her what the man was wearing. The response made her tearful, hopeful it was me. The man in the blue jumper, grey trousers, but no tie. She looked for me but I was concealed in the shadows.

I walk the same path as them just a step out of time. Watching. Longing to explain and protect them from their pain. But that is death. I wanted to stay but in the end I had to leave. I wasn’t ready but that is life.