PANDORA:THE TRUE STORY

PANDORA - THE OFFICIAL VERSION (i.e. written by a man)

Prometheus made men out of clay and stole fire from heaven to make them
come to life.
Zeus was so angry that he chained him to Mount Caucasus where an eagle
ate out his liver every day. Zeus also punished men in general by
ordering Vulcan to create women with the sole purpose of creating
confusion and misery on earth. Pandora was the first woman and she had
a box which she was to give to the man who married her.
Prometheus did not trust Zeus and would have nothing to do with this
strange new creature. But his brother Epimetheus, who was a bit simple,
fell in love with the beautiful Pandora. In spite of his brother's
warnings, he married her.
As soon as the box was opened, all the evils of the world flew out. All
that was left was hope.

The name Prometheseus means forethought. Epimetheus means afterthought.
Pandora means all-giver. She was probably one of the Earth
Goddesses.
It was originally a jar, not a box, but box has more dirty joke
potential.

Like the story of Adam and Lileth, followed by that of Adam and Eve,
Pandora's story is written by men to discredit and ridicule women.
Since there was such a need to do this, it suggests a time when women
held much more than a little power in the world.

PANDORA - THE REAL STORY, (WRITTEN BY A FRIEND OF PANDORA)

Prometheus was a pig-headed fool.
His mother had been very strict. She'd forced him to make his own bed,
wash his neck, and help with household chores. As a result, he was
terrified of women. To make matters worse, he was going through a
mid-life crisis.
His analyst advised him to take up something creative.
Prometheus always went to extremes. After six months of pottery
classses - in which he made some quite nice earthenware storage jars -
he started producing horrible clay figures, sort of primitive androids
that were neither male or female, but sometimes both. He decided to
bring these to life by lining them up on Mount Caucasus and channeling
lighning through them.
When this didn't work he started drinking very heavily. His liver was
badly damaged as a direct result of this. There was no eagle. It just
felt like that.
About this time, his younger brother fell in love with Pandora. They
started talking about mortgages and children.
Prometheus was mad with jealousy. He'd never had a girlfriend. He was
so frightened of women that he was always nasty if any came near him,
though the BO didn't help either. But Pandora was beautiful and if
anyone was going to marry her, it should be him, not that creep
Epimetheus. His brother was boring, stupid, ugly and with terrible
taste in music, hairstyles and clothes.
He couldn't stand seeing them together, but he couldn't stop spying on
them. He repeatedly warned Epimetheus to have nothing to do with the
wench. No good would come of it.
When Prometheus realised that the fool wasn't going to take any notice
he sat up on the mountain with a crate of whisky and thought about
getting his own back.
It was whilst he was brooding about his hard lot as a young boy that he
worked out what to do.
He remembered how nosey his mother had been - always peering behind his
ears, checking down the bottom of water jars to make sure he'd cleaned
them properly, steaming open his letters...
Prometheus went back down the mountain and pretended to be delighted
about the forthcoming marriage. He gave them one of his pots as a
wedding present. They pretended to be pleased.
He waited until the newly weds were alone together in bed minding their
own business. Bursting into the room wrapped up in an old tablecloth,
he announced that he was Zeus, son of Cronus, the supreme god, father
of the gods, ruler of the skies, etc etc
When they'd finished screaming and grovelling on the floor, promising
never to do anything bad ever again, Prometheus told them he had a
sacred duty for them to perform. He, Zeus, son of Cronus, supreme god,
etc etc had gathered all the evils of the world up so that mankind
could live in peace and happiness. These had been placed inside a
certain jar made by the noble and god-fearing Prometheus.
They must guard this jar and NEVER on any account open it. Terrible,
earth-shattering events would follow if they did.
When he'd gone, Pandora recovered first. She mentioned that Zeus's robe
looked familiar. She was sure she recognised an old wine stain in one
corner.
Epimetheus was still shaking. He told her not to be so silly.
And that voice, she went on. Wasn't it remarkably like...
Epimetheus covered his ears. It was wrong to question the gods. He
wouldn't listen.
Pandora wasn't stupid. She knew who it was. The minute Epimetheus went
out to... er... water the olive grove, she picked up the jar and
chucked it through the back door. There was a muffled scream as it hit
Prometheus, who was still crouching in the shadows.
Epimetheus had hysterics when he found out what she'd done.
Meanwhile Prometheus was having the time of his life. By moonlight he
chopped down the complete orange and lemon orchards, burned all the
outbuildings, holed the boats and slaughtered all the stock. Going back
for a quick drink to fortify himself, he mistakenly drank the poison
he'd meant for his mother instead of the whisky.
There was just time to send for his brother and all his male friends
and whisper: "Zeus told you so!" before he dropped dead.