ALICE & MATILDA VS THE ZORIOUS BAZOO: Chapter 1: The Rabbit's Nest

ALICE & MATILDA VS THE ZORIOUS BAZOO

(For Alice and Matilda

For Carlos Muchachos McCready Vandervolk the Third

And for Andy who would have enjoyed such a silly billy thing.)

CHAPTER THE FIRST

The Rabbits’ Nest
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This is a rhyme story. Not a rhyming story (although it does contain rhymes). No, a rhyme story is a story about rhymes.

It is also about two clever young girls called Alice and Matilda, and something called a Bazoo though we’ll come to that later.

This particular story starts at the beginning, which is often the case with most stories, and also the best place for most stories to start.
There was one story, long ago, which didn’t start at the beginning. Neither did it finish at the end, and unsurprisingly it didn’t do very well at all. Which is why you’ve never heard of it, and to be honest, neither have I.

Alice and Matilda were very bored indeed. The kind of boredom one only experiences when all the fun things one usually does were already done (several times), there were no household chores left to help with, and the only thing on the telly was the boring news – on all channels.

So Alice and Matilda decided to do what everyone does when they become that bored. They decided to go ask their Dad, Mister Hutchings, for some “fun ideas”.

Now the girls didn’t call Mister Hutchings Mister Hutchings, they called him Dad. He was known as Mister Hutchings to people who didn’t know him well (like the taxman), or like him much (like the milkman), or who have no place in this story (like the goatman).

Most people called him by his first name, which was Carl. I call him Carlos Muchachos McCready Vandervolk the Third – though I forget why.

Mister Hutchings was always full of “fun ideas”, so much so that he came to work at a factory which specialised in turning “fun ideas” into all manner of “fun things”. The Pussycat Dolls. That was one of his. Llamas. Another one. Rubbery goop. One of his favourites.

And rabbits.

“Ooooh rabbits!” said the girls together, and off they ran to look for rabbits in the nearby woods.
Now, it is important to remember here that although Alice and Matilda were sensible girls, they were nevertheless young – and young girls (or young boys for that matter) should never ever stray far from home unaccompanied by an adult. Ever. But seeing as this is a story, and I am an adult telling it to you, that is kind of like me going into the woods with them.

Otherwise, how on earth would I know what went on there that day?

As I have already mentioned, Alice and Matilda were clever girls, but they were clever in different ways. Matilda was very good at finding things, and Alice was equally as good at solving puzzles. Together, they made a team that was meritorious – a difficult word which means ‘impressive and worthy of praise’. For instance, Alice could help you decide which lotto numbers would be most likely to win, and should you lose your ticket, Matilda would very quickly be able to find it.

So it was that it didn’t take long for Matilda to find the first rabbits’ nest, tucked between the roots of a large hazel tree.

“Burrow” corrected Alice, at which point Matilda, thinking that Alice had instructed her to do what rabbits do best, dropped to her knees and began to scurry into the hole. Alice tried to stop her, but Matilda, being younger, smaller and faster, quickly disappeared into the dark hollow beneath the tree.

Alice, naturally worried about her sister, went to the beach.

I’m joking, of course – she followed.

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END OF CHAPTER
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