Big Bird Get's R-Rated

We all have those friends or rather acquaintances that you one time and then you added each other on Facebook and occasionally you see an update about them and think who the hell is that guy? You would delete them but Facebook makes it so complicated it’s not even really worth the trouble when it’s all said and done.
Once in a blue moon one of those acquaintances will attempt to talk to you and you’ll actually end up having a lovely conversation and hitting it off. It was one such acquaintance that brought me to meet one of his friends that will be the star of this particular story.
The acquaintance’s name was James and he was an all right guy. A little on the heavy side and just not very physically attractive looking to me but his personality was pretty good. James and I talked back and forth for a week or two before he asked me to come up and visit him at his college, a large state school a couple hours away.
For some reason that is still unclear to me I took James up on this crazy offer and decided to make the trip. I’m not sure if it was the fact that I had checked out I checked out some of his very hot frat brothers Facebook profiles or that I was just itching to do something a little crazy, but I arranged to go there that weekend.
I was so nervous to spend the whole weekend with someone I barely knew. What if it was horribly awkward or he tried to hit on me? Worst come to worst I could always just make up an excuse to leave and come home early.
I had perfect timing with my arrival making it there right when James had to leave to go to an honors dinner for his frat that I couldn’t attend. Not knowing anyone else there and without anything to really do for the next few hours in his small college town I jumped on the opportunity to go hang out at some of his friend’s house for the next few hours. He dropped me off like a parent taking their child to a new daycare center for the first time. That is if the daycare center was really a frat house and had no idea whose child I was or where I came from.
James hastily introduced me to the guys sitting around the TV drinking beer then left before I could even introduce myself. Let me tell you, those first five minutes were probably the most uncomfortable of my entire life. They looked at me like I was a martian from another planet.
“So you’re like James’ sister or something?” one of the guys who identified himself as ‘Chops’ asked.
Some close friends these guys are, James doesn’t even have a sister. “No I’m Kiah. I’m a friend from out of town,” I replied in my most charming, girly voice.
“Oh well cool. Want a beer?”
That was all it took to break the ice, accepting a beer that I barely drank and eventually would pour out in the bushes when they weren’t looking because I despise the substance. We decided to go outside to play horseshoes while we attempted to find some sort of common ground or anything to talk about. Eventually they just carried on the conversation between themselves and left me to wonder what the hell I was doing in here in some random frat house with complete strangers. Little did I know my night would get substantially weirder.
James was gone for a solid 3 hours in which time more people arrived at the frat house including some girls that I was quickly able to bond with over our clothes and disgust at the upkeep of the frat house. When James did arrive I didn’t really need him to hold my hand and entertain me because I was doing a plenty fine job of it myself.
Dusk was nearing and the hard alcohol was just beginning to get poured when one of the girls screamed “TAG!” and everyone began running around the cul-de-sac frantically. It was while doing this that I ran right into Big Bird. When I say that was his name I am being completely honest in that was how everyone identified him. It wasn’t until much further into the night that I even bothered to ask what his given name was.
The story goes that the day Big Bird showed up to put in his bid to be apart of the frat he was wearing a bright yellow shirt. Being that he measures well over 6 feet tall the name Big Bird was instantly given to him and it stuck. Despite the Sesame Street name, Big Bird was actually quite good looking. He was tall with messy blonde hair and bright blue eyes. He had a carefree look about him that made it impossible to not smile when he did. The best way to describe him would be as an oversized child.
As the darkness fell the party really began. James seemed to be a little upset that I didn’t need to stick by his side the whole night. Once I had a bit of vodka in me I was the life of the party. I told jokes, laughed when was appropriate and tried my best to be the life of the party. I hadn’t planned on drinking very much because I didn’t want to embarrass myself around people I hardly knew. I had to uphold my reputation as being a classy lady. As you can probably guess already I kind of failed on that front. But hey, who hasn’t had a moment of stupidity? Or several moments…
Three Olive Cake vodka was my weapon of choice that night. Luckily it was so smooth it went down easy with no chaser. I also liked to think drinking vodka on the rocks made me look like a hard ass. There I was sipping on my drink just taking in the environment and striking up a conversation with whoever happened to take a seat next to me. It was about this time that one clearly already intoxicated frat boy urged me to join the dance party going on in the other room.
In my previous experience I had found that the best way to deal with drunken people is to distract them and tell you’ll be there in a minute. They tend to completely forget about whatever they asked you to do with them but don’t get into that annoying begging relentlessly speech drunks do.
“I’ll come dance in a little bit. Just let me finish my drink first,” I said thinking that I had successfully navigated the awkward situation. Within seconds the entire room burst into one of those ever so clever frat-drinking songs. While the actual song escapes me (nothing to do with the alcohol consumed moments later), it went a little something like them.
“Drink mother f***er, drink mother f***er, drink mother f***er, drink!”
That verse was repeated over and over and supposedly the only way to make it stop was to chug your drink, the drink that I had planned on lasting me the next couple of hours. With no other way out I chugged a much to large quantity of cake vodka with some even managing to miss my lips and dribbling down my chin. I slammed my glass down triumphant that I had down it without losing my dinner. By that point they decided that I had, had enough torture so I was let off of having to go dance.
“I have 15 minutes left in me to have coherent conversations!” I announced to the room. Unfortunately, 15 minutes was much to generous of allowance.
Big Bird had been the reigning beer pong champion of the night and was in the market for a new partner. I was no good at the game the small handful of times I had played but with liquid courage coursing through my veins I readily volunteered. My skilled teammate easily sunk his first shot while I generously overshot mine.
“Damn,” I said almost to myself. “Oh! I meant dang. I’m so sorry I’m not usually vulgar.” In my head I was questioning myself as to why on earth I said that. I definitely wasn’t one to use profanity frequently but I was in a frat house, drinking and damn wasn’t really that bad of a word. But then my brain caught up to my mouth that was quicker on the uptake. I was playing the sweet and innocent card with this man-child. Trying to pull off a sultry, vixen would have been nearly impossible for me to do regardless but innocent, good girl I could do.
“That’s all right you didn’t offend me at all,” he replied with a slight smile on his lips. Over the course of the evening we won four games. Well, he won four games I just made my obligatory one shot for each game. I remember being extremely excited about the fact that we won and telling everyone at the party that we were WINNERS!
With none of my girl pack in attendance I was forced to bond with a random girl there to go to the bathroom with me. It is a well-known rule in girl code that we must always go to the bathroom together. The lesser-known rule is that this applies even when no actual girlfriends are around. This girl, whose name I never caught went willingly with me while we both giggled and gossiped like we had know each other for more than the 5 minutes we actually had.
I lost my newfound friend somewhere on the way back to the party where I somehow began a conversation on the physical attractiveness of penis’s. So much for playing the innocent, good girl, I don’t think Big Bird was around at this point to notice.
“No girl actually wants to see a penis,” I argued to the boy sitting next to me. “I just don’t get why they would send a girl a picture of it. It’s gross and we’re just going to show it to our friends to make fun of anyway.”
“I disssagree,” the drunk girl next to me slurred. “I think my boyfran’s penis is lovely.” The unfortunate boyfriend attempted to no avail to stop his girlfriend’s drunken profession.
“But I mean penis’s are kind of ugly and gross. The purpose is to be felt not seen,” I rebutted. “Boobs those are attractive but they really don’t serve a sexual purpose other than looking hot.”
This rather colorful conversation went on for a while longer and as we neared 2 AM to party began to dwindle. I found myself curled up against Big Bird on the couch, nearly lulled to sleep by the rhythm of his breathing. The original plan was for me to spend the night in James’ dorm room. I would take his bed while he slept on the couch. Though I’m sure he was hoping he would end up sharing the bed with me by the end of the night. Disappointment showed in his face as I left the party hand in hand with Big Bird. We somehow made it all the way back to his dorm building though I had absolutely no idea what path we took to get there.
The building itself was vaguely familiar to me for a reason I couldn’t place. I later realized that it was the same residence hall I stayed in for my week of debate camp. Though my previous trip was much less scandalous than this one. We were acting like to lovers that had just begun their honeymoon as the front desk attendant wrote down my visitor information. Big Bird was already at the elevator eager to get back to his empty room; the roommate was gone for the weekend. We somehow fumbled our way onto his futon bunk bed, really adult, I know. After some effort we managed to both get our clothes off for what could only be described as an acrobatic performance.
When it was over we just lied there not saying a word. I asked if he had a shirt I could borrow since I had left all my belongings in James’ apartment. He handed me an oversized tee shirt and went to around the wall to the other side of the double room. It was pitch black dark in the room so I could only assume that he was changing into sleep clothes. As I lay there the minutes dragged on and the silence coming from the other side of the room became deafening.
I slowly realized that he wasn’t coming back and that I really had to pee. I fell into a restless sleep and woke up having to pee even worse than before. Much to my dismay he lived in a dorm with a community bathroom so I would need to go find the women’s bathroom, which seemed a to be to daunting of a task for my hung over pants less state. I waited till I heard Big Bird moving around in the other room and I did my cutest just waking up stretch.
“When is James coming to pick you up?” Big Bird asked coldly.
“Uhhh, I haven’t called him yet,” I squeaked out.
“Ok well I’m leaving to go to the fundraiser in a few minutes so…”
That awkward drawn out so that speaks volumes to the fact that they really just want you to be out of their hair. That was the end of our conversation. I was picked up finally by James and drove back to his dorm where I was finally able to relieve my bladder.
Somehow on the car ride there I was convinced to run the in the 5k fundraiser his fraternity was hosting. I’m not sure if it was guilt about the fact that I had ditched him the night before or that I was feeling particularly ambitious but I double knotted my tennis shoes and was ready to run my first ever race. For anyone else considering running a 5k it would be wise to possibly train a little bit before and not do it hung over on 3 hours of sleep.
Because James was having to help with the race he had to be there an hour before it began and so did I. I can only imagine the shock Big Bird felt seeing me again so soon when he thought he had gotten rid of me. Of course he pretended like he had never seen me before and avoided eye contact at all costs. It seemed as though anyone else I had met the night before no longer knew me also. The girl that I had been in the bathroom with the night before seemed to not remember that less than 24-hours before we had been both been pant-less in the same very confined restroom. I’m not sure if that or Big Bird’s ignoring was worse.
The situation all felt very similar to being at that girl from your gymnastics’ class birthday party when you’re eight. You know the birthday girl and vaguely recognize the other partygoers but you don’t know anyone well enough to make the situation not awkward. Plus, the birthday girl really isn’t a good friend she just invited you because her mom made her. I was that person standing awkwardly to the side dreading the fact that I was about to run a race that was 5 k’s to long.
Eventually we all lined up at the starting line and the mad dash began. At first I was actually delusional enough to believe that I could run. Then I hit the 5-minute mark and reality set in. I was going to die right there in front of the library over-ran by a herd of more experienced runners.
As the group thinned out I was left walking mostly alone, except for a couple about my age going about the same speed. I creeped along behind them for a good 5 minutes before the boy introduced himself.
“Hey, I’m Kyle and this is Macy. Would you like to run with us?” the boy said.
“Uh, yeah. Sure. I’m not really a runner,” I confessed. “I was just sort of talked into this by one of the boys in the frat.”
“Well Macy’s never done a race before either. We can do it together!”
So with the help of this kind couple I made is all the way around the campus. As the finish line closed in I could see James and Big Bird watching. In an attempt to regain some semblance of my dignity I gave those last 10 feet all the energy I had left. For the record I finished with a pretty decent time for my first ever 5k.
After I finally caught my breath, about 10 minutes later, I looked around for Kyle and Macy to thank them but they were nowhere to be found. Unfortunately I never got to thank them for being the only reason I didn’t wind up in the bushes off the sidewalk crying and rubbing my calves.
James drove me back to his apartment and we said our awkward good byes, he was still a little peeved at me for the Big Bird thing. All in all I learned that if a guy is referred to as a Sesame Street character he’s probably not mature enough for a one-night stand.