12 Months PART F

Chapter 11

‘Funny feeling’ – Reef.

It felt like a bizarre first date. Rebecca had made an effort and dressed in a tight red top with poppers down the front and baggy black trousers. I, on the other hand, had slung on a pair of combats and a fleece. She was stood outside the cinema as I trotted up the steps. It was unusual for her to be early. I looked at my watch. No, it was usual for me to be late. She went to kiss me as I approached her. It was awkward. We gave up half way through and made our way to the ticket office.

‘You go and get me some popcorn,’ she said, ‘you know how I like it. I’ll get these.’ So into the foyer I wandered not actually knowing what film we were going to see. I ordered two tubs of popcorn (she had always liked hers sweet. I preferred mine salted with butter) and waited for her to come in.

‘So what we seeing then?’ I asked.

‘Scream,’ she replied. I stopped myself from cracking the obvious cheap gag and letting out a blood-curdling shriek. I assumed she was referring to the film title rather than giving an order.

I’ve never been keen on anything horror orientated. My philosophy has always been, why scare yourself more than you have to. That goes for ghost trains or haunted houses as well, even the crappy ones at the local fair. I won’t get on them for love nor money. Although I’m now a lot more tolerant of scary things than I was – my Dad having pointed out the comic clumsiness of the villains in all three Scream films and ridiculing anyone scared by the dawdling unwieldy zombies barely able to walk in House of the Living Dead - on this particular occasion Scream really put the wind up me.

Although I tried not to show it, I left the cinema petrified. After saying my goodbyes to Becci (I can’t remember how we parted, everything was a bit of a blur by then. I was more interested in getting home safely without being attacked by a man in a mask and black cloak), I swiftly walked back to my car, checked the back seat and boot for potential assailants and made my way home. I turned the radio off in order to hear any suspicious noises. I pulled up outside the house in silence. There wasn’t a breath of air and the house seemed darker and more empty than usual. Despite the deserted streets, I wasn’t sure whether I could make the transition from the car to the house. I contemplated sleeping where I was but thought it was probably more risky (and colder) than going inside. Even the slightest noise seemed to be amplified: locking the car; putting the key in the front door; wiping my feet on the mat. I ventured gingerly towards the light switch and felt slightly better with the instant relief from darkness. The next course of action was to move up to the bedroom. Other than my fleece, which I’d hung up in the wardrobe (whilst checking for boogiemen), I went to bed fully clothed and lay in silence. After a while I plucked up the courage to close my eyes. I couldn’t have closed the wardrobe door properly however and it slammed shut on its hinges. I jumped out of bed and caught a glimpse of myself in the mirrored wardrobe doors. I grabbed my fleece, picked up Rebecca’s note with her new address and headed for the car.

She’d obviously gone straight to bed as the house was in darkness. I looked at my watch, it had gone 1am and I couldn’t exactly go banging on the door. Luckily I noticed a collection of Rebecca’s trinkets in the front bay window and decided to tap the glass gently. There was no response. I tried again a little harder. A rustle of movement emanated from inside, the curtains twitched and Rebecca’s face appeared at the window. She let out a muted yelp and fell backwards. I waited anxiously for her to reappear. She fanned herself with one hand, held her chest with the other and gestured me round to the front door.

‘What the hell are you doing?’ she whispered.

‘I couldn’t sleep, I didn’t know where to go, my house was so empty.’

‘You’d better come in,’ she said shepherding me into her room. ‘I’ll go and make us a coffee.’

Her room was cramped but tidy. All the things she’d retrieved from our house had been crammed into the limited space. It was cosy. I sat down on the double bed with the hideous duvet cover and waited for her to reappear.

‘So what you going to do?’ she asked, slurping her coffee. She sat down next to me on the bed. In her night slip and dressing gown she looked reassuringly familiar. I hoped she would ask me to stay the night. It had to be better than going home. ‘You could always stay over.’ Her voice was soft and calm.

‘Well OK, if you’re sure,’ I replied, feigning reluctance.

‘Of course. It’s no problem.’ She must have seen me look cautiously at the bed. ‘I think we’ve known each other long enough to sleep in the same bed for one more night.’ I tried to hide the beaming smile that I was feeling inside and toned in down to a mild grin. ‘It will be nice to have you to myself again,’ she said pushing me backwards onto the bed. Whilst not complaining, I genuinely hadn’t come intending anything to happen. I was just being a big girl’s blouse after a mildly scary movie and needed a friendly face. The fact that she wasn’t distressed in the slightest by the film made me feel more pathetic and I realised my innocent visit just looked like a cheap excuse to get into bed with her. My naivety sometimes knows no bounds. The rest is history.

When I woke, Rebecca was already up. I dressed and made my way into the kitchen where she was stood, scantily clad, talking to a man in his early 30’s. They laughed and joked with one another until Rebecca caught sight of me.

‘Oh, Connor, this is Roger.’ So this was Roger. Despite being a bad judge of age, I realised Roger wasn’t in his forties. He had a full head of hair and he didn’t look in the least bit gay. He was more of a ‘flash Harry’ type. His wide-mouthed smile was full of perfect pearly teeth. He exuded an air of slimy confidence.

‘So you’re Connor. I’ve heard so much about you,’ he grinned smarmily. I tried to match his slimy demeanour.

‘Very pleased to meet you,’ I said patronisingly through gritted teeth.

‘You’ll be pleased to know Rebecca has settled in very well here,’ he looked across the kitchen, his creepy smirk still wide as ever. ‘Haven’t you Becci?’ She smiled and let out a little laugh. Maybe I was being paranoid but I got the impression there was more going on than these two were letting on.

‘Good, good,’ I said awkwardly.

‘So what are you guys doing today?’ asked Roger intently flicking his gaze between us.

‘I thought …’ I started, wishing to make my excuses. I felt increasingly uncomfortable.

‘We thought we’d go for a drive in the New Forest,’ Rebecca interrupted, smiling.

‘Oh,’ Roger remarked, sensing my surprise.

‘Yeah, I’ll just, umm, get my things together,’ I said, making my way from the kitchen. The sooner I excused myself from Roger’s presence the better. Rebecca rustled up some toast and cereal and then we made tracks.

I would have been happy to go home but didn’t feel walking out was an option considering the events of the previous night. I was more concerned about the direction the conversation might take. I needn’t have worried. Despite our bedroom antics, Rebecca spoke as if she’d come to terms with the fact that we had finished. She asked what I was going to do now. Did I hope to meet someone else? The expected dialogue about ‘us’ didn’t materialise. Maybe my conjecture on the Rebecca / Roger scenario was less speculative than I’d originally imagined. We made our way through one of the quaint villages in the forest in virtual silence until Rebecca noticed something out of the window.

‘Stop,’ she shouted.

‘What?’ I exclaimed.

‘Stop the car.’

‘Why?’

‘It’s … what’s his name.’

‘Who?’

‘That man from Only Fools and Horses … Uncle Albert.’

‘That wasn’t him,’ I said dismissively, ‘it’s just some old bloke with a white beard.’

‘It was him,’ she said snapped defensively, ‘turn the car round.’

Reluctantly I parked up and we made our way back down the high street. It was only when we got close and saw the Buster Merryfield posters that I realised it was indeed the Uncle Albert. He was promoting his new book. We eventually got to talk to him after we bought a copy, which he signed for us.

‘You make a lovely couple,’ his well-spoken voice replaced the cockney accent I’d been expecting.

‘Thanks, thank you very much,’ I glanced uneasily at Rebecca.

‘Make sure you look after this chap …’ he said to Rebecca, putting his hand on my shoulder, ‘and keep hold of him.’ It all felt a bit surreal, especially when Rebecca told him she would.
We returned to the car and drove back through the forest to Bournemouth. We weren’t far from Rebecca’s new residence when she seemingly had a panic attack, riffling feverishly through her handbag.

‘Oh my God,’ she cried.

‘What’s up now?’

‘My pill,’ she said, ‘I never took my pill.’

‘Can’t you just take another one now?’

‘Of course not,’ she growled.

‘Alright, alright,’ I said, ‘I’m only trying to help. Can’t you take one of those morning after pill thingies?’

‘It’s bloody Sunday, Connor,’ she said desperately. I momentarily thought about cracking an insensitive joke about the massacre in Ireland but thought better of it.

‘Well don’t they have those all day chemists or clinics where you can get them from?’

‘I don’t know Connor, I don’t know,’ she sobbed.

‘Don’t cry,’ I said reassuringly, trying to ignore my own panic, ‘we’ll sort something out.’

We pulled up outside her house and she quickly got out. ‘I’ll come in with you,’ I said.

‘No, no, it’s all right, I’ll sort it.’ She didn’t seem in any state to sort anything.

‘Let me know how you get on,’ I shouted helplessly but she was already half way up the drive.

I felt I should have been allowed more input into sorting this mess. I scoured the yellow pages the moment I got home for chemists and clinics. No luck; either no reply or answer machine. My attention turned to the local newspaper. Surely they must list emergency dispensers. The good news, they did. The bad news, there was still no reply. I couldn’t believe that there could be a proportion of the population who were Saturday night babies conceived on a weekend purely because their parents couldn’t find a twenty-four hour clinic. I felt useless, pacing around the lounge, smoking endless cigarettes and watching TV. I didn’t go on the Internet in case Rebecca tried to phone. The longer it went on the more I began to panic. It got to 7pm and Rebecca still hadn’t phoned. I thought I’d take the initiative and ring her. Roger answered.

‘Hello,’

‘Hello, is Rebecca there please?’ I didn’t feel like making conversation with the smarmy git.

‘No, I’m afraid she’s out with Clare.’

Clare? Who’s Clare?

‘Who’s Clare?’

‘Oh, she’s one of the other girls in the house.’ He said ‘girls’ as if they were members of his harem.

‘Do you know what time she’ll be back?’ I asked, ‘it’s quite important.’

‘Is it about this morning?’ he asked, putting me on the back foot.

‘What about this morning?’ I blurted.

‘The pill,’ he said matter of factly. I felt exposed, as if someone had read my teenage diary.

‘Errm, well yes.’ I couldn’t believe she’d discussed it with bloody Roger.

‘Oh you don’t need to worry about that,’ he said ‘it’s all been sorted.’

‘How do you mean, it’s been sorted?’

‘Well I don’t know the gory details,’ he laughed smugly, ‘but I know Clare and Becci have sussed it.’

And no one thought to ring me?

‘I’m surprised she didn’t ring to tell you,’ he continued. I’m sure he was trying to wind me up.

‘How?’ I asked.

‘What?’

‘How exactly has it … been resolved?’

‘Well, like I said,’ he said still chuckling, ‘I’m not party to the gory details … I hope you don’t mind me knowing, she was just very upset when she came in and I guessed she needed someone to talk to.’

Me, me … why couldn’t she have talked to me?

‘Well I’m glad it’s all OK,’ I said unconvincingly.

‘Yeah, if there’s any problems, I’ll get her to give you a ring.’

‘Thanks.’

‘No probs, hope to see you again soon, baah.’ Not only was I humiliated … I was infuriated. The situation had seemingly been sorted without any need for me. And Roger had annoyed me. He was one of these people who said ‘bye’ as if he was a sheep. ‘Baah?’ What the bloody hell was ‘baah’ supposed to mean?

Completely pissed off I went to bed to ponder my next course of action.

Chapter 12

The thought of going on holiday and getting away from it all only occurred to me when Alan unexpectedly asked me to go with him and a couple of his mates to Spain. Holidaying with Alan wouldn’t be high on my priority list at the best of times. Despite now not being the ‘best of times’, the prospect of a week in Spain with Alan and what I could only imagine to be Alan clones was still not high on my wish list. I thought maybe I’d make my own enquiries at the travel agent and see what I could dig up.

‘I’d like to do something … different. Go somewhere … different,’ I said. ‘Oh, and I don’t want to go to Spain.’ Knowing my luck I’d end up bumping into a tribe called Alan. The assistant, whose name badge informed me she was called Kelly, thought I was a little odd for not wanting stay in a bed sit over a night club in Tenerife or go on an 18-30 ‘holiday’ to Corfu. Her pained expression became even more tortured when we established I would be holidaying alone. Thinking about it, I can’t say I really blame her. The agent on the next desk interrupted Kelly’s face pulling competition by sliding a brochure onto her desk. She looked at me reassuringly and smiled.

‘There might be something in here that takes your fancy sir,’ she said. I could see out of the corner of my eye that Kelly was now scowling across the desk at me with her arms folded. I attempted to smile back at the assistant who’d shown some interest in my vacation dilemma but Kelly had so disconcerted me it must have looked like I had trapped wind.

‘Huhh, you do realise I’m supposed to be going to lunch in a minute,’ said Kelly as she begrudgingly pushed the brochure across the desk with one finger. I must admit I was a little disappointed at her lack of enthusiasm and may I say damn right rudeness, but being me I didn’t want to cause a scene. I said I would take the brochure home and have a scan through at my leisure to alleviate any risk of famine that might result from Kelly not being able to take her lunch on time. My attempt to diffuse the situation didn’t work. ‘That’s an office copy,’ scowled Kelly. I raised my eyebrows.

‘I’m sorry?’ I replied.

‘That’s an office copy. It can’t leave … the office.’ Her head was now cocked to one side and her mouth slightly open. She might as well have been saying, ‘if you’ve got a problem with it being an office copy or make any attempt to leave the premises with the aforementioned publication I will have no other course of action left open to me than to press this red buzzer, alerting the brochure police and sit back whilst they burst out from the back room and proceed to give you a right good kicking.’ She sat back and tapped her pen between her teeth glaring at me across the desk. For a moment I wondered if she was trying to alert the brochure police via telepathy. Before I decided to make a run for it, the girl on the next desk butted into our confrontation once more.

‘Why don’t you go to lunch,’ she said looking down at Kelly’s name badge. ‘Kelly. I’ll take over here.’ She certainly didn’t need telling twice. Her bag was over her shoulder in a matter of seconds and she proceeded to slope off towards the door.

‘Now sir, if you’d like to move over to this desk we’ll see what we can do shall we?’ I didn’t mind that her smile was false and her manner slightly condescending. She was being helpful and she was a damn sight more amenable than Kelly.

‘Is she new?’ I asked.

‘Yes, she started last week. We’re training her.’

‘I think you’re going to have your work cut out there if you don’t mind me saying.’ I replied. She smiled at me once more and asked if I’d care to take a look through the brochure. This suddenly seemed a bad idea. Yes, I wanted something different but that didn’t constitute an ‘Art of Oil Painting’ holiday in Tuscany or a ‘Yoga Experience’ on the shores of the Gozo which was seemingly all this brochure had to offer. Admittedly, 18 to 30 holidays were not my thing but I hadn’t bargained on going on a Saga holiday either. ‘I was thinking more along the lines of, oh I don’t know, something exciting.’ I said. She took the brochure from me and thumbed to a page depicting the Greek Islands.

‘How about scuba diving in Kephalonia,’ she enquired, ‘would that be exciting enough for you?’ She must have read the panic in my face. ‘Or would that be a little bit too exciting?’ Not wanting to look like a lily livered jessabelle after all my fuss, I took the brochure from her and scanned the page in question.

‘The, the apartments look very nice,’ I stammered. At that my mobile rang. It was Alan to say he was just about to book the holiday and it was my last chance should I have changed my mind. Hmmm, holidaying with Alan and chums or going on my own and scaring the living shit out of myself everyday for seven days whilst scuba diving in the Mediterranean? I booked for Kephalonia.