Ten Things I'd Change About Me- or , Oh, to be Average (IP)

TEN THINGS I’D CHANGE ABOUT ME

There aren’t too many things I’d change about me but I will give it a try:

1. I’d change my incredible beauty. Oh to be just average looking. Beauty is such a burden. Men fall in love with my looks; court me with flowers and jewels. Women hate me, they fear I will take their boyfriends or husbands. I have no women friends to chat with or go to lunch with, and discuss fashion, which leads me to the second item on my list.
2. My incredible dress sense. Why, oh why, do I have to be a fashion leader? Can I help it when I throw on red jeans and leopard skin boots with purple heels and a slouch hat that I look fabulous when everyone else would just look, well, mismatched? Can I help it that it immediately hits all the magazines and everyone rushes out? No, it is not my fault at all, I just have flair.
3. My above average intelligence. Do you have any idea what it is like not to be understood? To be seen as just another dumb bimbo when I’d really like to be discussing important topics like, the lack of pilates on Mars or if netronic war would end the universe.
4. Also, being so rich is a big problem. Coupled with my looks and dress sense and intelligence, I am just so envied. People only want to be around me because they want me to pay or because they hope being seen with me will make them seem as glamorous as me. It’s very annoying and so petty. I suppose I could give my money away but then another person would have the same problem, so that won’t work.
5. Oh yes, my incredible wit. That is such a problem. I laugh at funny things people say and they don’t even realise it’s funny. Or I tell a joke and no one laughs because it is so over their head, they just don’t get it. I will give you an example, how is a cat like the moon? They are both out at night… isn’t that soooooo funny? But no one laughs… sigh, they just don’t get it.
6. My ability to drive while multi tasking. I ask you, why can’t men drink their coffee, put on their mascara and talk on the phone while driving a car? And why are they so jealous that we can? I am perfectly in control of the car, but people seem so jealous of it. I see them look to the heavens in praise of my driving ability. It’s so sad to be the object of so many people’s envy, it makes me really sad they can’t do the same.
7. My ability to do math. I know that could have come under intelligence but I think it needs to be listed separately. I just so understand how my bank account works, why doesn’t the bank? It would just save so much stress if I was dumb enough to fall for their arguments. It doesn’t matter which account I have money in, or even which bank. I have money, that’s what counts.
8. One thing that is really sad and would really love to change about me. My ability to read people’s minds, especially at parties. I hear them thinking about the other people there, thinking how sad or strange some of the women are, how they have no clue about how other people see them. It is such a burden to hear these thoughts about others.
9. My ability to articulate so well. I can talk at lengths about any subject with great knowledge. It leaves other people speechless and with nothing to say.
10. Finally, though I am not sure this is really a problem, my need to exaggerate just a teensy little bit? Will think about this one.