Divorce Online

The divorce papers came through in an email from divorceonline.com.
It wasn’t quite how I thought this would turn out.
I imagined that there would be kids I would hate, infidelity, a mortgage, money troubles and domestic violence.
Her punching me, of course.
But none of that happened.
Divorced through the internet.
Divorce 2.0 – the future of break up management.

There wasn’t even a house to share.
Just vague memories of clumsy sex that never got smoother and reassurances that this was normal.
Hazy recollections of love assisted by MDMA and THC. Road trips to nowhere.
A honeymoon on a plane to her mother’s house, so we could both meet her mother for the first time.
One judge, two witnesses, fifty dollars and no rings.
19 years old and the idea of commitment meant not cheating on each other For the foreseeable future.
Despite the fact that at nineteen you can only see six months ahead.

Email exchanges with lawyers who didn’t give a shit because there was nothing to divide.
No fees to fight each other in court. We fought enough when we were together.
Royal Rumbles in the living room, cage matches in the clubs.
Drum and bass soundtracked everything.
When the sound track changed to Neil Young, I knew we were in trouble but didn’t want to say.
Then Radiohead became her favourite.
Game over.
Eight years later I’m divored, online, by someone I haven’t seen for five years.
I’d say it was brutal, but then Phil Collins divorced his wife by fax, so it really doesn’t seem that bad.
However, she wasn’t an easy lover, that’s for sure.