Hindsight

“We’ve lost another one!” Loud shouts came across the large room.  An eerie silence followed for a moment, until the footsteps came.  The staff were removing another body from the bed.  This wasn’t a daily occurrence; this was happening several times throughout the day.  It was an organised operation when someone died; designated staff would come and carry off the body, while another member of staff would quickly strip the bed and another would sanitise and prepare the bed for another victim of this virus.

Nineteen-year-old Olivia Smyth was lying on one of the beds in the makeshift hospital; hearing the commotion around her, as her body fought hard against the virus.  Her eyes were closed and her chest felt incredibly heavy. This virus was attacking every morsel of energy she had.  She was barely conscious at times but she tried hard to open her heavy eyelids.  Olivia wished that she could wake up from this awful nightmare but this wasn’t a bad dream. She had never felt anything like this in her entire life. She couldn’t move; she felt glued to the bed, as her organs battled.  When she was conscious, her mind raced so much.  She felt torn with thoughts of regret and fear of death.  It really was awful.  Is this my fate? Olivia watched as another body was taken away.  She had seen it happen nine times before.  A tear fell from her eye, as she thought about the poor souls whose lives were cruelly taken. The stark reality of the situation was that these people were dying with no family around them; no one to hold their hands, while their life slipped out of their bodies. Olivia could see how quickly that the empty bed was being changed and prepared for the next victim.  That’s what they were, victims.  She didn’t know who long she had been there; lying in the large tent, which had been set up as a temporary hospital.  Only, this wasn’t a hospital.  It felt more like purgatory.  A limbo between life and death.  The deaths here were higher than the success rates. There was very little medical equipment in this place. There were no ventilator or medical facilities, like you would find in a hospital.  The staff were Armed Forces and only few were medically trained.  Resources were extremely stretched everywhere.  Olivia couldn’t help but feel abandoned in this horrific place, where she would be left to die, unless her body fought hard against this virus.

When the ambulance staff collected her, in her breathless and barely conscious state, they warned her that her name was on a list of people guilty of flaunting the rules of lockdown.  Olivia remembered the news report that outlined that only those people who had adhered to the government guidance, would get priority treatment.  She had a black mark against her name. She couldn’t deny that she was one of many people who had disobeyed the government rules during the months of lockdown.  She had carried on regardless of the warnings.  Despite the protests and pleading of people to stay safe inside, Olivia believed she wasn’t vulnerable to this stupid virus.  She had read reports about herd immunity and that young people weren’t being affected by the virus. She was young.  She thought that only old people and those with underlying health problems were susceptible to the virus. She was healthy. Like many of her friends, Olivia thought that the powers in control were making a big deal over nothing.  Sadly, she, like many other flouters, learned the hard way.  All those news bulletins requesting people stay indoors; they weren’t kidding.  This wasn’t a joke. The ambulance staff explained that due to the stretched resources across the country, people on the list were being sent to large camps with very little medical equipment.  Olivia felt terrified; scared that she had been left to die but she had no one else to blame. 

The screams and demands of her fellow patients were met with stern responses from the staff.  Olivia witnessed the fear and panic around her.  There was a sense of entitlement from some; people demanding that they deserved better than the treatment they were getting.  For some, like herself, they realised that they were getting what they deserved.  The staff were trying to be as supportive as possible; they were doing the jobs given to them.  One of the senior staff gave a stern talking to some of the people.  Olivia heard the words; soaking them in deeply:

You are in Camp Davenport. I get that you are terrified and you are expecting more assistance with your battled against Covid19 but you failed to listen to rules.  Why should you be given preferential treatment above someone who did? There is very little medical equipment here.  We have no access to ventilators, drip lines or heart monitors.  You will know the NHS are bursting at their seams dealing with this virus. You may ask about your Human Rights and demand you deserve better.  I ask you to stop and think about all those people you put at risk and who potentially died as a result of your actions.

Olivia tried to breathe through the pain of recalling these words.  I could have prevented this! She could have made better choices during the lockdown.  Her body ached as she thought about her actions.  This wasn’t just a physical fight with this virus, it was a mental one too.  Olivia never went to church but she prayed that God would give her the strength to survive.  She had so many regrets.  She felt naïve and stupid for the choices she made.  She was barely an adult but she thought she was above the rules.  She hated the idea of someone stopping her going out and telling her that she couldn’t see her friends.  In the early days, her parents had been lenient. They too didn’t understand the seriousness but as time went on, her mother demanded she stayed in and this caused a lot of arguments between them.  She refused to listen to them and her father resolved to give her the keys to the caravan, where she could take care of herself.  Stubbornly, Olivia decided that she wasn’t going to be caged because of this virus. The lockdown was only for a short period of time but she couldn’t see that.  The scare mongering wouldn’t stop them from carrying on.  She wasn’t alone in feeling that way. Her father was furious that she was putting herself and them at risk. She knew he was right.  Will had history of cancer and his body was weak. They were petrified that the virus would kill him. Olivia felt rejected by them when she couldn’t get back in the house but she understood now. What if I gave this to him? She loved her kid brother. Her actions were dangerous but she hadn’t thought about that at the time.  I put them all in harms way.

The beautiful weather during Easter had been warm and tempting.  Olivia ignored the social distancing rules, in order to party with her friends. They would meet up in secluded areas, keeping away from prying eyes but there was always someone who spotted them and moved them on.  The police got involved a few times.  The officers took their names and she was warned that she would be fined or imprisoned if she kept meeting up with her friends.  Some of her friends backed down and she realised that she had to be careful but then Andy admitted his feelings to her.  She had tried to keep away; tried to distance herself and keep it to face time but their urges took over.  He snuck into the caravan late one night and their relationship took a giant leap forward.  She had slept with a guy before but it was different with him. It was like a sexual awakening for her and she craved him every minute of the day.  They spent a lot of time together; meeting up when Andy returned from his job.  He was still going out and facing the public.  He worked in transport.  Stupidly, Olivia never thought about Andy being a risk to her.  He was working with the general public; amongst those who still had to use the train to get to their jobs.  The virus was a silent assailant.  Some people were walking carriers; unaware they were passing the virus around and creating victims.  A few weeks after they started dating, Andy started to cough badly.  He refused to come around, realising they were in trouble.  Olivia stayed in the caravan terrified to speak or see anyone.  She face-timed Andy but he was getting sicker. Olivia could see the deterioration in him.  He had red eyes and looked grey.  She phoned an ambulance to his flat but heard nothing after that.  As she wasn’t family, no one would tell her of his condition.  She ignored her own deterioration, while she panicked for her boyfriend. The virus overwhelmed her quickly.  She lay in bed, sleeping for hours.  Her parents had been worried when she didn’t answer calls and shouts, they called for an ambulance.

As she lay there, struggling to breathe, Olivia couldn’t help but regret her choices.  It would have been so different if she had just listened to her parents and the authorities.  She could have enjoyed the weather from the safety of the garden.  She could have kept in contact with her friends by her phone; keeping the safe distances required of her.  If she had stayed away, she could have been at home, safe with her loved ones.  Her heart ached as she thought of her parents who would be going out of their minds with worry. They had begged her; pleaded with her to stop being selfish and to stay at home.  She worried about Andy.  She had now way of knowing his fate and she was terrified that he was gone.  He was twenty-two years old; a young man with a good future ahead of him.  He had been as ignorant as her.  He admitted he had been breaking the rules to see her. Olivia held onto that moment; it brought her a tiny piece of happiness in this darkness.  She wondered how many people both young and old, thought they could carry on and ignored the warnings?  She wondered how many people spread this virus through their own selfish actions? I have been so self-absorbed. Hindsight was a good thing but it wasn’t a cure.

 “We have another one!” A voice thundered through the room.