The rabbit and the frog on my shoulders

The rabbit and the frog on my shoulders

Part 1 - Who am I

‘I see.’

Standing in front of a mirror is a boy named Elroy.

The mirror is small and hangs with no frame. A blank canvas for the young man to stare at as he looks at himself in the bathroom mirror. The sound of the toilet slowly filling back up with water hisses in the background as the shower head to his right drips onto the blue tiles that lie beneath.

Besides the bathroom noises it is a quiet night, the faulty light above dims the darkness from his bedroom. All that stands is a boy staring into his own eyes by the mirror.

As he looks at himself he searches his dark brown eyes for something. For anything. He cannot get distracted by the ridges that shape his iris or the white pearls that have started to form cracks of red from his unwillingness to sleep. No he watches the pool of black in the center, his pupils. The ponds that glitter with the unknown inside them.

Staring into the black ponds all he finds is his own reflection being reflected back to him on the surface. ‘Who am I’ he thinks to himself. “Who am I” he silently whispers to the reflection looking intensely at him. His pupils dilate helping him to make the image in his eyes clearer, as if his pupils were showing him the path to find his answer. But still the boy is unsure of who he is. Unsure of what is hiding in the depths of his pond.

All he sees is the reflection of a chubby boy dressed in frumpy blue pajamas and black slippers. His hair a short messy afro shaken by the tossing and turning from his bed. A side effect of the questions he has been pondering over for quite some time now. All Elroy sees is a boy fed up with not knowing who he is and what he stands for. A boy that tore off the blanket that kept him inside his bed and marched in front of the mirror in order to question the only person who could give him the answers. 

Elroy takes a deep breath.

The smell of cigarette smoke lingers in the room and makes his nose itch. He doesn’t like smoking much. It was a curiosity that didn’t satisfy him when he tried it however now it’s one of the most comforting smells as it reminds him of a memory where he tried and failed at something. Not that succeeding at smoking is a great success story but for him it’s comforting. The smell of it reminds him that at least someone succeeded at it.

His worries about knowing himself escape his mind as laughter fills the small bathroom. A smile crawls out of his mouth as he stares in wonder of himself. At how in such a dark moment he can find the capacity to laugh and enjoy himself. The fact that he can still enjoy life and all its intricacies even though he does not know who he truly is. Was this not a prerequisite for others in the world? If you were to know who you are then you would be able to live your life to the fullest.

He gazes at the eyes he has been obsessing over for the past 15 min and remains transfixed by them but with a new appreciation. His dark brown eyes that have watched his world go by seem like jewels now. The knowledge they hold shines like mountains with minerals and treasure hidden in plain sight. A mountain that holds an air of resoluteness in itself.  

Elroy breathes in that air. A slow deep breath of this image is pulled into his lungs permanently setting itself in his mind. His shoulders that were tense release as does his breath that he had unknowingly been holding in for most of his life. The smile that had been on his face the whole time persists as he looks at himself. As if released from a burden he didn't know he had, the eyes that had captured him are drawn to a close.

In the darkness that he was uncomfortable with not so long ago he draws in the memory of the breath he had captured before and tries to make sense of it. He cannot help but see his mind wonder on what it means to be resolute. What it means to be strong and stable.

‘No’, he thinks, ‘I don’t need to make sense of it. I just need to feel and let it flow.’

With those words echoing in his mind his chest rises and falls softly with the idea of being resolute. His muscles ever so slightly relax and tense to his thoughts as he just breathes in and out embodying the idea of stability. With no words to answer his own questions he thinks of all the people that embody this. What do they have in common? Is it ideas that give them stability? What strength do they have to face off with the world and still be standing? ‘What would make me stand against the world with confidence?’ he asks himself. 

 A deep sigh escapes Elroy and with it a cheeky smile calming his racing mind and settling him on the spot.

“As long as I have myself and a love for who I am, I can face any mountain.” He whispers to himself.

The darkness of his mind shines with light as his only thoughts are that of love. Self love. An appreciation of who he is and where he stands. The air inside him begging his body to flow with these thoughts. While a sense that the ground itself is pouring strength straight into his feet and through to his stomach can be felt as he finds his sense of stability.

He has not felt so alive before.

So at peace.

His imagination is let loose to paint a picture of what he feels. With the thoughts of his pupils, he is inspired to create a small circular pond in the inky blackness of his mind. The pond glimmers with ripples of murky water as his breath circles around painting in the details. In the reflection of the pond mountains can be seen. They form a perfectly circular mountain range surrounding the little pond.

Thinking that it looks too empty he decides to fill the pond in with a variety of fish. A koi fish plops in the water shaking itself from the shock and starts swimming around examining the circular pond. Soon after, more fish join, splashing their way into the murky waters. He looks at the many koi fish colored with white and gold scales. They remind him of his love for moving and swimming as he watches them swim in a space free of constraints with blissful beauty.

Thinking of the things he likes he starts to pull patches of grass out the ground when he notes down his favorite memories. Soon a green fauna has already grown all across the dark pond and inside it. Most of the fauna that has grown being representations of his favorite memories. Flowers bloom giving off a perfume reminding him of his fun and boisterous youth. Hedges surround the pond reminding him of the boundaries he has learned in all these years. While in the very center of the pond a beautiful lotus starts to bloom brightening the imaginary space with a soft white light, a light that warms him with thoughts of his place in life. Not wanting to stop creating he continues adding parts of himself to the mental image.

“Animals yes I need animals. Birds that sing my favorite songs. And tall trees that they can call home and nest in.”

“A panther that embodies my joy for chasing the things I desire with the softest paws so it can sneak up and ambush its prey.”

“Butterfly's that paint the sky with colors”

“A chameleon that embraces its ability to camouflage in its times of stress.”

“An owl filled with the wisdom of the world.”

“And the sun shining bright in the sky with the moon not far behind ready to share its soft glow when the darkness arrives.”

The boy standing in front of the mirror with his hands behind his head smiling blissfully at the imagined world he has created. A world of tranquility that represents all of his struggles and joys, one that carries his personality. His happy place that he alone may get to explore.

Slowly he opens his eyes.

An hour has passed by standing in this one spot. Now facing a mirror chipped and smudged from his bathroom rituals. Something he did not notice before.

He stares at himself for a minute. A self assuredness and confidence stems from himself. He feels more at ease. His shoulders though feel as if they are carrying a new type of weight. He recognizes now the responsibilities that he owes himself. He is responsible for the pleasure he desires and the pain he needs to grow to be the man he wants to be. As he realizes this something blurs on his shoulders.

He looks with urgency to the mirror but sees nothing.

“My eyes must be deceiving me” he laments

He turns around to open the door to head to bed.

A mental exhaustion he hasn't felt before makes itself known now as he reaches for the door.

In the corner of his eye he sees it then.

The tiniest rabbit is asleep on his shoulder.

 

Part 2- Why are you here

Elroy jumps back while trying to shove the white fluff ball off of his shoulder, in the process of doing this though he stumbles on the toilet pot falling backwards between the wall and the toilet. He hits his head hard as he falls to the ground.

He groans in annoyance with his eyes closed and rubs his temples trying to soothe away the obvious hallucinations. His thoughts jumbled from the shock he tries to figure out why he would possibly see a white rabbit. So he opens his eyes again to confront the truth hoping it was a trick of the mind or body, hopefully even a prank from some unknown person.

Opening his eyes he finds himself staring at a frog. The frog looks at him with unblinking eyes as if waiting for him to finish up his panic attack. So Elroy proves him wrong by screaming in a loud high pitched tone shocking both of them backwards. The frog jumps into the shower and Elroy hits his head against the bathroom wall in an attempt to escape the situation. He does not escape it as he still sees the frog staring at him.

“If you are done screaming and abusing yourself can I explain the situation”, the frog cries out in deep baritone voice.

Elroy cusps his head trying to cradle the last bit of sanity he has in his hands. Mumbling through his fingers he laments to himself.

 “I must be going mad.”

“Probably, we are figments of your imagination.” The frog lazily states.

Elroy pushes himself off the floor with a steaming heat that shifts him upright into thrusting an accusatory finger of divine retribution to the frog.

“You are not helping in this situation, how are you able to talk. And why in the hell of all things am I seeing a damn frog and a white rabbit.” he cries out to the frog while pointing a shaking finger at him. Now lacking its divine retribution and replaced with fear.

The frog takes a single hop out of the shower and sits as comfortably as you could imagine a frog would sit in front of Elroy. The white rabbit bounces quickly to the side of the frog seemingly wide awake and aware of the situation. Its deep black eyes stare at Elroy with a child like wonder and expectation that prompts Elroy to feel guilty for having made such a loud outburst in the first place. However the longer he stares, the more he is enthralled by the dark obelisk eyes of the rabbit and what seems to be twirling dim lights. It was as if the night sky had shaped itself from the image of the rabbit’s eyes that he was looking at.

The rabbit looks to the frog in a slow and curious stare after leaving Elroy bewildered and silent in equal parts awe and horror at the sheer brilliance and unknowing fear he felt from the eyes of what he thought was a cute fluffy rabbit.

“Why are you messing with him? It would be best to hurry up and explain before he does something drastic.” The rabbit calmly states.

The frog rib-bits in what Elroy imagines is a disappointed croak from having being disrupted messing with him. However to the frog it was merely a croak that would clear his throat. This in turn prompted the tiniest little shake in his body resulting in a more upstanding frog posture, one that could definitely announce something of seemingly grand importance but give little impact to the wider world.

“We are figments of your imagination!” the frog announces proudly.

Elroy looks to the frog with annoyance.

“That doesn't explain anything, and you've already said this. Look I feel like I’m going mad and you are not helping. For all that heavens worth I am begging you guys, a frog and a rabbit… why am I hallucinating the two of you.”

Elroy sits on the bathroom toilet as he says this. He looks at both of the figments with a pleading look. He doesn’t know why he is in this situation. He doesn’t care who he is talking too, all he wants is answers.

“No more jokes!” he says with warning in his voice as he looks at both of them.

The frog nods to Elroy while watching the man on the toilet. 

“When you had created this happy place of yours, you created us. We were what had been left behind from the things you gathered, aspects and truths of yourself that you do not want to admit are there. All the pain ugliness and cruelty that you have carried and have chosen to use at times. All the intelligence that you do not notice. The innocence that you thought you lost. Your spiritual selves. All the things that you do not know are inside you. All of your potential be it small.” the frog explains.

“So you are the crumbs I left behind in my imagination.” Elroy asks.

“No, we are the space in between the stars you never explored. The parts of yourself that you never thought to explore… The things you are yet to find in yourself. ” The rabbit says, its eyes seemingly darkening further.

“So I’ll have to see both of you for the rest of my life. Reflections of the parts of me that I have yet to explore and understand.” Elroy asks, a look of worry flashes across his face.

The rabbit and the frog look to each other with a look of understanding passing from both of them.

“Seems like that is what you wanted if we are here, but it has always been your choice. We have only appeared once you started making sense of who you are. We have appeared to guide you to understanding yourself better. More importantly guiding you to achieve your dreams.” the frog tries to explain. He sees though that he has lost Elroy from the look plastered on his face. 

“Dreams?” Elroy asks confirming the Frogs’ suspicions.

“Yes, the things that you want in life dumb-ass.” the rabbit replies obviously annoyed by Elroy.

Elroy does not notice the insult or the sarcastic tone. His thoughts have him focused on the ideas jumbled around his head. “What is it that I want in life?” he says as he looks to the figments staring back at him. They both look at him with a hint of sadness knowing that he has not been able to answer that question quite yet.

The rabbit hops onto Elroy's knees. “You do not need to have one right away, we can figure it out as we guide you.” the rabbit says.

However a slow breath is pulled in and out of Elroy's lungs as he closes his eyes. He feels calm again thinking about his happy place realizing that his inner world has changed and he needs to reflect the stable calming strength it provides him. “No, I think I know what I want.” he says with certainty. Both frog and rabbit look to him expectantly, frog now sitting on the other knee of Elroy after hopping onto it.

“Well, what is it you want.” They both cry out in unison.

“I just want to reflect my inner world for the world to see.” He acknowledges to the others. Frog and rabbit hop onto his shoulders as they hear this.

“That is as a very good dream and we would love to help you attain it.” Frog croaks with pride.

“Yes, thank you. I will need all the help I can get.” He whispers to both of them.

Standing up from the bathroom toilet he finally returns to his bedroom. Walking with a new purpose in his step and an imaginary frog and rabbit on his shoulders he returns to bed. They both shimmer out of existence as he closes his eyes to rest not being kept awake by existential thoughts. Now his dreams are filled of him sitting by the pond in his happy place gathering the strength to achieve his goals.