Side Show

By lenchenelf

Mon, 02 Mar 2009
  • 2111 reads
5 comments
 

Far from a middling crowd of Mille
feuille letters, synthentic cream tea
conversation, wisdom rusks
rehydrated in bottled corporate water;
I spread my hunger bare limbed,
restless, amongst delicate wobbling
egg custard bloom banquet,
ranged a la Russe on verdant napkin,
nakedly roused by spring rains'
quick wit, effortless bandinage
pattered, nuturing talent yet to erupt
for this seasons performance,

breathless.

----------------------------------------------------
Minor edit 05.07.09

Certificate PG
Poem
Infinity plus one
Love

Comments

Submitted by jennifer on
May I re-punctuate? Try this: 'Far from a middling crowd of Mille Feuille letters; synthentic cream tea Conversation; wisdom rusks Rehydrated in bottled corporate water; I spread my hunger, bare-limbed, Restless, amongst delicate, wobbling Egg custard bloom banquet, Ranged a la Russe on verdant teacloth Hillside, nakedly roused by spring rains' Quick wit; effortless bandinage Pattered, nuturing talent yet to erupt For this seasons performance; I hold my breath.' What do you think? J x

 

Submitted by lenchenelf on
Hi J, the punctuation could be changed as you suggest, but I did hope that a faster pace set by commas might compact the movement of the piece to result in breathlessness. Will have a Thunk, Ta for your input L 04.03.09 Reviewed the piece, slight edit on wording atb L

 

Submitted by littleditty on
me too! Springs spring soon to be sprung, liked the scene, and the anticipation -neat poem :)

 

Submitted by lenchenelf on
Thank you Little D, race you up the Hill (gasp, wheeze, oo me knees, I'm too old for this :-) ) atb Lx

 

Submitted by jennifer on
Yes, I completely see where you're coming from - it works well your way, teacher will shush now! J x