Let it Snow

Ben pressed his nose against the glass window staring at the world below him. He let out a long deep sigh, disappointed that there wasn’t even as much as a drop of snow on the ground. He was so desperate for snow to recapture the memories of last Christmas when they played in the white wonderland thick of snow and they were happy. It was the best time of his life. His mother had made them all put their jackets on and they made a big snowman and created angels as they lay their backs on the snow. He laughed as he remembered how his father had attacked them with snowballs; catching mum and Jenny on their heads and making them chase him along the street. Buddy barked loudly around them as they all played. Ben hoped that the snow would bring back those memories, those happy times before sadness filled the house and the prospect of Christmas was no longer a joyful one. Buddy joined Ben on the bed and climbed onto the windowsill. He looked out and back at Ben; licking his face and wagging his tail. Ben smiled at the little dog that was so desperate for his attention. ‘You want to go out don’t you?’ Buddy responded by barking, jumping on the bed and back on the windowsill. ‘Come on then Budster,’ Ben laughed as he jumped off his bed and ran downstairs with the Jack Russell hot on his heels. He ran into the living-room to grab his coat and stopped as he saw his mother holding his brother closely. Jacob looked so small and frail in her arms. His hair was starting to grow back in small tufts. He looked up and they shared a look; an understanding of how each other felt. Ben smiled and waved at Jacob before grabbing his coat while Buddy jumped on the sofa licked Jacob’s face and followed Ben out the door. They ran around the garden and Ben giggled as his dog tried to lift a stick three times his size. ‘Oh you are silly,’ he chuckled. He looked back and saw Jacob at the window. They smiled and waved again. Jacob looked sad because he couldn’t come out and join them in their play. Ben tried cheering him up by making Buddy do some daft things it wasn’t really hard as the dog was crazy.

It wasn’t long ago that they all played together; when life was blissful and there wasn’t a care in the world but now their lives were filled with doctor’s appointments; hospital visits and chemotherapy. Six months ago Ben didn’t even know what cancer was; he was nine years old and carefree now he was versed in medical terminology regarding his brother’s condition. He listened to his parents argue and cry together; he knew that it meant Jacob didn’t have much time left. Jenny didn’t say much about it; she was too preoccupied with her new boyfriend Steven; lipstick and boring old pop music. He was frightened to ask his brother but Jacob seemed to know what was going on in his mind. He told him that one day he would be in heaven playing on the clouds while they all stayed on Earth. They would know he was with them because he would throw snowballs at them when it snowed and when it rained, Jacob told him he would be peeing on them. They laughed about that for days. When it rained they wondered who had been peeing; when it rained nonstop they giggled that there were lots of people on clouds peeing on their families. Despite the laughter Ben felt sad thinking that his brother would soon be gone from their lives and that things would never be the same again. The boys did everything together; despite their year age gap they were more like twins. The ‘terrible twosome’ their Granny called them as they caused mischief. The played tricks on their big sister and stole things from her room to make her mad. Jenny knew what they were up to and she got them back from time to time but as Jacob got more poorly, Ben found himself having to annoy his sister and then tell Jacob when he visited him in hospital. They would concoct plans to wind up Jenny. Jacob’s latest trick was to replace all the pop CDs with their Dad’s horrible rock music. It drove her mad. Ben smiled as he recalled Jacob’s laughter as he told him Jenny’s reaction. He loved his brother’s laugh it was so infectious; one of those laughs that came right from the belly. He would end up rolling on the floor laughing with him at cartoons and other stupid things even if he didn’t find them funny. He would miss that laugh.

Caroline grabbed her coat and went outside to join her elder son in the garden. She left Kevin with Jacob while she had a talk with Ben. Ben was running around the back yard with Buddy barking loudly. She watched them for a moment with a heavy heart. It pained her to think that she would one day have this conversation but Jacob wasn’t getting any better and he would soon need to go into hospital permanently. They weren’t even sure he should be out for Christmas but Jacob protested and they wanted his last days to be about him and not all about hospitals and medication. The nurses visited daily and despite his life expectancy it was as though Jacob seemed better being with the family. ‘Hi Ben,’ Caroline said to her son, interrupting his game. She walked towards him and took his hand. ‘Let’s go sit on the bench,’ she said to him. Buddy stopped barking as if he instinctively knew that it wasn’t the right time to be making noise. He followed them to the bench and lay at Ben’s feet as they sat down. ‘You know why I’m here don’t you?’ She waited for him to look up at her with those large green eyes but instead he lowered his head giving a slight nod. ‘It’s nearly Christmas and it might be the only one we have left with Jacob,’ Caroline explained. Ben didn’t look at her. It all seemed real as she spoke to him. ‘I know you boys are very close but we need to be strong for your brother; keep smiling and be happy around him even when he feels really poorly okay?’

‘I know he’s going to die,’ Ben said sadly. ‘We’ve talked about it.’

‘You have?’ Caroline was a little surprised by his words.

‘Jacob told me that I have to pick a few toys and then we will give the rest to charity,’ Ben exclaimed. ‘He asked me to write letters to you, Dad and Jenny. I’m keeping them safe until, ‘Ben struggled to keep it together as he saw his mother crying. ‘It’s okay mummy,’ he told her. ‘Jacob said he has already picked out a little cloud in the sky where he can watch us.’

Caroline wrapped her arms around her son and held him close to her. He was nine years old and so brave; much braver than she could ever imagine. Jenny struggled with it; she was thirteen, at an awkward emotional age but her boy was amazing. ‘You know Daddy and I are going to be very upset,’ Caroline told him. ‘But when you need a cuddle or a great big kiss,’ she said pressing her lips against his cheek. ‘You know we have them aplenty and you don’t need to give us a penny for one either.’ They laughed at her last words. It was a family joke that when they needed a cuddle they had to pay for them; a game they had played for years. She left her boy sitting on the bench while she went back inside to give Jacob his medicine. It surprised her how easy their chat had been but knowing the Jacob was already preparing had scared her a little. The nurses said it was a stage of cancer that most patients dealt with; towards the last days many come to terms with their leaving this world.

‘How was he?’ Kevin asked his wife.

‘Better than expected,’ Caroline welled up as she told him about their conversation. Kevin felt proud of his sons. He held his wife in his arms and kissed her. ‘I’ll go out and see the little guy,’ he said as they swapped children duties. Caroline joined Jacob on the couch with a glass of water and some tablets. He groaned a little having to swallow more but Kevin gave him thumbs up for encouragement. Ben wasn’t in the garden when he went outside. Buddy was scraping at the fence desperately trying to get out and follow him. Kevin looked around but the boy was nowhere to be seen. It wasn’t like him to just disappear without telling them and certainly not like him to go somewhere without Buddy. He grabbed the dog’s lead and told Buddy to find Ben. Kevin suspected that he had headed to the woods. The boys seemed to like playing down there. He found Ben down at the thicket past a few oaks. He was kicking and punching at a tree and screaming loudly. Kevin waited a few minutes to let the boy get his frustrations out before letting the dog of the leash and alerting him of their presence. Once Ben had slumped to the ground and rested his head in his hands, he let Buddy go. The little dog ran quickly to see his little master and licked his face. ‘Hey,’ Kevin smiled waving at his son from a distance. Ben got to his feet and ran to his Dad. He wrapped his arms around Kevin’s waist tightly and cried. ‘It’s all right my boy,’ Kevin said rubbing his back. ‘Just let it out. Just let it out.’ They stood there like that for about ten minutes then Ben wiped his eyes and started making his way home. Kevin took a few deep breaths; it was one of the hardest things in the world watching his family succumb to cancer. He would protect them from anything but this adversary was rotten and underhanded he couldn’t beat it no matter how hard he tried. He had to remain strong for Jacob; to keep smiling and to be there for his wife and other children during the darkest hours.

Christmas morning came and went; Jacob had bought them all something special with the help of his Grandmother. There were tears and laughter and more laughter. He seemed weaker that day but no one could take the smile from his face as he watched his brother wrestle with the wrapping paper to find the gifts inside. He had asked his parents not to buy him anything except a pair of Buzz Lightyear Pyjamas that he could take with him to heaven but they bought him a brand new Buzz Lightyear toy to go with them. He was happy they had ignored his advice and played with his toy when he had the strength to. He lay on the couch with Buddy and Princess Cocopops their Burmese cat who loved nothing more than snuggling in with him. The cat even tolerated Buddy who seemed to be a little less excitable despite the endless amounts of visitors they had. Ben sat with his brother and watched Christmas cartoons until Jacob closed his eyes for a little nap. He kissed his forehead and then went to the window hoping to see the snow he had wished for but it was nowhere to be seen. He felt sad that his memory could not be revisited and that they couldn’t have the same carefree moments. His sister joined him at the window and threw her arms around his neck. ‘Don’t worry Benji,’ Jenny told him. ‘Even though it hasn’t snowed we had a great day. Look at our Jacob, he’s sleeping with a big smile on his face.’ Ben turned around and looked at his little brother. He seemed very peaceful and happy as he clung tightly to his new toy wearing his new pyjamas. That night as the boys cuddled in bed together Jacob told Ben he had to go to hospital the following day. Ben put on their favourite film Elf and they laughed at Will Ferrell. They had named their little dog after his character Buddy. Caroline had popped her head round the door as she heard the boys laughing loudly; she was about to tell them to sleep but they were having such a lovely time she couldn’t bear to chastise them. Instead, she beckoned Kevin to come watch them and he held her as they watched their boys having a great time.

Jacob spent the next few days in hospital surrounded by his family who all came to see him; his health was deteriorating as the days went on and to many of the people who came to visit, it became apparent that they were saying goodbye to the special little kid with the big heart. It was New Years Eve when Ben and Jenny stayed with him while their parents took Granny home. Jacob was so weak that he could barely speak but his siblings knew what he wanted. They cuddled in together watching SpongeBob laughing at silly Patrick; while Jacob couldn’t laugh, Ben could feel him moving as if a laugh were trying to escape from his belly. The smile on his brother’s face told him that he was happy. Jenny wrapped her arms around both of them kissing their heads every so often. Ben noticed something from the bed and jumped off to check the window just then his parents walked in and joined Jacob and Jenny on the bed for a family hug. ‘Look,’ Ben said excitedly. ‘Look Jake,’ he said pointing out the window. ‘It’s snowing!’ Jacob looked up and smiled as he saw the snow. Ben ran back and joined the family as they watched the snow falling thickly outside. It was beautiful watching the winter take its grasp on the land covering everything in white. Jacob slipped away in their arms, wearing his Buzz Lighyear pyjamas with a beautiful big smile on his face.