What Alice Sees: Chapter 3

July 15th 1992

“It’s your Death Day today.” Alice sat on the floor next to the cot. “Mummy said we couldn’t have a party for you. But I wrote out a list of friends to invite anyway. She put it on the table and wouldn’t talk about it.” Alice reached through the bars and grabbed a corner of the blanket. She rubbed the material between two fingers, while staring out the window.

“I made you a present,” Alice said, and jumped up. She ran downstairs and found her bulging school bag in the coat cupboard. Inside was a cardboard box with a tube taped across the back. She took her creation out gently, pushing the tube back into position before running back up the stairs.

“Look, it’s an airplane.” She zoomed the box round the room, circling, but her eyes stayed on the cot. On David’s pillow lay a photo of him, the edges curling and worn.

“Do you want to know how I made your present?” She sat by the cot again. “I got a Coco Pops box and this tube, and I stuck them together with the masking tape.” She turned the plane on its side. “And then I drew a picture of you and stuck it here.” She pointed the picture out to the photo. “It’s so you can see me from heaven. Mummy says Gramma and Pappi are with you, watching you get big, but I thought you might like to look down and say hello sometimes.”

She flew the airplane through the air, and landed it in his cot.

“It’s yours now.” She stood up and rearranged the blankets. “I miss you.”

The doorbell rang. Alice spun around and skipped out the room, stopping by the top of the stairs. Her mother was already by the door, her hand on the lock. Alice sat on the top step and watched.

“Hi, Teri.” Lizzy stood on the doormat, Jessie at her side. “I came by to see how you and Shaun are. I know today must be hard…”

Her mother held the door, not replying. Jessie pulled at her mum’s sleeve, glancing up at her mother, and then down the hall.

“Can we come in?” Lizzie asked.

Mummy stood aside, and motioned with her hand. Jessie edged around her, pausing in the hall for a second.

“Jessie,” Alice whispered.

Jessie peered around.

“Up here,” Alice said a little louder.

Jessie looked around the hall, and then followed the line of the stairs up to where Alice sat behind the banister railings.

Lizzy had come in, and was cuddling Mummy.

“What are you doing?” Jessie asked, and sat next to Alice.

“I wanted to have a Death Day party for David, but Mummy wouldn’t let me.” Alice peered between the bars. “Actually, she didn’t say no. She didn’t say anything.”

“What do you do on a Death Day?”

“Well… you think about David, and make stuff for him, and eat a cake.”

“What about balloons?”

“David would like balloons,” Alice said, and smiled. “Mummy says David is up in heaven, watching us. We should make sure we do things he’ll like, otherwise he might stop watching.”

Downstairs, Mummy and Lizzy moved off down the hall towards the kitchen. Alice stood up and went back to her room.

“Did you make this?” Jessie picked up the airplane.

“Careful with that!” Alice grabbed the cereal box from her, adjusted the tube, and placed the airplane carefully back in the cot. “It’s David’s. I don’t want to upset him.”

Jessie put her hands up, as if under arrest, and said, “Fine, sorry. I was only looking.” She walked over to the window. “What’s your dad doing?”

“He’s thinking.”

Alice joined Jessie by the window. Daddy sat on the swinging chair, staring into a large hole.

“Didn’t that used to be a pond?” Jessie said, leaning up against the glass.

“Daddy emptied the water out yesterday. He said he would die if he lost me as well.”

“Who did he lose?”

“I think he meant David, and he cried for a really long time afterwards.”

“Oh.” Jessie squinted as the sun came out from behind a cloud.

“I miss the fish,” Alice said. “Maybe they’re in heaven with David.”

Jessie glanced up into the sky, frowning. “Do you think he peeks at you… from up there?”

Alice followed her gaze and shrugged. “I hope so.”

Daddy made a noise out in the garden, and Alice peered down. Her father leaned over in the chair, his face cradled in his hands.

“Want some cake? My mummy made a cake.”

“Mmmm,” Jessie said, and rubbed her stomach.

“Better hurry. My mummy and your mummy might eat it all.”

Alice and Jessie chased each other down the stairs and into the kitchen. Lizzie was sitting next to Mummy at the table. Mummy held a mug of tea in her hands, her eyes almost as red as her hair. She put the cup down and pulled her cardigan around her, even though the day was warm.

Lizzy looked up. “Hi girls,” she said. “What have you two been up to?”

“Daddy’s crying in the garden again,” Alice said to Mummy, and went to the cake stand. “Can we have some?”

Mummy nodded, and Alice got some plates and served the last two slices up.

“Can we have candles on them?”

“Candles?” Mummy asked, and plucked a tissue from the box on the table to wipe her nose.

“Yes.”

“What do you need candles for?”

Alice kicked at the floor.

“Alice?”

“Because it’s David’s Death Day,” Alice said, watching as her mother’s mouth fell open. “And I want to celebrate it.” Mummy’s hand fell to the table, the tissue clenched between her fingers. “Maybe he’ll come down from heaven, ‘cause we’re thinking of him, and I’ll give him a sloppy kiss, and see how big he’s grown.”

“Death Day?” Mummy whispered. “Is that what this is?” Tears filled her eyes.

“Teri, she’s only five,” Lizzy said. She put an arm around Mummy’s shoulders and started rubbing her neck.

“I know,” Mummy said, and patted Lizzy’s other hand. “It’s okay.” She pulled away from the table and went to one of the cabinets. She took out two candles and a box of matches. She poked one into each piece of cake and struck a match alight. “Think of David, and blow them out.” She ran a hand down Alice’s hair and leaned over to kiss her forehead. “You’re such a wonderful girl.”

“Mummy, careful, you’ll knock the candle.”

“Oh, yes. Of course.” Mummy sat down. “Go on then.”

The girls glanced at each other, and then blew the candles out.

“Did you make a wish?” Lizzy asked.

Alice peered out the window and down the garden and nodded.

***

“I liked what you did today, Alice.” Mummy kneeled beside the bed and gave Alice a big hug. “I like the idea of celebrating David’s Death Day. Maybe I’ll convince Daddy to have a party next year.”

“I’d like that,” Alice said, and yawned.

“Here’s Bubbles.” Mummy put him in her arms, and gave Alice a kiss.

“And Bubbles, he gets sad when you don’t kiss him.”

Mummy smiled and gave the teddy a peck on the forehead.

“We wouldn’t want Bubbles getting angry, now would we?”

“Oh no. He can grow to five hundred feet tall, and he’ll yell at you.” Alice nodded knowingly.

“My goodness. Five hundred feet. I think his head would be in the clouds, and that if he yelled they’d hear him all the way over in France.”

Alice giggled.

“Better hope he doesn’t sneeze, can you imagine?”

Alice laughed this time, squeezing the bear to her chest.

“I’d better give him another kiss, just in case.” Mummy smacked her lips on him, and got up from the floor.

“What about Daddy? I want Daddy.”

“He’s not feeling very well, sweetheart. I think he’s already gone to bed.”

“Oh.”

“He’ll come say goodnight tomorrow.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

“Night-night, Mummy.”

“Night sweety.”

Alice curled up under her covers as Mummy flicked off the light and pulled the door to. She yawned again, and stared out the window. The moon was low in the sky, and cast a yellow glow on the carpet. Alice traced shadowy patterns with her eyes, and when she looked up, he was standing by the curtains, dressed head to toe in black, his face pale and deep in shadow.

“Have you come for me this time?” Alice asked. “Please don’t make me lost. Daddy said he would die if I was lost, and I don’t want my Daddy to die.”

The man at the window cocked his head to the side.

“I’m not here to take you.”

“Then why are you here?”

He took a long time to answer. Alice was sleepy, and didn’t bother prompting him. She cuddled Bubbles and tried to stay awake. Her eyelids were drooping when he finally spoke.

“I don’t know,” he said.

Alice blinked, and the man was gone.