A mouse in a world of cats

Today I did not sit at my desk in the office, crying in a violent and catastrophic manner, losing all emotional regulation. 

I did not smash anything against the wall when I thought about what it felt like to be in my body. If I were a pigeon I would be disliked by all other pigeons. But today I was not a pigeon.

I did not become emotionally dysregulated when the telephone rang. I no longer believe it will eat me but it still taunts me when I speak into it. 

My memory palace burnt down but this time I did not call the fire brigade. I am no longer permitted to call the fire brigade even if I am actually on fire. 

I was not asked to remember something my father said in the week before he died. (If I had been asked it would have been 'no,no,no, why are you stammering - I saved you from drowning').

I was not stripped and chained naked to a rock as a sacrifice to a monster. 

The Milky Way and Andromeda did not collide, merging to form a giant elliptical galaxy. 

Today I cannot stop falling. I reach out my hands but there is nothing to hold. The viscosity of the universe is terrifying. The luminosity of my anger has cannibalised me.

'I was not a child - you will never be a child' said my father. 'You will not remember my face or my voice but you will hear my words when they bleed into normalcy.'

Today I am a mouse in a world of cats. 

I will cover my face with my jacket and wait for the sound of claws on the door.