Me Jealous? Never! (IP)

What makes you think I am jealous of you? No, of course I do not envy you your Lamborghini Gallardo. After all, it’s just a car and I could have one too if I wanted to contribute all of my pay cheque to a car payment, but I choose to be more sensible than that. Besides the insurance on those cars are a rip off. Of course it would be easier if I had a father who bought me everything I wanted but I prefer to buy my own things, be responsible and all that. No, really. I am not jealous; I am above that kind of stuff.

You think I am jealous of your holidays in exotic places? Noooo, not at all. Who wants to hobnob with a bunch of snobs in some casino in Monte Carlo? Gambling is a bad habit. I don’t like crowds and besides they are so shallow, they have nothing at all to say that would interest me. Yes, I am sure Bali is very nice, but think of all that sun exposure that causes skin cancer. I hate to be covered in all that mucky suntan lotion just to lie in the sun for a while. No, definitely not for me. It will be YOU with the skin conditions, not me, and I it will be you envious of my lovely lily white skin then, don’t you know!

What, you think I envy your designer clothes? Phhhhhht, clothes are to cover the body, nothing more. Primark tops work as well as Chanel or Versace I have no need to be a clothes horse. Yeah, and shoes are shoes. I don’t need to pay hundreds of dollars for a pair of Jimmy Choos, I got a very cute pair of sandals in the market for a fiver and I’ve had lots of comments on them. No, you have to work harder than that to make me jealous. Oh, and all that expensive jewellery you wear? I would want that, why? Just makes you a target for thieves and besides, cubic zirconium sparkles just as nice. If I want bling, nothing beats a CZ solitaire. I have one the size of a bird’s egg and everyone says they think it looks real. I really am not jealous of expensive possessions, you know.

Oh, I see, you think I am jealous of your looks. Ha, I bet your tits are implants and you’ve had enough Botox injections to paralyse a horse. I hear you get liposuction on your hips at least twice a year. What’s to be jealous of? Men like big bottoms now, women with curves, ya know? And one thing I definitely am is curvy. It’s probably you who is envious of my womanly curves if the truth be known. Tall, leggy and blond isn’t every man’s idea of the perfect woman I’ll have you know. Oh yeah, and I don’t find it necessary to spend tons of wonga to have my hair highlighted and cut by some sycophantic hair dresser who probably makes fun of you the minute you leave the salon. Clairol has some lovely hair shades and Betty at the local salon does fantastic cuts. She follows all the recent trends and the hairstyle magazines in her shop are all up to date. Very trendy, is our Betty, all the girls at work say so.

Now you think I am jealous of your social life? Get real. I don’t want to eat caviar and drink Cristal champagne with some Lothario who only dates women half his age or some footballer whose IQ is about the same as my show size. Most of the men you date are probably after your daddy’s money or just want arm candy as they socialize with a bunch of social climbers. I don’t need fancy restaurants with a maitre d’ fawning all over me. I don’t need large white, square plates with a few weird looking veggies artfully arranged around a canon of beef. Nouvelle cuisine simply isn’t my scene especially when there is more empty plate than food! Nothing wrong with a curry and a pint at the local. And some of the lads that go there are quite nice looking, they even buy me a pint occasionally. I play darts at the local and we have quite a laugh. I have no need to impress anyone, just hang out with my friends- who by the way, like me for who I am not what I have or what they might could get out of me. Well, there was Mark who was always asking to borrow a few quid but he’s finally learned I don’t buy friendship and has shoved off, anyway.

So, if you really want to know the truth? I think it is YOU that is jealous of me! Good old ordinary me, happy, healthy and well adjusted without a jealous bone in my body. Yes, it was nice to catch up with you; we simply must do this again! Next time, lunch will be on me. I know a great little bistro where the burgers are simply to die for! By the way, I ran into your dad the other day and he suggested we get together for drinks soon, let him know I am free next weekend will you?